DEAR MISS MANNERS: The small company I work for hands out Christmas bonuses every year. The last two years I have been with the company, I have received a bonus, but I was not sure as to whether or not I should send a thank you note to the owner, so I didn't. Once again, I'm torn -- do I write a thank you note or don't I?

I was always told as a child that when you receive a gift, the proper thing to do would be to send the giver a thank you note. Are bonuses considered a gift or is it a thank you from the employer for your contribution to the business for the last year? Should one write a thank you note for their thanking you? What is the proper way to accept Christmas Bonuses?

GENTLE READER: With gracious thanks.

Miss Manners cannot imagine where you got the idea that thanks are only for what is undeserved. Or that you should err on the side of nonthanks when there is a doubt.

Why, people who are after your job have been sending thank you letters to your personnel department just for interviewing them. Surely you can squeeze out a word of thanks for the company's having rewarded you, whether or not it was expected or contracted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you deal with grandchildren, age 5, age 10 and age 15, who have not learned or been guided by their parents in courtesies such as thank you notes?

As a grandparent, I feel a moral obligation to provide positive guidance but don't know the best (if any) way to go about it. One such effort, what I thought was a courteous note to the parents, resulted in a hostile reply. And curtailing future gifts to young children whose parents' neglect is responsible seems inappropriate.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, a grandparent should provide guidance, most notably to the parents two decades or longer before they become parents. Should these people lapse once they have outgrown such jurisdiction, their elders will have to do it all over again.

But not the same way, Miss Manners cautions them. As you have discovered, they cannot, with impunity, issue directives that contradict or criticize their grandchildren's parents.

They are thus reduced to appealing to the children's reason.

Choose some time when you have been playing happily with them, so they will not interpret your remarks as scolding.

"I wonder if I did something wrong," you might muse. The prospect of a confession of wrong-doing from their seniors is of great interest to children.

Pressed for an explanation, you say, "I enjoy selecting presents for all of you, because I imagine them making you happy. But I must be wrong, because I never hear a word from you about them -- not even whether they arrived, and never that you liked them.

"Should I stop sending them?"

There will be a chorus of "No!" after which you can say gently, "then I will expect some feedback from each of you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that the holidays are over, I seem to be bombarded with thank you notes from recipients of my gifts. Is this a common practice? I have recently moved to a new city and had not received thank you notes for gifts in the past, unless it were for a wedding or baby shower. Is it a new rule to give a thank you note for any gift, regardless of the occasion? Christmas, birthdays, etc.? If so, I have millions to catch up on!

GENTLE READER: Get busy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the correct way for a man to choose or change dance partners without making others feel bad?

I've been going to a social dance club. I normally show up without a date, as do several other men and women. I'm there just for an evening's diversion.

I don't want anyone to feel left out. How do I ask one woman to dance without making the woman next to her feel like lesser goods? Is there a polite way to stop dancing with a current partner so I can ask a woman who's been left sitting? I've gotten to know some of the women who are regulars, but others are strangers to me.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman should never leave a lady stranded on or near a dance floor -- a rule that has led to desperate signals in the attempt to palm off a dance partner with whom he does not wish to continue.

So if no one leaps over to take her off his hands, he finishes the dance, thanks the lady and escorts her back to join others on the sidelines, where he found her. Similarly, he does not whisk a lady to the dance floor if she is with only one other lady, who would then be stranded (which is why ladies should not stand around in pairs). But if he must, he should say to the remaining lady, "And may I engage you for the next dance?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please address the proper use of the chargers that are so popular today. Everyone seems to have a different idea.

Is it put on the table and left there throughout the meal, removing the salad plate and replacing it with the dinner plate, etc.; or is the dinner plate put on the charger and salad plate put on top of it? One friend says she's so glad to use it because she doesn't have to use a place mat.

GENTLE READER: Is she going to put the food on the tabletop when it is removed? Or will that stack of dishes, one on top of the other, fall over first?

The charger, or place plate ("charger" sounds too aggressive for Miss Manners), is set at each place at the start of the meal, and a soup plate or other smaller first-course plate may be set on it. However, it must then be removed and replaced by the dinner plate. It is not allowed to stay for the entire meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is very unusual -- he likes to do the thank you notes, birthdays, etc. He probably sends over 500 notes a year.

Recently, he sent a mutual friend of ours a sympathy card, for her brother, whom we did not know -- and now she is put out with me for the fact that I did not sign it also. Isn't his signature adequate to suffice?

GENTLE READER: His signature, yes. Only one person can write, and therefore should sign, a letter. But does he not know to include you in the text, as in "Imogene and I were so sorry to hear..."?

Miss Manners gives him great credit for doing a noble job, one that was once the sole burden of wives. If that disgruntled and ungrateful recipient objects merely because he is the family letter-writer, do not let it trouble you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a discussion with a lady who is to be married to a cousin of mine. She said that black tie means you must wear a bow tie.

I told her that in different cultures that was not the case. I did not mean different countries, which is what she thought at first. I meant if you live in New York, Dallas, San Fran, Small Town, Large Town, High Society, Middle Class, Rich, or Poor that the standards for a Black Tie are different.

I did my research and found that standard on a few Web sites means you must wear a bow tie. However I still feel very upset at her, due to the tone she used and the fact that even with the Web sites I found, I still feel if you are in a poor group of people Black Tie would mean something different. I know it would be nice to have these things spelled out.

However, I have lived in different parts of the country. In the Boston area you can ask for a Tonic and they will assume you mean a Coke, Pepsi or some other carbonated drink. In Wichita, Kan., you could simply ask for a pop and it would mean the same. Different words and different understanding of words show up in different groups of people.

I had ideas on what a wedding should include when I married and my wife had different ideas. Some people assume all weddings have dancing, some assume all weddings have a sit-down meal after the wedding. However, that all depends on where you live and what your family's ideas are about these things.

I am not sure what I am asking other than I am upset and she will not know I am upset unless she invites me to a black tie party or wedding. I will not be getting a tux unless I am part of the wedding party. I feel that the cost of a tux is to much just to go to the party or wedding.

GENTLE READER: It never fails to astonish Miss Manners how hysterical some gentlemen become when asked to dress up. Here you found that your hypothesis about regional variation was wrong, and yet you won't give up. And you are raring to take it out on your cousin's bride.

Unless a gentleman is accepting an Academy Award, he is not supposed to make himself conspicuous by deviating from the standard -- and it is standard, whatever you say -- style of the occasion. Ladies have considerably more leeway (and have been known to abuse it). The advantages are that gentlemen don't have to fuss over what to wear -- and that they can easily rent evening clothes.

If this is too much of a sacrifice for you don't go to your cousin's wedding. But don't take it out on his bride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to say, "I accept your apology, even though I still think what you did was unacceptable"?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that."

This is the noncommittal equivalent of that noncommittal apology so favored by politicians, "I'm sorry if you took offense."

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