DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took the father of a young lady I would like to pursue to lunch a few months ago, seeking his permission and approval to date his daughter. After an encouraging lunch and conversation about our relationship, we decided that it would be best to wait until she was done with school for the year.

As we parted ways, I was instructed to wait until he told me it was OK to talk with her. Now, months later, I still haven't heard anything.

Is it wrong to discuss this with him again? I don't want to come across as impatient, as I certainly believe that she is worth the wait, and I trust that he has her best interests in mind. How would you recommend approaching this conversation?

GENTLE READER: What conversation? The one that starts with the premise that the father is willing and the daughter is eager, but somehow they have neglected to inform you?

Let us hope that the gentleman was charmed or amused or both by your use of the 19th-century formality of asking a father's permission to court his daughter. Or perhaps you had rather hoped that the daughter was charmed -- because one of the two has vetoed the idea. And even in Victorian times, as Miss Manners recalls, daughters would ultimately prevail in such matters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I became parents through adoption of darling twin boys. My brother and his wife, who live about 15 hours away, sent very sweet outfits a few months after the boys were born. We, of course, sent a thank you card. The boys are now 2 years old, and have never received another card or gift from their uncle and aunt.

My husband and I, on the other hand, always send their three children cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas. No, their children do not ever respond with thank you cards, but we are not going to hold their parents' failure to teach them to do so against them. Nor do we intend to stop sending them gifts.

Is it silly of me to be hurt that my brother and wife, my children's aunt and uncle, more or less ignore the existence of my children? Do I broach this subject with my brother? If not, what do I say to my children when they get older and start asking questions?

GENTLE READER: It is not silly to be hurt when your children are ignored by their close relatives, but that presumes that there is not any warm contact and interest aside from the matter of presents. It is not silly to be hurt when your own overtures to their children are ignored.

But given that your brother and sister-in-law are rude in the latter case, it is not surprising that they are rude in the former one. Miss Manners hopes that you are able to acknowledge that with the equanimity you apply to their children and not harbor thoughts that their rudeness is in any way connected with your sons' being adopted. And your future answer, should your sons inquire, would be, "I don't know. They're pretty lax about such things and don't even acknowledge our presents. So you see why I insist that you boys pay attention to such things."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon meeting our little girl for the first time, an acquaintance of ours commented: "She's really cute. Of course she's not nearly as cute as our Eva."

Even though this guy had previously proven that he was socially challenged, we were still amazed that he would say such a thing. I can't remember if we responded, but I seem to remember that we were too dumbfounded and simply stood there with mouths agape at his insensitive comment.

Unfortunately, I was ignorant enough to assume that such a situation would probably never happen again.

I was wrong and it did, with a different group of friends. A fellow with whom we have been friendly for more than a decade saw our daughter for the first time in years and commented, "She's truly a beauty, but not nearly as beautiful as my daughter."

I responded by saying something along the lines of, " I would hope that you would feel that way about your daughter." Then I changed the subject.

I'd like to hear your advice to parents who might consider making such remarks about other people's children as well as what kind of response you would recommend for those of us on the receiving end of such comments.

GENTLE READER: "Isn't it wonderful," Miss Manners' dear mother used to ask, "that God gives us exactly the children we like best?"

And isn't it too bad that some of those children are given obnoxious parents? The parents you encountered are not being cute when they put down your child to brag about their own; they are simply being rude. No doubt they will eventually go on to embarrass their children by finding ways to disparage not just their friends' children, but their children's friends.

Your response, which was not rude but made the point that they are merely bragging, was just right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents taught me to write thank you notes from a young age. I always thought it was proper to specifically name the gift that was given (unless it is cash, when it can be referred to as "the gift"); to mention how you are using it or plan to use it, and to thank them for attending the event, if applicable.

However, my husband insists that it is rude to specifically mention the gift, and the only thing that should be done is to thank the giver for their generosity.

I am in the middle of writing thanks for wedding gifts, and now I am starting to question whether I'm doing it right. I have received two wedding gift thanks in the past where the recipient did not mention the gift itself: one where they simply thanked us for attending the wedding, and one where they vaguely thanked us for "the gift."

Am I right, or have I been breaching thank-you etiquette all these years? It seems absurd that I should act as though the gift is unmentionable (unless it truly is!).

GENTLE READER: Has your husband always relished form letters? Does he generally prefer canned responses to ones that are personal and relevant?

To see if this applies generally, Miss Manners suggests that you ask yourself whether those non-specific letters you received gave you the warm feeling that you had chosen something that pleased the recipients -- or that they even paid attention to who had given them what.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a selective technical school for my undergraduate degree and have encountered the same problem over and over again, ever since I graduated. Whenever someone finds out that I went to MIT, there is a good chance that they will say something like "Oh! You must be really smart, huh?"

I have no idea how to respond to this question!

"That's a common misconception, haha" is my usual reply, but even then, they are sometimes insistent with, "No, but really, I bet you're very smart."

What should I do? Many a conversation has turned weird because of this question.

It's gotten to the point that I try to hide where I went to school and only mention it if I'm directly asked because I don't want to deal with it. Is there anything I can do to diffuse these awkward interactions?

GENTLE READER: Surely you must be tempted to say something along the lines of, "Oh, no, I'm not at all smart. It's just that my parents donated a building."

Miss Manners would be, although, for the record, she is not advising this.

A less provocative response, which nevertheless works wonders, is, "I study hard." You may be sure that no one will be moved to respond, "Well, so did I, but it didn't help."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm confused as to how to address my wedding invitations to my Grandpa and his new wife. My Grandma passed away last summer and he remarried this summer. I have never met his new wife, although my parents assure me she is wonderful.

It doesn't feel right to address the save-the-date card and the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Longstreet (Mrs. Clarence Longstreet is, and will always be, my Grandmother) and I don't know how else I am supposed to address the invitations. I want to do what is proper. I just don't know how.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you do; you just don't want to do it.

Unless the lady is keeping her own name, she is now Mrs. Clarence Longstreet, regardless of how you feel about it. You do not have to call her Grandma, but you do have to use her formal name on a formal invitation.

Furthermore, Miss Manners assures you that you will regret it if you use the occasion of your wedding to offer a slight to a reputedly wonderful lady who has married your grandfather.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sing with an amateur volunteer group of seniors. Two of us have been volunteering to open a meeting at a local nursing home with an informal little show. We sing a few songs before the meeting begins, then sit quietly until they're through with their meeting.

Would it be rude to leave just as they call the meeting to order, or is it more rude to sit and listen to all their business? We certainly wouldn't want to offend anyone. The director of the meeting says he doesn't care.

GENTLE READER: Leave. You are there as performers, Miss Manners reminds you, not as guests. Well, guest performers, if you insist, but chiefly performers. And performers need to know when to acknowledge any applause, thank their audience and get off stage.

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