DEAR MISS MANNERS: The holidays mean that friends and family fill each other in on the year's happenings. For the last few Christmases, I have had the same boyfriend. It was getting very serious and my relatives really liked him.

We have since broken up, and it was not pleasant. Now all my family members ask about him, since they haven't yet heard the news of the split. It's still painful to discuss, and so, I'd rather not.

How does one politely deflect inquiries as to his whereabouts, or worse yet, relationship criticism and advice from well-meaning aunties and uncles?

GENTLE READER: Holiday gatherings are too long for hit-and-run conversations. Say "It's over, and I don't want to talk about it," and Miss Manners assures you that it will inspire questions about why you don't want to talk about it, and advice about resuming the romance or finding someone else.

Worse, explain why it's over and they will be at you for being "too picky" -- and this from people who think that you are so wonderful that no one is quite good enough for you.

Why? These are well-meaning relatives, so why would they hang on to a subject that annoys you?

Because they want a connection with you and feel it ought to take the benevolent form of giving you wisdom from your elders, even on subjects they know nothing about and that you do not want to discuss.

So provide another topic: "Everett? Oh, that's completely over. But tell me, Uncle Will -- you know about real estate. I'm trying to decide whether to rent or to buy." And "I've almost forgotten him, Aunt Barbara. Now I know you and I are not quite in the same field, but how important do you think it is to get a graduate degree now, or should I get some work experience first?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone gave me a gift and when I opened it, I saw that it was an item I already have. Just as I was starting to smile and say thank you, the giver asked me directly if I already owned the item.

I said that I did, because I didn't want to lie. Was my behavior improper? If this happens again, should I say I do not already have the item so that I do not deflate the joy of the giver?

GENTLE READER: You do not have to answer a question just because it was asked. Miss Manners keeps trying to teach that to those who nevertheless do and get themselves into social trouble.

You could drown this inquiry out with squeals about how much you love it. Then, again, there is always "Yes, and I've always wanted another."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When receiving a Christmas gift, either by mail or in person, what is the proper etiquette concerning "thank you" notes? Is a note of thanks a necessary response to a Christmas gift or is it just a polite gesture?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean "just" a polite gesture? Giving you the present was a polite gesture. Most of what makes life enjoyable are pleasant gestures and the sentiments that inspired them. Miss Manners is not going to assist you in rude-ing down life. Write those letters, please.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a cashier during the Christmas season, and I often wish my customers "Happy holidays." Sometimes customers get all offended and reply with something like "I choose to celebrate Christmas," or they go into this long angry rant about the use of the word Christmas.

Am I wrong? "Happy holidays" is more of a habit for me than "Merry Christmas." I mean it as a gesture of good will, and am rather hurt to be yelled at for my choice of words.

GENTLE READER: But they mean it as a gesture of -- well, of what? The spirit of Christmas? Their interpretation of the proper Christian attitude toward those who wish them well?

Miss Manners realizes that those who deal with the public will encounter some nastiness, which professionalism requires them to ignore. But please do not allow the misuse of religion to browbeat others to make you doubt yourself. "Happy holidays" is the general greeting because, as you know, not all your customers are Christian, but they all do get legal holidays for Christmas and New Year's Day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a family friend who is, I think, in nearly all things, a model of etiquette. Yet, there is one habit she has that I find to be somewhat off-the-mark.

On a few occasions, she has invited me and members of my family to her home for holiday and birthday gatherings, and each time, she has insisted that we do not bring gifts. Yet, on each occasion, she has gifts for us.

One time, I ignored her request not to bring gifts -- since I enjoy giving gifts on holidays and would love to give to her as well -- and she seemed genuinely displeased by my failure to follow her directive.

Am I wrong to be offended by her behavior, from which I glean roughly the following message: "You should be so lucky as to receive a gift from me, but please do not fill my house with your useless junk?"

GENTLE READER: Could you possibly put a harsher interpretation on the motives of someone who entertains your family?

It is true that some people who are gracious about giving can be less gracious about receiving. This is not pleasant, but at least better than the reverse. Your friend may be over-reacting against the invitations-with-registry practice so unfortunately common today.

But of course you want to reciprocate. Miss Manners' question is: Do you?

That is, do you reciprocate this lady's hospitality by entertaining her? If not, the presents you bring might strike her as intended to be payment in full for what should be repaid in kind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece just graduated and we received an announcement. What was puzzling was the fact that there was an empty, stamped self addressed smaller envelope inside. Nothing else. Is this rude, or just me?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think she was hoping for news of you, and wanted to save you the trouble of looking up her address and the cost of the postage?

At any rate, that is the way you should use the envelope. Miss Manners hopes you do not think so little of your niece to suspect that she intended you to fill the envelope with money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for when you pour gravy or a sauce from a gravy bowl (it has a spout) and the gravy is dripping off the side of the spout? Do you wipe it off with your napkin, leave it there to drip, lick it off (ha!) or wipe it off with your finger or what?

Should the gravy bowl (with the spout -- I don't even know what they're called) have a plate under it to catch the drips? What if the table cloth is white and there isn't a plate underneath?

GENTLE READER: It is called a gravy boat or sauce boat, and, like any boat, it poses hazards.

Miss Manners would think it in the interest of the host to provide the usual under-liner. Regardless, it is in the interest of the guest not to make a spectacle of himself by dribbling gravy.

But that includes dribbling it onto the napkin. Try turning the spout slightly sideways after pouring, as if it were a wine bottle. If that doesn't work, use your knife to remove whatever gravy is coming down the side. And if that doesn't work, quick, pass the gravy boat to your dinner partner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone at church or wherever will ask where I will be spending Christmas. In fact, I have no particular plans, and I don't want to invent some, in case this is a prologue to an invitation.

Usually, no invitation is extended, but the speaker is not happy with my being alone. So he or she will ask why I won't be with my father. My sister? My aunt? Don't I have any cousins?

I have not forgotten that these relatives exist. For reasons that I really do not want to explain (work schedules, geography and the realities of family relationships), I won't be with any of them. It becomes miserable.

Well, had I considered hosting a dinner? Gathering up a compatible table of folks is difficult even when it is not a holiday. A table made up of people with nothing in common but no place to go is not a good conversation. Soup kitchens around here do not need any more new people coming to work that one day.

What can I say that will jolt folks enough to make them stop suggesting the obvious but not be so abrupt that I lose any chance at an invitation, if that is being considered?

GENTLE READER: Do you really want to spend the day with people who don't issue invitations until ascertaining that you have no alternative and can't be persuaded to seek one?

And wouldn't they be assembling exactly the sort of group of strays that you don't want to entertain?

Mind you, Miss Manners disagrees that such a gathering is bound to be dreary. With parties, as with romance, chance can sometimes produce more sparks than obvious suitability. So she has no qualms about telling you how to fish for an invitation.

"Unfortunately, I can't be with my family," you say with a sad but brave little smile. "And what are you doing?"

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