DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a selective technical school for my undergraduate degree and have encountered the same problem over and over again, ever since I graduated. Whenever someone finds out that I went to MIT, there is a good chance that they will say something like "Oh! You must be really smart, huh?"

I have no idea how to respond to this question!

"That's a common misconception, haha" is my usual reply, but even then, they are sometimes insistent with, "No, but really, I bet you're very smart."

What should I do? Many a conversation has turned weird because of this question.

It's gotten to the point that I try to hide where I went to school and only mention it if I'm directly asked because I don't want to deal with it. Is there anything I can do to diffuse these awkward interactions?

GENTLE READER: Surely you must be tempted to say something along the lines of, "Oh, no, I'm not at all smart. It's just that my parents donated a building."

Miss Manners would be, although, for the record, she is not advising this.

A less provocative response, which nevertheless works wonders, is, "I study hard." You may be sure that no one will be moved to respond, "Well, so did I, but it didn't help."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm confused as to how to address my wedding invitations to my Grandpa and his new wife. My Grandma passed away last summer and he remarried this summer. I have never met his new wife, although my parents assure me she is wonderful.

It doesn't feel right to address the save-the-date card and the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Longstreet (Mrs. Clarence Longstreet is, and will always be, my Grandmother) and I don't know how else I am supposed to address the invitations. I want to do what is proper. I just don't know how.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you do; you just don't want to do it.

Unless the lady is keeping her own name, she is now Mrs. Clarence Longstreet, regardless of how you feel about it. You do not have to call her Grandma, but you do have to use her formal name on a formal invitation.

Furthermore, Miss Manners assures you that you will regret it if you use the occasion of your wedding to offer a slight to a reputedly wonderful lady who has married your grandfather.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sing with an amateur volunteer group of seniors. Two of us have been volunteering to open a meeting at a local nursing home with an informal little show. We sing a few songs before the meeting begins, then sit quietly until they're through with their meeting.

Would it be rude to leave just as they call the meeting to order, or is it more rude to sit and listen to all their business? We certainly wouldn't want to offend anyone. The director of the meeting says he doesn't care.

GENTLE READER: Leave. You are there as performers, Miss Manners reminds you, not as guests. Well, guest performers, if you insist, but chiefly performers. And performers need to know when to acknowledge any applause, thank their audience and get off stage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ever since I can remember, the salad plate and bread-and-butter plate are on the left side of the dinner plate. But at a wedding rehearsal dinner in an Italian restaurant, where there were eight tables each seating 10 people, everyone (I mean everyone) used the bread and butter pate on the right side (which I thought should have been the plate used by one's neighbor sitting to your right).

Is this plate change something new? I used the plate on my left and confused my whole table. It has bothered me ever since it happened.

GENTLE READER: You are not the first to imagine that the Etiquette Council has nothing better to do than to annoy the public by making arbitrary and meaningless changes in minor customs.

"They've been turning to the left for too long, and they're getting complacent," one of our noble profession is presumed to have remarked. "Let's make them switch to the right."

Amid the giggles and shouts of "Oh, goody," a serious member would point out that this would crowd the right side, where the glasses are put, so should the glasses be moved to the left?

But no, it would be more fun to watch people spilling their drinks into their bread, so it would be decided to make only the one switch and leave the other for later.

All right, you didn't imagine this. You were just dumbfounded that 80 people could all get it wrong.

So is Miss Manners, although she realizes that all it takes is to have one person reach for the wrong plate, thereby forcing everyone to find that only the plate on the wrong side was available. Even 80 wrongs don't make it right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to wear black to funerals because it suits my mood, it's a useful social cue to clerks and waitresses not to be too chipper, and it's a way for the assembled group at the services to express their shared sense of loss for the deceased.

The trouble is, I'm likely to out-do the close friends and family of the dearly departed, who seem to want to wear flowers and pastels, with the idea, "He would have wanted us to be happy and celebrate his life." (Personally, I rather want my loved ones to be distraught at my funeral, but to each her own.) Is it in poor taste to dress more somberly than the family of the deceased at a funeral? Is it akin to ordering from the bottom of the menu when your host has ordered from the middle?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are talking about a mistress festooning herself with black veils and crepe in an attempt to outdo the widow, Miss Manners cannot condemn wearing mourning to a funeral. (And she is with you in the hope that her own death would not be greeted cheerfully.)

If the family chooses not to follow the accepted dress code, for whatever reason, it cannot expect others to violate it as well.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 20-some years, I have been annoyed by the seemingly universal habit here of people standing cheek-to-jowl with the folks who are checking out ahead of them at retail stores.

I have actually been pushed and shoved by people behind me. Once a woman ran her shopping cart over my heels in her haste. I am youngish, and, I think, reasonably alert; it is not as if I am doddering over coupons or fumbling for my wallet.

Well, today when I was checking out, I found a man at my elbow. He was almost touching my left shoulder (like within half an inch) and in instinctive avoidance reaction, I found that I had had to move several inches away, which made using the ATM appliance awkward, as it was then several inches to my left. My temper boiled over. I told him that standing closer to the register wouldn't hurry things along. I told him he was invading my space and that I didn't want him standing that close.

Needless to say, we exchanged a few snippy remarks -- he seemed incensed that I would take exception to his violation of my space.

I know that Miss Manners would coach me to say, "Excuse me sir, but I would appreciate your not attempting to stand so close -- I am feeling quite uncomfortable with your proximity." But what I want to know is, do you think I was out of line in even saying anything?

GENTLE READER: Just what did you accomplish by speaking out?

Did this person recognize his mistake, apologize and learn from it?

Yet such responses are often reported with pride, as if the result had been something other than turning an accidental annoyance into a nasty public scene.

It has not escaped Miss Manners' notice that you give something of a prissy turn to what you imagine she would say. A simple "Excuse me, sir, could you please give me a little more room?" said pleasantly, would have done.

The important point is that in addition to being polite, it works. Attacked with accusations such as the evil sounding "invading space," people always fight back. If given a face-saving way to retreat, they generally do. So your choice is not nasty or nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone is in your home and accidentally breaks something, how should you handle it?

I said you let is go because the person is far more important than the item or the cost of it.

My friend feels that they need to pay for it or replace it. This started with a broken plate. She has been stewing about it for weeks. I would have forgiven and let it go when it happened. We spent some time talking about the value of items and the parental responsibility if a child does the breaking. We are best friends and agreed to disagree, but I am bothered by the issue. What would you do?

GENTLE READER: As breaker, break-ee, or parent of breaker?

In the unlikely event that Miss Manners or someone under her charge broke something, she would insist on replacing it. If a guest broke something of hers, she would insist that they not do so. It seems that you and your friend are both reacting properly.

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