DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you address mail to a same-sex married couple? I believe I should use the same formality that I do when addressing mail to an opposite sex couple, but I am not sure.

For example, if I know that one member of the couple has changed their last name to match their spouse and both are male, would I address it to Mr. and Mr. John Smith, using the first name of the one whose surname it was? The same question would apply to a female couple -- would I use Mrs. and Mrs. Jane Smith?

I have the same question when the surnames are different, would I use Mrs. Jane Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe? When I address mail to a couple that are of the opposite sex and I am aware that they are married and have different names, I still use the Mr. and Mrs. Husband's surname. Am I correct in doing so?

I also am assuming the marriage itself made the information of their relationship public and I would not be publicizing what could be construed as something that is not for all to know.

Should I worry that someone would notice how the mail is addressed and be concerned that I could be bringing about difficult times for the couple, since in our society there are folks who would persecute others when they disagree with those who have married a member of the same sex?

GENTLE READER: Thank you for not contributing to the general rude-ing down (the equivalent of dumbing down) of society by chucking honorifics altogether. When Miss Manners sees a letter baldly addressed "Martha Dribbleport," she always thinks it must be a summons.

Besides, updating old customs for new times happens to be her favorite part of this job. And there are formal forms other than Mr. and Mrs. from which to choose. In fact, that is the most awkward, although the most familiar, form since it does require choosing one given name, which unnamed halves are increasingly finding off-putting.

The plural of Mrs. is Mesdames and the plural of Mr. is Messrs. So a married female couple with the same surname would be Mesdames Jenna and Aurora Acorn, and a married male couple would be the Messrs. Jackson and Hal Thornton.

Then there is the two-line form, each name with its own title. This is used when an address is shared by unrelated people or by family members, such as siblings, but also to address married couples if the wife has a title such as Dr., Senator, Judge or Dame, or, you should note, if her surname is different from her husband's.

Miss Manners begs you not to concern yourself with the unlikely possibility that postal clerks have any interest in the marital arrangements of the public they serve. She reminds you that marriage is a matter of public record, and that to presume that others' marriages are better kept secret is insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This came up on my last vacation about getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom -- to flush or not to flush because of the noise and possibly waking the others?

GENTLE READER: Consider the alternative: Such a nice greeting for the first person up in the morning. Etiquette sometimes requires choosing the lesser evil.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After attending the first of many weddings we were invited to, we have been made aware of a new trend Or, maybe it is an old trend that we were just unaware of.

It seems that wedding "invitations" aren't necessarily an invitation to the actual event, but could be just an "announcement" of the event with the expectation that you won't actually attend but will send a gift.

It now seems (after the fact) that our first invite was exactly that. I took the invitation at face value -- as an invitation to attend -- and did so at great expense because we had to travel quite a distance.

After we arrived in town, I was informed by a third party of a trend of sending "Courtesy Invitations" to people you don't expect to attend, and therefore, no RSVP card is included. (RSVP cards are not always a practice, depending on the type of wedding, so I wasn't concerned that one wasn't included.) Needless to say, I was mortified, embarrassed, hurt and offended that such a practice would even be considered. I have already purchased the airplane tickets to attend the next wedding, 2,000 miles away, and now I am wondering if we are "really" invited.

If one is "announcing" the wedding, why not send announcement cards instead of actual invitations? The postage is the same, and the consequences are much less offensive.

In this day and age, a lot of brides are printing their own invitations on their home computers. It is a simple act to change a line or two from "Request the Honour of your Presence" to "would like to announce" and remove all confusion.

GENTLE READER: It's been a while -- oh, maybe a week -- since Miss Manners heard of a new atrocity against etiquette invented by those who are planning weddings. But the idea of sending noninvitations ("Here's what we sent to people we want to attend, but you're not one of them") qualifies.

She is hoping against hope, or rather against experience, that this is the work of a lone crazy -- the person who told you this -- or at most, of a pair of them. Every time she thinks that, it is only to be deluged with reports that such a practice has spread like the flu.

But surely your supposed hosts know you are coming because you replied to their (apparent) invitations. Please don't tell Miss Manners that you bought into the absurd notion that a host who doesn't supply guests with the materials needed to reply doesn't care to get replies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend invited me for her birthday dinner at her house, which, of course I attended, and naturally I had a gift for her.

A few days after the event, she came back to me asking me for payment for dinner, and apologizing that she did not mention this detail before hand.

I feel that this was in principle inappropriate, and I feel slighted. What do you think? How should I have reacted?

GENTLE READER: By apologizing that you did not realize it was a benefit, and commiserating with her plight. Should your friend deny being desperate, Miss Manners would forgive you for getting out your wallet and saying quietly, "Then how much do you charge for celebrating your birthday?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I live 1,000 miles apart and have been friends for 37 years. When the two of us are on the phone, is it OK to say I am going to the restroom and then proceed to go to the restroom? Again, Miss Manners, please take into consideration the longevity and closeness of the relationship.

GENTLE READER: The lady didn't care for it, did she? That is why you are appealing to Miss Manners. (If the lady had been the one who did it and with you objecting, you would not have bolstered the case by citing the length of the relationship.)

That objection should be sufficient reason for using the very simple alternative: "Sorry, but could I call you back in a few minutes?" This is the telephone equivalent of saying "Excuse me" without an explanation when you are with someone. Nobody doubts where you are going, so further explanation is unnecessary and unwelcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, my former college roommate and good friend committed suicide at the age of 25 after suffering from bipolar disorder for several years. I had stayed at her family's house on school breaks a few times and became somewhat friendly with her parents, but I don't know them intimately. They live in another state, and I haven't had any contact with them since their daughter's memorial service.

When her birthday comes around, I would like to send them something, maybe just a postcard, because I know it will be a difficult day for them. I wouldn't make any direct reference to either her birthday or her death, but I'd like them to know that I'm thinking of them.

Do you think this is a good idea, or would it just be one more painful reminder? And if this is acceptable, do you have any suggestions on how I should approach it?

GENTLE READER: The fear of "reminding" the bereaved of a loss, which many cite as a reason for their silence, is a bogus one. Life itself supplies constant reminders, as you acknowledge by understanding that your friend's birthday will be an especially difficult day.

But there is one pain you can help relieve: that of thinking that their daughter has been forgotten by everyone except themselves. Miss Manners urges you to follow your kind urge to write them -- a letter, not a post card -- and assures you that you need not avoid referring to the birthday when you say that you miss your friend and are thinking of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my 26-year-old daughter visits, she and her boyfriend take their bath or shower together. She knows I do not approve but insists on doing it regardless. I guess she thinks I am a prude. Could you please tell me how to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: And what, pray, is wrong with being thought a prude? Miss Manners herself has found such a reputation extremely useful in discouraging people from boring her with tales of their unappetizing thoughts and adventures.

It is especially useful for a parent in providing a standard with which the child may not agree but must respect. The properly prudish thing to say to your daughter is, "I can't control what you do elsewhere, but I won't have you doing that in my house."

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