DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I can contain my anger, let me relate the Thanksgiving Day "celebration" at our home, with my large family.

Since there were more than a dozen people, I bought and paid for a complete, ready-prepared dinner package from the local supermart, a convenient and economical way to feed the family and eliminate lots of work. Everyone was told that I paid for the entire doing, but I got not so much as a polite "thank you" from anyone, only a passing "Oh, that's nice." nothing more. My "dear" sister insisted on making some dishes of her own, and without asking or saying a word, threw a few of the paid-for items into the trash. (I must say that her cooking would proverbially sicken a goat. She's terrible in the kitchen!)

At the beginning of the meal, since no one in the family drinks alcohol, I substituted sparkling fruit juice instead of wine or champagne, in respect of their tastes. My mother's dear "friend" refused to join in the toast of celebration, said "I don't like that stuff" and literally pushed it away across the table. While I had prepared a beautiful antipasto side dish, as well as an assortment of cheese, fruit, and crackers, the whole crowd never touched it, but instead spent the day snacking on goldfish crackers and chocolate milk! (These are all adult people, the youngest among them are my niece & nephew, both in their late 20s). And when I would suggest an activity, such as to watch a movie they might enjoy, or something similar, my suggestions were simply shrugged off with a lame alibi, such as "We don't have time for that," while whiling away the hours in idle, pointless conversation with my mother.

With the holiday over, they all packed up and left in the early morning, while I was asleep, without even bothering to wake me to say goodbye, or thank me for my efforts on their behalf. I shall never, ever, invite these insensitive, rude clods to my home again! I can't remember the last time I've been so gravely insulted!

GENTLE READER: Wait -- You forgot to say what you were thankful for.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been asked out by almost all the guys in my grade. I am in 7th grade. I have been called nasty names by declining to date. I say, "No. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to date yet."

It's not because of religion. I don't date because I believe middle school is too early.

Is there a polite way to decline?

GENTLE READER: Certainly -- blame your parents. That is what they are there for.

If they are so strict as to refuse to forbid you to date, Miss Manners suggests changing your wording slightly. "I'm not allowed to date," which covers not allowing yourself, and sounds less prissy than your refusal.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several members of our very large family are wondering how to handle something that happens at all of our holiday gatherings.

Unfortunately, we have a few family members who take large amounts of leftovers home when they have contributed little or nothing to the meal. They are not destitute, only poor in their manners, because they don't ask if anyone minds.

We wouldn't mind if they were a little more giving or asked permission. We are not talking about single men, aging aunts or college kids here. Any suggestions as to what can be said when we walk into the kitchen and discover them stuffing all the white meat into a baggie?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, thank you; you're helping pack it up. I'm planning to donate the leftovers to the needy. Just leave the bags over here, please, and we'll take them over while the food is still fresh."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I get through the holiday buffet dinners? I have witnessed women overload their plates, leaving very little for fellow dinners who may be at the end of the line. I have witnessed people make two plates, one to eat at the function and one to take home.

I have overheard women say, after perusing my salad after I spent much time slicing and dicing the fresh vegetables, that "I don't eat celery, it gives me gas" or "That has onions, I can't eat onions" or "Does the soup have chicken broth? I can't eat it if it does, I'm a vegetarian."

As a Southerner, I was taught that one was to show appreciation to all who prepared food to share. I was to accept a small portion or take none at all, but I was not to make comments about my stomach or bowels at a meal or make my preferences loudly or rudely. What have we come to?

GENTLE READER: Why don't these people tweet their remarks to all the world?

Well, perhaps they do. After all, nothing stimulates the appetite like hearing about other people's gastric problems.

(The vegetarian is a slightly different case -- she should have asked the hostess quietly or skipped the soup.)

What we have come to, through a combination of popular psychology and expanding technology, is a presumption that all our thoughts and feelings are worth uttering. Miss Manners advises you to go through the buffet line last, which you would do anyway when you are the hostess who cut up the vegetables, or, when you are a guest, first as a favor to other hostesses whose guests hang back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague and I are debating the correct term to use on invitations to solicit replies for an art exhibition opening at a New York museum. My colleague insists R.s.v.p is proper.

I understand French, and therefore understand the reasoning behind this choice. However, I find it outdated and think people will view it as a typo since it's so rarely written this way. My colleague showed me a page from a book of yours on which you wrote, " 'R.s.v.p.' is correct." Do you still hold this opinion.

GENTLE READER-- It is not an opinion; it is correct, although "R.S.V.P." is commonly used.

But these days, when guests so often breeze past either and claim that they don't think an answer is expected, Miss Manners prefers the correct -- but clear English-- convention, "The favor of a reply is requested."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm glad to welcome a relative who is planning a visit to my home, but he asked me to do something that sounds really inappropriate. He says he has other friends and relatives who do it all the time.

He wishes me to plan what he calls a "House Party." Although he has a full-time job, he considers himself a musical artist and plays music at coffee shops and the like. Apparently, a "House Party" is a situation where I invite all my friends to my home to hear him play. I am supposed to provide some light refreshments and charge my friends a fee.

Although I'm glad he's found joy in music, his is not to my taste and my friends wouldn't appreciate it. Even more than that, how is it OK to charge my friends money to come hear this guy none of them have ever heard of?

I suppose, perhaps, my discomfort at the idea is answer enough, but there are certainly customs of which I am unaware. Perhaps this is one of them? He's coming in three weeks and has been pressing me to know which evening I am planning this for. What do I say?

GENTLE READER: That if he wishes to rent a concert hall, you will inquire about what is available in your town.

Miss Manners does not doubt that it is now common for people to take advantage of their friends, although asking them to produce a recital and coerce their friends into paying for it is a new one on her.

Etiquette is certainly not a partner to such impositions, so you needn't feel rude in saying (perhaps less harshly than above) that you can undertake no such thing. If anything, etiquette's interest would be in avoiding victimizing your other friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you hear that noise? It is the sound of my mother rolling over in her grave at this "new" wedding custom of the newlyweds going into seclusion for a private dinner before joining the guests attending their wedding reception.

After driving seven hours to attend a wedding, my husband and I were shocked to find all of the guests locked out of the reception while the couple enjoyed their first meal with each other as husband and wife. Yes, wine was served to all of us standing outside and at the time we assumed we were being put on hold while pictures were being taken -- another pet peeve.

But then to discover that we had waited in line while they enjoyed a five-course meal! This week we are faced with another wedding where we have been told the couple will have a private dinner before joining the guests. Am I wrong to be horrified by this latest bridezilla tactic?

GENTLE READER-- Nothing surprises Miss Manners any longer when it comes to bridal couples ignoring the needs, comforts and even the society of their guests. And don't let her catch anyone saying "Well, it's their day, so they can do whatever they want."

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