DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have hosted a large Christmas party in our home almost every year since 1994. We invite around 300 people, a combination of business associates and friends, with about 150 usually attending.

We skipped a year some years back, due to our financial situation at the time, and the fact that I was working two jobs. My husband insisted on inserting a little note in our Christmas cards, stating something to the effect that we didn't have a party that year because we were taking a break, but we wished them all well. I didn't feel that it was necessary to explain ourselves to everyone, especially business associates, and that just sending them a Christmas card was fine.

The party is usually catered, with a theme of Christmas in another country, with that country's food and traditions. I decorate the house lavishly, in connection with the theme for that year. We've had bagpipers, hula dancers, high school chamber groups and other musical entertainment to enhance the evening.

Needless to say, it's a lot of work and a major expense, even when I do the food myself. We love to do it, and our friends look forward to it, always eager to visit with friends they haven't seen in a while, and to enjoy whatever the theme is. They ask me about it all year -- what is your theme this year, what is the date, etc.

We're pretty sure that we won't be able to have the party this year, and my husband would like to send out a note to everyone again, because he doesn't want them to think that we can't afford to have one or that we had one and didn't invite them. I don't know exactly what we would say, but I feel that this is not necessary and will just draw more attention to the fact that we aren't having it.

Some of the guests are people he still deals with in his business, or may need to do so in the future, so I do understand his concern about them thinking he is still prosperous, although surely everyone understands the state of the economy this year.

In your opinion, is it appropriate to send such a note, and if so, what message should we convey?

GENTLE READER: It hardly seems fair that the burden should be on long-time hosts to announce a non-party, as if they were shirking an obligation.

Yet Miss Manners is aware that many guests come to think of annual parties as an entitlement. People who may not have made any effort to extend hospitality to their hosts during an entire year often feel aggrieved if they are not invited annually.

For this reason, Miss Manners cautions generous hosts to vary their habits. They should either skip a year or two now and then, or give, for example, a Twelfth Night party instead of a Christmas one, or choose some other holiday or occasion.

She agrees that explanations, and even warnings, are unnecessary. But if anyone should be so bold as to complain, you could say cheerfully that while you love to give parties, you thought you would give someone else a turn to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a proper response to a compliment bestowed upon one's pet? Because of his striking appearance, my dog receives numerous compliments when out in public.

GENTLE READER: "Say 'thank you,' Fido."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I can contain my anger, let me relate the Thanksgiving Day "celebration" at our home, with my large family.

Since there were more than a dozen people, I bought and paid for a complete, ready-prepared dinner package from the local supermart, a convenient and economical way to feed the family and eliminate lots of work. Everyone was told that I paid for the entire doing, but I got not so much as a polite "thank you" from anyone, only a passing "Oh, that's nice." nothing more. My "dear" sister insisted on making some dishes of her own, and without asking or saying a word, threw a few of the paid-for items into the trash. (I must say that her cooking would proverbially sicken a goat. She's terrible in the kitchen!)

At the beginning of the meal, since no one in the family drinks alcohol, I substituted sparkling fruit juice instead of wine or champagne, in respect of their tastes. My mother's dear "friend" refused to join in the toast of celebration, said "I don't like that stuff" and literally pushed it away across the table. While I had prepared a beautiful antipasto side dish, as well as an assortment of cheese, fruit, and crackers, the whole crowd never touched it, but instead spent the day snacking on goldfish crackers and chocolate milk! (These are all adult people, the youngest among them are my niece & nephew, both in their late 20s). And when I would suggest an activity, such as to watch a movie they might enjoy, or something similar, my suggestions were simply shrugged off with a lame alibi, such as "We don't have time for that," while whiling away the hours in idle, pointless conversation with my mother.

With the holiday over, they all packed up and left in the early morning, while I was asleep, without even bothering to wake me to say goodbye, or thank me for my efforts on their behalf. I shall never, ever, invite these insensitive, rude clods to my home again! I can't remember the last time I've been so gravely insulted!

GENTLE READER: Wait -- You forgot to say what you were thankful for.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been asked out by almost all the guys in my grade. I am in 7th grade. I have been called nasty names by declining to date. I say, "No. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to date yet."

It's not because of religion. I don't date because I believe middle school is too early.

Is there a polite way to decline?

GENTLE READER: Certainly -- blame your parents. That is what they are there for.

If they are so strict as to refuse to forbid you to date, Miss Manners suggests changing your wording slightly. "I'm not allowed to date," which covers not allowing yourself, and sounds less prissy than your refusal.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several members of our very large family are wondering how to handle something that happens at all of our holiday gatherings.

Unfortunately, we have a few family members who take large amounts of leftovers home when they have contributed little or nothing to the meal. They are not destitute, only poor in their manners, because they don't ask if anyone minds.

We wouldn't mind if they were a little more giving or asked permission. We are not talking about single men, aging aunts or college kids here. Any suggestions as to what can be said when we walk into the kitchen and discover them stuffing all the white meat into a baggie?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, thank you; you're helping pack it up. I'm planning to donate the leftovers to the needy. Just leave the bags over here, please, and we'll take them over while the food is still fresh."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I get through the holiday buffet dinners? I have witnessed women overload their plates, leaving very little for fellow dinners who may be at the end of the line. I have witnessed people make two plates, one to eat at the function and one to take home.

I have overheard women say, after perusing my salad after I spent much time slicing and dicing the fresh vegetables, that "I don't eat celery, it gives me gas" or "That has onions, I can't eat onions" or "Does the soup have chicken broth? I can't eat it if it does, I'm a vegetarian."

As a Southerner, I was taught that one was to show appreciation to all who prepared food to share. I was to accept a small portion or take none at all, but I was not to make comments about my stomach or bowels at a meal or make my preferences loudly or rudely. What have we come to?

GENTLE READER: Why don't these people tweet their remarks to all the world?

Well, perhaps they do. After all, nothing stimulates the appetite like hearing about other people's gastric problems.

(The vegetarian is a slightly different case -- she should have asked the hostess quietly or skipped the soup.)

What we have come to, through a combination of popular psychology and expanding technology, is a presumption that all our thoughts and feelings are worth uttering. Miss Manners advises you to go through the buffet line last, which you would do anyway when you are the hostess who cut up the vegetables, or, when you are a guest, first as a favor to other hostesses whose guests hang back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague and I are debating the correct term to use on invitations to solicit replies for an art exhibition opening at a New York museum. My colleague insists R.s.v.p is proper.

I understand French, and therefore understand the reasoning behind this choice. However, I find it outdated and think people will view it as a typo since it's so rarely written this way. My colleague showed me a page from a book of yours on which you wrote, " 'R.s.v.p.' is correct." Do you still hold this opinion.

GENTLE READER-- It is not an opinion; it is correct, although "R.S.V.P." is commonly used.

But these days, when guests so often breeze past either and claim that they don't think an answer is expected, Miss Manners prefers the correct -- but clear English-- convention, "The favor of a reply is requested."

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