DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon meeting our little girl for the first time, an acquaintance of ours commented: "She's really cute. Of course she's not nearly as cute as our Eva."

Even though this guy had previously proven that he was socially challenged, we were still amazed that he would say such a thing. I can't remember if we responded, but I seem to remember that we were too dumbfounded and simply stood there with mouths agape at his insensitive comment.

Unfortunately, I was ignorant enough to assume that such a situation would probably never happen again.

I was wrong and it did, with a different group of friends. A fellow with whom we have been friendly for more than a decade saw our daughter for the first time in years and commented, "She's truly a beauty, but not nearly as beautiful as my daughter."

I responded by saying something along the lines of, " I would hope that you would feel that way about your daughter." Then I changed the subject.

I'd like to hear your advice to parents who might consider making such remarks about other people's children as well as what kind of response you would recommend for those of us on the receiving end of such comments.

GENTLE READER: "Isn't it wonderful," Miss Manners' dear mother used to ask, "that God gives us exactly the children we like best?"

And isn't it too bad that some of those children are given obnoxious parents? The parents you encountered are not being cute when they put down your child to brag about their own; they are simply being rude. No doubt they will eventually go on to embarrass their children by finding ways to disparage not just their friends' children, but their children's friends.

Your response, which was not rude but made the point that they are merely bragging, was just right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents taught me to write thank you notes from a young age. I always thought it was proper to specifically name the gift that was given (unless it is cash, when it can be referred to as "the gift"); to mention how you are using it or plan to use it, and to thank them for attending the event, if applicable.

However, my husband insists that it is rude to specifically mention the gift, and the only thing that should be done is to thank the giver for their generosity.

I am in the middle of writing thanks for wedding gifts, and now I am starting to question whether I'm doing it right. I have received two wedding gift thanks in the past where the recipient did not mention the gift itself: one where they simply thanked us for attending the wedding, and one where they vaguely thanked us for "the gift."

Am I right, or have I been breaching thank-you etiquette all these years? It seems absurd that I should act as though the gift is unmentionable (unless it truly is!).

GENTLE READER: Has your husband always relished form letters? Does he generally prefer canned responses to ones that are personal and relevant?

To see if this applies generally, Miss Manners suggests that you ask yourself whether those non-specific letters you received gave you the warm feeling that you had chosen something that pleased the recipients -- or that they even paid attention to who had given them what.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a selective technical school for my undergraduate degree and have encountered the same problem over and over again, ever since I graduated. Whenever someone finds out that I went to MIT, there is a good chance that they will say something like "Oh! You must be really smart, huh?"

I have no idea how to respond to this question!

"That's a common misconception, haha" is my usual reply, but even then, they are sometimes insistent with, "No, but really, I bet you're very smart."

What should I do? Many a conversation has turned weird because of this question.

It's gotten to the point that I try to hide where I went to school and only mention it if I'm directly asked because I don't want to deal with it. Is there anything I can do to diffuse these awkward interactions?

GENTLE READER: Surely you must be tempted to say something along the lines of, "Oh, no, I'm not at all smart. It's just that my parents donated a building."

Miss Manners would be, although, for the record, she is not advising this.

A less provocative response, which nevertheless works wonders, is, "I study hard." You may be sure that no one will be moved to respond, "Well, so did I, but it didn't help."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm confused as to how to address my wedding invitations to my Grandpa and his new wife. My Grandma passed away last summer and he remarried this summer. I have never met his new wife, although my parents assure me she is wonderful.

It doesn't feel right to address the save-the-date card and the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Longstreet (Mrs. Clarence Longstreet is, and will always be, my Grandmother) and I don't know how else I am supposed to address the invitations. I want to do what is proper. I just don't know how.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you do; you just don't want to do it.

Unless the lady is keeping her own name, she is now Mrs. Clarence Longstreet, regardless of how you feel about it. You do not have to call her Grandma, but you do have to use her formal name on a formal invitation.

Furthermore, Miss Manners assures you that you will regret it if you use the occasion of your wedding to offer a slight to a reputedly wonderful lady who has married your grandfather.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sing with an amateur volunteer group of seniors. Two of us have been volunteering to open a meeting at a local nursing home with an informal little show. We sing a few songs before the meeting begins, then sit quietly until they're through with their meeting.

Would it be rude to leave just as they call the meeting to order, or is it more rude to sit and listen to all their business? We certainly wouldn't want to offend anyone. The director of the meeting says he doesn't care.

GENTLE READER: Leave. You are there as performers, Miss Manners reminds you, not as guests. Well, guest performers, if you insist, but chiefly performers. And performers need to know when to acknowledge any applause, thank their audience and get off stage.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ever since I can remember, the salad plate and bread-and-butter plate are on the left side of the dinner plate. But at a wedding rehearsal dinner in an Italian restaurant, where there were eight tables each seating 10 people, everyone (I mean everyone) used the bread and butter pate on the right side (which I thought should have been the plate used by one's neighbor sitting to your right).

Is this plate change something new? I used the plate on my left and confused my whole table. It has bothered me ever since it happened.

GENTLE READER: You are not the first to imagine that the Etiquette Council has nothing better to do than to annoy the public by making arbitrary and meaningless changes in minor customs.

"They've been turning to the left for too long, and they're getting complacent," one of our noble profession is presumed to have remarked. "Let's make them switch to the right."

Amid the giggles and shouts of "Oh, goody," a serious member would point out that this would crowd the right side, where the glasses are put, so should the glasses be moved to the left?

But no, it would be more fun to watch people spilling their drinks into their bread, so it would be decided to make only the one switch and leave the other for later.

All right, you didn't imagine this. You were just dumbfounded that 80 people could all get it wrong.

So is Miss Manners, although she realizes that all it takes is to have one person reach for the wrong plate, thereby forcing everyone to find that only the plate on the wrong side was available. Even 80 wrongs don't make it right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to wear black to funerals because it suits my mood, it's a useful social cue to clerks and waitresses not to be too chipper, and it's a way for the assembled group at the services to express their shared sense of loss for the deceased.

The trouble is, I'm likely to out-do the close friends and family of the dearly departed, who seem to want to wear flowers and pastels, with the idea, "He would have wanted us to be happy and celebrate his life." (Personally, I rather want my loved ones to be distraught at my funeral, but to each her own.) Is it in poor taste to dress more somberly than the family of the deceased at a funeral? Is it akin to ordering from the bottom of the menu when your host has ordered from the middle?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are talking about a mistress festooning herself with black veils and crepe in an attempt to outdo the widow, Miss Manners cannot condemn wearing mourning to a funeral. (And she is with you in the hope that her own death would not be greeted cheerfully.)

If the family chooses not to follow the accepted dress code, for whatever reason, it cannot expect others to violate it as well.

: