DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question regarding the following scenario:

Person A: Do you know where Main and 129th is?

Person B: Yes, I know where that is.

Person A: We're having a class alumni meeting at 7 p.m. tonight at Strawberry Hill Church.

Person B: OK.

Later on, Person B realizes that they can't make the meeting. Person B decides to send Person A an e-mail. In the e-mail, Person B tells Person A that they can't make the alumni meeting and would Person A let them know what went on at the meeting and when the next meeting will be.

Person A never responds. Other people have heard from and spoken with Person A, but Person B has never heard from Person A again. Person B begins to feel that maybe sending Person A an e-mail wasn't the right thing to do.

GENTLE READER: Or maybe being such a smart aleck about receiving information was an annoying thing to do.

Miss Manners' guess is that Person A is understandably weary of Person B's lame humor of pretending not to understand the obvious meaning beneath literal questions and statements and has resolved not to be subjected to more of the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a freshman in college, and it frankly hasn't been the best experience of my life so far.

So far, I haven't made any new friends or done much at all outside of classes (I'm trying!). It's a little upsetting for me to think and talk about, but I suppose I cannot expect people to know that beforehand.

What should I say to non-close acquaintances such as my parents' friends when they ask how college is going? It would be painful to tell the truth and have them ask questions, but I don't want to talk about imaginary friends either.

GENTLE READER: The purpose of such questions is not to probe into your social or emotional life. It is to start a conversation, or, more likely, to give the questioner an opportunity to say something about his or her own college experience.

Therefore Miss Manners recommends an all-purpose opener such as, "Well, it's not exactly a breeze, but it's interesting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding and dinner. The wedding had been planned for months, and I was not originally invited, nor did I expect to be. I do not know the bride or the groom, and know the bride's mother casually at best.

I was invited, along with other casual friends, because there had been a number of cancellations to the wedding, and the dinners were going to be wasted.

I agreed to go to fill a seat, so to speak. In this situation, should I take a wedding gift since I don't know the bride, groom, or most of their families? The happy couple own their own home and have lived together for years.

GENTLE READER: Why are you going to this wedding, since you hardly know the people involved? Supernumeraries are paid to fill out professional exhibitions, Miss Manners has heard, but weddings are supposed to be attended by those with some emotional tie to the families concerned.

You have already accepted, however, which requires you to behave like a wedding guest. Your present can be small, but you should send (not take) one.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: You could assist an entire profession if you would advise undergraduates on how to compose e-mail messages to their professors.

Like my colleagues, I've received peremptory messages from undergraduates, even entering freshmen, the tone of which might have been used by an aristocrat to a particularly lax and unpleasant waiter. After the remonstrances, there's often a transparent attempt at manipulation, as in "Have a great weekend!" or "Thanks in advance for your understanding."

I want to be available to my students, but I don't want to be addressed as if I were their employee. Can you give them some suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. Miss Manners regrets that Deportment is no longer graded. Here is what a polite student would write:

"Dear Professor Wise,

"I regret that because of a tragedy in my family, I must ask you for an extension on the paper that is due on Friday. My beloved grandmother has died, and my presence has been urgently requested in Aspen, not only to attend her funeral but to deal with matters concerning her estate. I expect to be able to return here within two weeks, and could certainly deliver the paper before Thanksgiving break or, so as not to burden you with it during the holiday, soon after.

"Let me say what a privilege it is to hear your lectures and how much I hate to have to miss even one of them. Please accept my apologies for this regrettable absence.

"Yours sincerely,

"Luke Loggle

"P.S. I don't want to impose on you with my family troubles, but you should know that this not the same grandmother who passed away at Stowe earlier in the semester. Owing to my parents' remarriages, I am blessed with several."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family was invited to a Halloween party with an invitation that mentioned a gift registry at a local store, recommending that everyone look at it for gift ideas. It looks like a wedding registry or something for a birthday, covering everything from household goods to entertainment wants.

I would understand bringing a gift to a birthday party, anniversary party or even a dinner party, but I have never heard of bringing a gift to a Halloween costume party. Is this rude to expect a gift, or is it polite to bring a gift for the host no matter what type of party it is?

GENTLE READER: You are on that slippery slope along with your greedy friends, Miss Manners is sorry to say. Like them, you see nothing wrong with asking to be given presents; your only quibble is whether this applies to Halloween parties.

No -- "hostess gifts" are not considered obligatory except for overnight stays, although many people now feel that handing over a bottle of wine exempts them from reciprocating a dinner invitation.

Even more widespread is the practice of ordering one's own presents. Since you have accepted this vulgar practice, you should not be surprised that it keeps spreading.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was going through the closets of my house, I happened across my grandfather's old homburg hat, which had remained undisturbed in its hatbox for many years following his death. As it fit remarkably well and suited me excellently, I took to wearing it out and on special occasions as both an affectation and tribute to the grandfather I never knew.

What is the etiquette associated with a young woman wearing a man's style of hat? Does she follow the rules for ladies (which state that the hat is part of a woman's 'ensemble' and therefore should not be removed even indoors) or gentlemen (which state that the hat comes off inside, in the presence of a funeral procession, when the National Anthem is being played and in innumerable other circumstances?)

What about tipping my hat? Historically, women have never tipped their hats, but men were required to in any number of cases. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to cast myself in the role of a man. There seems to be no solid precedent for how to behave while in the other gender's clothing.

GENTLE READER: You will be relieved to hear that wearing a gentleman's hat (note: a baseball cap does not qualify as such) alters neither your gender nor your ladylike manners.

However unfairly, this latitude is not permitted to gentlemen, Miss Manners must point out. A gentleman who is wearing a lady's hat is presumed to be either a transvestite, in which case he employs ladies' manners when so dressed, or drunk, in which case he writes a letter of apology to his hostess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my co-workers will often stand next to me while I am taking a phone call and wait for me to finish so that she can speak with me. Although business related, I feel very uncomfortable with her listening to my every word and staring at me whilst I finish my business call.

If I look at her to acknowledge that she is waiting, she tries to whisper her message to me while I am still trying to take the business call. Then I end up not fully hearing either message. She can see that I am occupied and I feel that she should send me an e-mail or come back. The question she is waiting to ask me is usually of very low importance.

How do I handle this tactfully? I have tried ignoring her behavior until the client is off the phone, but she still tries to get my attention.

GENTLE READER: Do you have a swivel chair?

The polite "Go away; I'm busy" signal is a regretful smile with an optional shrug of the shoulders to indicate that you will be occupied for a while, so there is no point in waiting.

But you have informed Miss Manners that your co-worker waits anyway, and doesn't just wait quietly, but acts as if you were free to talk to her.

Here is where the swivel chair comes in: After having indicated your helplessness in responding while you are on the telephone, you can swivel around so that your back is toward the entrance, presuming that your colleague has done the right thing and left.

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