DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for when you pour gravy or a sauce from a gravy bowl (it has a spout) and the gravy is dripping off the side of the spout? Do you wipe it off with your napkin, leave it there to drip, lick it off (ha!) or wipe it off with your finger or what?

Should the gravy bowl (with the spout -- I don't even know what they're called) have a plate under it to catch the drips? What if the table cloth is white and there isn't a plate underneath?

GENTLE READER: It is called a gravy boat or sauce boat, and, like any boat, it poses hazards.

Miss Manners would think it in the interest of the host to provide the usual under-liner. Regardless, it is in the interest of the guest not to make a spectacle of himself by dribbling gravy.

But that includes dribbling it onto the napkin. Try turning the spout slightly sideways after pouring, as if it were a wine bottle. If that doesn't work, use your knife to remove whatever gravy is coming down the side. And if that doesn't work, quick, pass the gravy boat to your dinner partner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone at church or wherever will ask where I will be spending Christmas. In fact, I have no particular plans, and I don't want to invent some, in case this is a prologue to an invitation.

Usually, no invitation is extended, but the speaker is not happy with my being alone. So he or she will ask why I won't be with my father. My sister? My aunt? Don't I have any cousins?

I have not forgotten that these relatives exist. For reasons that I really do not want to explain (work schedules, geography and the realities of family relationships), I won't be with any of them. It becomes miserable.

Well, had I considered hosting a dinner? Gathering up a compatible table of folks is difficult even when it is not a holiday. A table made up of people with nothing in common but no place to go is not a good conversation. Soup kitchens around here do not need any more new people coming to work that one day.

What can I say that will jolt folks enough to make them stop suggesting the obvious but not be so abrupt that I lose any chance at an invitation, if that is being considered?

GENTLE READER: Do you really want to spend the day with people who don't issue invitations until ascertaining that you have no alternative and can't be persuaded to seek one?

And wouldn't they be assembling exactly the sort of group of strays that you don't want to entertain?

Mind you, Miss Manners disagrees that such a gathering is bound to be dreary. With parties, as with romance, chance can sometimes produce more sparks than obvious suitability. So she has no qualms about telling you how to fish for an invitation.

"Unfortunately, I can't be with my family," you say with a sad but brave little smile. "And what are you doing?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are both fortunate to come from large families with whom we love to spend time, and do so frequently. We are also blessed to belong to more than one large circle of friends.

Consequently, we receive a fair number of invitations to various gatherings, from impromptu and very casual BBQs to more structured gatherings like birthday parties, weddings and dinner parties. We happily attend the vast majority.

When, for whatever reason, we cannot or would rather not attend, my contention is all that is required and expected is to say something to the effect of "Thank you for the invitation, we'd love to be there but we can't make it. Perhaps another time."

I find it unpleasant to be grilled by the inviter. If they continue to press, I'll say something like, "Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you weren't also invited, but we're having dinner and drinks with the Queen of England." This usually gets the message across in a firm but humorous way.

My wife insists it's rude not to offer a specific excuse why we won't be there, and if we'd simply rather not go, to make up an imaginary excuse.

This baffles me, and has put me in an awkward spot more than once. The next time we talk to the inviters, one will say something like "Oh, how did Jack do in his game?"

Because I don't know or don't remember that was the excuse we used, I'll answer truthfully that Jack's season ended weeks ago. When they say "Oh, we thought that was why you couldn't come to the party last week," I'll have to stammer something about an imaginary postseason all-star game or the like.

My wife believes the closer we feel to the inviter, the more elaborate the explanation we are required to offer. I agree we can't just say, "No, sorry," but the multi-layered excuse, especially if it's partially or completely untrue, is totally over the top and can backfire.

GENTLE READER: On the principles, Miss Manners is entirely with you. Ahead of you, actually, because she has always declared specific excuses to be unnecessary when one promptly and graciously declines by expressing regret. False excuses contain their own punishment.

Also, she does not regard most invitations as summonses, and reassures those who claim they feel guilty that they are perfectly at liberty to decline.

But in etiquette, as in law, one must be wary of applying general rules without knowing the particular circumstances. If the occasion is a truly important one for someone extremely close -- Christmas with the family, your sister's wedding, your best friend's funeral -- you are not going to get away with mere expressions of regret and jokes. If you don't have an honest excuse that you can explain, then you just have to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend told me that I scrape my fork with my teeth sometimes when I'm eating. I had no idea I was doing this, and it's a completely unconscious behavior. Since then, I have tried to be aware of it and stop, since I'm sure it is an annoying sound.

But frequently when we're eating together, he'll point out that I'm scraping. Sometimes this is simply "Honey? Fork," which annoys me to no end. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Stop scraping your fork. It is driving Miss Manners crazy, and she's not even at the table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dealing with a serious hip condition, and this summer it was time to have surgery so that I would ultimately be able to walk and function normally again. At first, I wasn't sure how widely I was going to share the news of my plans, but after reading about the healing process, I learned it is good to have a support group of caring people keeping me in mind throughout my process and sending positive thoughts and prayers.

So I shared my plans with my (14) relatives and a few (4) close friends and (6) neighbors, plus the guy I work with, and (10) social message board friends. These are people I have regular contact with, most for multiple years, and in the not-too-distant past have sent greeting cards of many varieties to, including birthday, graduation, sympathy, new baby, hospital/get well, sorry your dog died, congrats on new venture, Christmas, etc. All these people are also well aware that I have had a hip problem for many years.

When I went through my mail after the surgery, I discovered there was not one get-well greeting card in the bunch. Not a one!

I was quite surprised, and frankly quite disappointed that having major surgery was not reason enough for any of the closest people in my life to send me a card. I have been home and continuing my recuperation for nearly a month now, and still no one has sent me a card.

It has been one of the most disappointing experiences of my life, and has me questioning whether I will ever send a greeting card to any one of them again for any reason.

I need to know, Miss Manners ... has it become taboo to send a get well greeting card? Is this the new norm, and hence why so many greeting card stores are closing? Am I over-reacting?

If I don't come to some understanding soon, I'm afraid I'm going to harbor a certain level of resentment toward all these people for a long time to come. Would you please be so kind as to provide some perspective?

GENTLE READER: It may be possible to alter your perspective somewhat, but Miss Manners despairs of being able to erase the basic hurt. How she wishes she could.

You are focused on the sending of greeting cards, which may well be on the decline. There are so many other, quicker ways now to send good wishes, which do not involve pawing through cards to find what one could more charmingly have written out by hand.

The hurtful thing is that people dropped sending cards without replacing the intent, which is to show that they cared. But truly caring, in such a case, requires more than sending messages by whatever means. Calls, inquiries, visits -- with all the time people now devote to their virtual "friends," surely they could be attending to the real people to whom they should be connected.

But now you have Miss Manners brooding, too, and that doesn't do much good. Perhaps you could help change things by telling your non-correspondents that you are now better and are eager to have news of them.

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