DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day, I was walking into a coffee shop as a man was walking out. His hands were full balancing three cups of coffee, so I held the door open for him. Two other men followed behind him and one said to me, "Don't you just love equal rights?"

Not long ago, a man in the office where I work was coming through a door behind me while he carried a heavy paper box, and I held the door for him. He made such a big deal out of it ("Wow, this is the first time a woman has ever held the door for me!") that for a second I wished I had just let the door slam back in his face.

This just seems like a matter of common courtesy to me.

Why can't they just say thank you instead of trying to make it into some kind of gender role issue?

GENTLE READER: They are not responsible for injecting gender into this; that was done centuries ago. And while Miss Manners agrees that they were being tedious, at least they were not being rude -- as you were tempted to be.

Gender was injected into precedence when chivalry came up with Ladies-First to replace Out-of-My-Way-I'm-Important-and-You're-Not. But in a shocking oversight, the new principle was not applied to such other areas as money and power.

In the 20th century, some feminists attempted to make a trade -- forgoing minor courtesies for major gains. As it turned out, they were instantly successful in having the courtesies dropped, but somewhat less so in making the gains.

Unfortunately, courtesy was lacking on both sides. When gentlemen attempted to follow the courtesies they had been used to, they were often treated as if they had offered an insult, and were insulted in return.

Apparently, it is payback time. Miss Manners asks you to bear with it while it lasts, which can't be much longer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a "gift card shower" for "a wonderful couple to celebrate their marriage and their new home."

There was no party or get-together. Instructions on the invitation indicated that this was a surprise and that those wishing to participate should send a gift card (from various retail stores listed) to the couple's new home address.

This young couple had a very small wedding several years ago and asked that no parties or wedding showers be given for them. Is this gift card shower something new?

GENTLE READER: For some time now, people who see their guests as sources of income and dry goods have been trying to eliminate what they believe to be the downside: actually seeing the guests, and supplying them with refreshments.

Eliminating that from social life has occurred to more than one such fundraiser. What Miss Manners fails to understand is why anyone would want to comply.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a football game, I was standing in a tunnel with a group of people waiting to go to our seats while the National Anthem played. There was a woman who looked to be battling some kind of cancer that kept her hat on during the song. A man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and told her she needed to show respect for the country and remove her hat.

A few people came to her defense, but he was adamant, so the woman complied. After she removed her hat, it was definitely obvious that she had just gone through chemotherapy.

The woman was upset by all of this, but to her credit, she stood tall and stared the man in the eye while the song played. I thought this guy was out of line and nobody should have to be humiliated in that manner. What would you do in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Rescue the hapless lady, of course. In this case, it would be particularly easy, because the rudeness was compounded by ignorance.

"I beg your pardon, sir," Miss Manners would have said to he who had given her an opening by broaching the topic in public. "I am afraid you are unfamiliar with correct behavior. It is not proper for ladies to remove their hats to show respect for the flag; that rule applies only to gentlemen. And gentlemen are supposed to show respect to ladies."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a quandary regarding how to deal with my very sensitive, very patronizing yet very loving and generous father. We have had times of estrangement in our relationship, both by choice and by circumstance, but have finally come to a place in both our lives where we would rather agree to disagree on certain topics than not have the other person in our lives.

My father is overseas for years at a time due to his work, and when he is, he insists (and I do mean *insists*) that he contribute to my economy since he cannot be here in person to provide day-to-day interpersonal support.

I expressed my gratitude at his generosity and have tried to reciprocate in ways that I can afford, i.e., run errands for him in the States, buy and ship things to him he cannot get overseas, interact with my grandparents (his parents) on his behalf during the inevitable crises that come with the elderly.

Generally, we have a good relationship now, but he is constantly throwing in my face comments about how I've finally become an adult, "Welcome to the adult world," "Isn't being an adult fun?", etc. If I were 20 or even 23, I could see his need to comment so frequently (maybe).

I am, however, 34 and have been supporting myself (with occasional help) since I was 21. I have owned and sold my own home. I have purchased all three of my cars on my own. Etc, etc, etc. His comments are beginning to grate on me, but I know if I say anything, it will turn into a verbal fistfight.

GENTLE READER: Patronizing? But he is your pater!

You make an impressive case for being mature, accepting family responsibility as well as financial responsibility. You say your relationship with your father is good.

So why, Miss Manners wonders, are you bristling? Part of maturity is the ability to understand that parents are ever amazed that their children grow up -- and to let trivial things pass for the sake of family harmony.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 25 years old and currently pregnant with our first child. At a morning prayer group for the women of my church, my mother and mother-in-law were both present (fortunately, I am on excellent terms with both) and the majority of women were their friends or women of the generation above theirs.

Almost all of them knew my husband and me as we grew up and so feel deeply connected with us, even though (in most cases) our actual interactions have been very limited.

At one point, one of them commented to me that "you might be carrying it, but it's really our baby." The other women all smiled and agreed.

They weren't serious, of course, but it wasn't just a joke, either. Since I had no desire to make a scene, I let it pass, but I found the comment very upsetting.

Am I right to be upset? My mother agrees that it was in poor taste but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. I expect my internal reaction is probably stronger than it should be, as is common during pregnancy. I have no intention of bringing the matter up again.

What do I do next time, if there should be one? I'll see these women again, after all. I don't wish to offend them (for one thing, I'm certain it was meant lovingly; for another, offending a potential source of free babysitting seems like bad policy), but I would prefer to retain some ownership of my own baby.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but you will not own your baby. Owning human beings is immoral and illegal.

And in the milder sense in which Miss Manners understands that you intended, it is unwise. These people were not plotting to kidnap your baby. They are not denying that you are the mother.

They are, as you acknowledge, lovingly expressing their feeling of connection with your family. Your child is fortunate to be born into a caring community. You, too, are lucky. You may or may not get free babysitting, but you will be assured an eager response when you want to go around showing off baby pictures and reporting baby development.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For Christmas, I received many, many gift certificates from well-meaning relatives. Personally, I spend a great deal of time picking presents that I think people will like and have meaning and significance to our relationship. I always feel somewhat put off when all I receive in return is a $20 gift certificate to a bookstore. Am I being outdated our overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Your relatives probably think it is over-sensitive and outdated to expect anyone to put thought into choosing a present. Or perhaps they considered that pairing you with the stores they chose is quite enough thought about you. Miss Manners only hopes they also thought to check the expiration date and other policies of the store that so often interfere with the recipients getting a present at all.

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