DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to announce your engagement when your sister is standing in the receiving line at her husband's viewing? If not, what would have been the acceptable way to handle a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you (was it you?) were accepting condolences near your husband's coffin when your sister shrieked, "Guess what! I'm engaged!"

Or perhaps someone inquired about that unknown gentleman who seemed to be one of the immediate family, and your sister replied, "That is my fiance. What with my poor brother-in-law's illness, we haven't had a chance to tell people."

Something in between the two, Miss Manners is guessing. Deaths often bring together people who have not seen each other for a while and, just as many no longer dress for the occasion, those who should be mourners often fail to adjust their ordinary social manners for the occasion.

Typically, people will be calling out "Nice to see you!" to one another, chatting away to catch up, and indulging in small talk and even jokes.

This is bound to be upsetting to those who are truly mourning. Proper funereal posture is a sad, or at least composed, face with a low voice. Acquaintanceship should be acknowledged with a slight bow, and conversation should be limited to essentials, reminiscences of the deceased and concern for the survivors.

If your sister violated that during the viewing, you might have cautioned her by whispering, "Why don't you talk to people farther away?"

But that time is past. Funerals, like weddings, are known to ignite family feuds when the participants critique one another's behavior. Miss Manners begs you to let it drop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend loves sushi and has hosted several sushi parties at her home. Because of the cost, she has asked her guests to contribute money on each occasion.

These events are always "all you can eat," but each time she hosts a party, the cost goes up. The first time it was $10 a guest, but then the sushi was purchased at a more upscale restaurant, so it cost $20. At the last party, she had a professional chef come to her house and make the sushi, and the cost was $40.

At each party, I declined to take part in the sushi eating and simply ate whatever free snacks were available. As the parties progressed, there was less and less other food available, and at the last party there was one plate of chips and dip.

I have always been taught that it is rude to charge people for food at parties and that if you cannot afford a certain food, you should serve something cheaper. Some people have suggested I just not attend, but I did want to see my friends and celebrate her birthday. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your best friend is running a sushi restaurant. She may or may not be making money from this, but she most certainly is not giving parties.

As you realize, hospitality consists of sharing, not selling. Should you want to see your friends, and to celebrate this lady's birthday, Miss Manners recommends your demonstrating this to them as befits your means.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Thanksgiving, my husband and I have for a number of years gone to a family dinner at my sister's. There are other relatives in attendance, usually at least eight, sometimes more.

Because we're there for four or five hours and the event includes hors d'oeuvres, chatting, playing with children and other casual activities, I usually bring along my holiday cards to address. I accomplish this one card at a time, keeping the stack near me, not spread out.

I was floored yesterday when my sister told me she'd thought for years that my mindless task, during which I can talk, nibble and sip, was rude. I thanked her for telling me but said I planned to continue and adjourned to the basement to do so, returning to help with the meal.

Afterwards, I gave a lot of thought to this matter. I don't view my task as any more disruptive to proceedings than knitting or doing needlework. It certainly takes as little attention. Then I compared it to paging through a newspaper or magazine or even watching TV (always indulged in for football games on Thanksgiving), although that tends to be a group activity.

Can you advise? Before I broach the subject again with my sister to explain my point of view, I'd like to know if there are guidelines in this type of group setting.

GENTLE READER: What about video games, texting, telephoning and all the other ways people now avoid the boredom of socializing with their relatives and friends?

Social multitasking has become a serious etiquette problem despite the benign origins that you mention. Needlework, including knitting, has indeed been long considered acceptable, even decorous. Although this dates from a time when ladies were presumed not to take part in serious conversation anyway, Miss Manners agrees that it is generally compatible with full participation.

Four years of watching college classmates turn out three-color sweaters while simultaneously mastering Greek and higher mathematics has convinced her of that. She has therefore grandmothered it in, so to speak.

Perhaps you would agree that all forms of communication with people who are not present do remove attention from those who are, which makes those electronic possibilities rude.

But you are pleading a middle ground. Miss Manners concedes that on long visits, typically including overnight stays but stretching it to include all-day holiday gatherings, the company may divide into sub-group activities, such as playing or watching a game together. Parents may need some time tending to small children. Someone may be in urgent need of a nap.

However, let us not forget that the idea is for people to get together. Despite the claims of students that they can do their homework while watching television, reading and writing require concentration. And even if you don't give it that, these activities look as if the full concentration is focused elsewhere.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees with your sister and hostess that bringing and performing an unrelated social task shows that you anticipate being bored. And you proved it when challenged by choosing that task over the company.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At one of the universities where I teach as an adjunct, I had some problems setting up a projector and my personal computer before class.

As I am new to this particular campus, a full-time professor happened by, and, noticing my problem, offered some obvious suggestions for getting the system up and running. However, along with his comments about "closing all these other programs" (the ones I needed for the presentation), he kept throwing in little jabs like, "With a slow computer like that..." and "With an old computer like that one...". I think he may even have described my computer as "crappy."

I found myself taking offense at his comments, which were certainly not helpful to my immediate situation. I was hurt, as I would have been if he had insulted my children or my home.

Am I being too sensitive? My computer is only 3 years old, and it is an important tool that I rely on to do my work every day.

I was tempted to say, "Well, I can't afford to spend one-fourth of my pay this semester to buy a faster computer. Do you want to buy one for me?" (Adjuncts are paid less-than-poverty wages to do almost half the work that full-time tenured professors do. Those professors are paid much more handsomely and get benefits like health insurance and state retirement.)

I think he should have said, "You know, there are faster computers that you can borrow from the media center every day for class." Am I correct? How should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: Correct? To equate criticizing your computer with insulting your children? Miss Manners is as sporadically fond of her computer as anyone else, but she would not fight a duel to defend its honor.

True, the professor could have been more helpful -- could even have minded his own business since he seemed to know less than you about how to set this up.

But you could have dismissed him with a simple "Thanks, I'll manage." The likelihood of his taking up the cause of pay increases for adjuncts was equal to that of his buying you a computer. But if you really couldn't contain yourself, you could have said cheerfully, "Well, it's what I can afford."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a man to send a wedding gift to a couple for not attending their wedding? Will a sorry suffice? Due to an uncertain schedule, I wasn't able to answer the RSVP properly. In fact, I was asked through e-mail if I would go or not. I said no, but the guilt still remains.

GENTLE READER: The reason for sending a wedding present is the same as the reason for attending a wedding (or feeling deep, genuine regret about not being able to attend): that you care about the couple and want to show this symbolically.

Miss Manners is guessing that this is not the case here. Sending one anyway may indeed sweeten the effect of your rudeness in not answering the invitation, but it should not assuage the guilt you quite properly feel.

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