DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I are having a disagreement over the proper etiquette concerning holiday cards. I have always included a very short, handwritten note in each holiday card, including the recipient's name and that of their family members, as an addition to the greeting printed on the inside of each card.

My partner complains that this is a colossal waste of time, and implores me not only to abstain from writing a greeting, but also to purchase a stamp of our combined signatures that we can then imprint on every card. Short of this, he says we could create a "form greeting" on the computer and run each card through the printer, which would automatically fill in the recipient's name and family information.

I think that such an impersonal greeting would be rude. Perhaps the card envelope may have a printed address but surely a handwritten note inside is the most appropriate.

My partner insists that since most of these greetings I write are very similar in wording, the recipients would know that I spent little time on their particular card, and would not be offended by a typed message instead.

However, this sounds very rude to me, and suspiciously like the form "holiday newsletter" which I deplore. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Who are you, Tiny Tim, that you think personal sentiment should be part of the holiday?

And if the gentleman thinks your own handwritten sentiments will be scorned, what does he believe you would accomplish with a preprinted formula?

Miss Manners would be wary of such a one, in regard to life, as well as to correspondence. But perhaps his attitude would be welcome to those who feel that the holidays have not become sufficiently rote and commercial.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After we had passed the salad bowl around the table, my younger teenaged son helped himself to the salad by using his hands to pick out the assorted pieces he preferred.

When reprimanded by his father and grandmother, he replied that he would never behave as such in public, but at home manners could be more informal, and that, after all, he had not touched any of the remaining salad, eliminating any health concerns. He said that family is where one could relax and not worry about conventions.

To some extent, I believe he is right, but where should one draw the line? If he knows the rules for public behavior and there is no logical reason to forbid using ones hands, is this a matter of concern?

GENTLE READER: A matter for concern? It is a full-fledged etiquette emergency.

Miss Manners hates to break this to you, but your son is not the master of two sets of manners, formal and informal. The style he is using is piggy manners, and he is arguing that the disgust of his relatives has no weight with him.

That he also knows and employs charming manners that he uses in the presence of those whom he cares less about is something Miss Manners very much doubts.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have hosted a large Christmas party in our home almost every year since 1994. We invite around 300 people, a combination of business associates and friends, with about 150 usually attending.

We skipped a year some years back, due to our financial situation at the time, and the fact that I was working two jobs. My husband insisted on inserting a little note in our Christmas cards, stating something to the effect that we didn't have a party that year because we were taking a break, but we wished them all well. I didn't feel that it was necessary to explain ourselves to everyone, especially business associates, and that just sending them a Christmas card was fine.

The party is usually catered, with a theme of Christmas in another country, with that country's food and traditions. I decorate the house lavishly, in connection with the theme for that year. We've had bagpipers, hula dancers, high school chamber groups and other musical entertainment to enhance the evening.

Needless to say, it's a lot of work and a major expense, even when I do the food myself. We love to do it, and our friends look forward to it, always eager to visit with friends they haven't seen in a while, and to enjoy whatever the theme is. They ask me about it all year -- what is your theme this year, what is the date, etc.

We're pretty sure that we won't be able to have the party this year, and my husband would like to send out a note to everyone again, because he doesn't want them to think that we can't afford to have one or that we had one and didn't invite them. I don't know exactly what we would say, but I feel that this is not necessary and will just draw more attention to the fact that we aren't having it.

Some of the guests are people he still deals with in his business, or may need to do so in the future, so I do understand his concern about them thinking he is still prosperous, although surely everyone understands the state of the economy this year.

In your opinion, is it appropriate to send such a note, and if so, what message should we convey?

GENTLE READER: It hardly seems fair that the burden should be on long-time hosts to announce a non-party, as if they were shirking an obligation.

Yet Miss Manners is aware that many guests come to think of annual parties as an entitlement. People who may not have made any effort to extend hospitality to their hosts during an entire year often feel aggrieved if they are not invited annually.

For this reason, Miss Manners cautions generous hosts to vary their habits. They should either skip a year or two now and then, or give, for example, a Twelfth Night party instead of a Christmas one, or choose some other holiday or occasion.

She agrees that explanations, and even warnings, are unnecessary. But if anyone should be so bold as to complain, you could say cheerfully that while you love to give parties, you thought you would give someone else a turn to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a proper response to a compliment bestowed upon one's pet? Because of his striking appearance, my dog receives numerous compliments when out in public.

GENTLE READER: "Say 'thank you,' Fido."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I can contain my anger, let me relate the Thanksgiving Day "celebration" at our home, with my large family.

Since there were more than a dozen people, I bought and paid for a complete, ready-prepared dinner package from the local supermart, a convenient and economical way to feed the family and eliminate lots of work. Everyone was told that I paid for the entire doing, but I got not so much as a polite "thank you" from anyone, only a passing "Oh, that's nice." nothing more. My "dear" sister insisted on making some dishes of her own, and without asking or saying a word, threw a few of the paid-for items into the trash. (I must say that her cooking would proverbially sicken a goat. She's terrible in the kitchen!)

At the beginning of the meal, since no one in the family drinks alcohol, I substituted sparkling fruit juice instead of wine or champagne, in respect of their tastes. My mother's dear "friend" refused to join in the toast of celebration, said "I don't like that stuff" and literally pushed it away across the table. While I had prepared a beautiful antipasto side dish, as well as an assortment of cheese, fruit, and crackers, the whole crowd never touched it, but instead spent the day snacking on goldfish crackers and chocolate milk! (These are all adult people, the youngest among them are my niece & nephew, both in their late 20s). And when I would suggest an activity, such as to watch a movie they might enjoy, or something similar, my suggestions were simply shrugged off with a lame alibi, such as "We don't have time for that," while whiling away the hours in idle, pointless conversation with my mother.

With the holiday over, they all packed up and left in the early morning, while I was asleep, without even bothering to wake me to say goodbye, or thank me for my efforts on their behalf. I shall never, ever, invite these insensitive, rude clods to my home again! I can't remember the last time I've been so gravely insulted!

GENTLE READER: Wait -- You forgot to say what you were thankful for.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been asked out by almost all the guys in my grade. I am in 7th grade. I have been called nasty names by declining to date. I say, "No. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to date yet."

It's not because of religion. I don't date because I believe middle school is too early.

Is there a polite way to decline?

GENTLE READER: Certainly -- blame your parents. That is what they are there for.

If they are so strict as to refuse to forbid you to date, Miss Manners suggests changing your wording slightly. "I'm not allowed to date," which covers not allowing yourself, and sounds less prissy than your refusal.

: