DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I met my lovely wife over six years ago, she had an extremely ill-tempered cat. (It bit me on our first date.) My wife had recently adopted the cat from a shelter just as it was about to be put to sleep, and she was very protective of it.

Now, six years later, this cat absolutely LOVES my wife, but no one else in the world.

After six years of feeding her and trying to befriend her, she still hisses and growls at me daily. She will hide on top of furniture at eye level and then attempt to claw me in the eyes when I unsuspectingly walk past. She growls and tries to bite every houseguest we have over.

The worst part of it is that she completely refuses to use a litter box. She does her "business" all over the house (only in carpeted areas), and no amount of coddling or planting of litter-boxes will sway her.

She purposely lies in "choke points" in the house, where the only way to get past her is to step over her. If one is so bold as to attempt this risky maneuver, one risks a pawful of claws in the leg. She has ruined every piece of nice furniture that we have with her constant spraying and clawing.

The upshot of it is that I'm embarrassed to have anyone over because our house reeks of cat urine and shredded furniture. The other day, the cat scratched a child in the eye that had gotten too close to it when no one was looking.

Despite all of this, my wife will absolutely not give the cat away, even though it's making me miserable. She says that she made a promise to be responsible for the cat when she adopted it, and it's a promise that she will not break.

I'm at my wits end. I love her enough that I can't in good conscience tell her that it's me or the cat, and frankly, I would be saddened to have to witness her heartbreak over losing the animal that she loves so much. But we've tried nail caps, behavior modification, drugs (Prozac, believe it or not), even a "pet therapist" whose final diagnosis was, "There's nothing I can do. Either live with things the way they are or get rid of the cat.

Her parents have talked about it with her, her friends have talked to her, nothing makes a difference. She is utterly devoted to "honoring" her promise. Please help me. I can't stand another day in this house with things as they are.

GENTLE READER: Furthermore, you have pronoun trouble.

Miss Manners was quite alarmed at the thought of your wife hiding on top of the furniture and biting the houseguests until she guessed that your "her" might not refer to the last noun mentioned, but to the cat.

So things could be worse. Not much worse, but worse.

The strange thing is that you imagine that the application of etiquette might succeed where drugs and husbandly desperation failed. Etiquette's power, in addition to whatever moral support it can inspire, is that people are willing to try to get along with one another for the sake of a pleasant living environment. The inhabitants of your house do not appear to be among them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my husband for eight years, and we are going to be grandparents this month by his son and girlfriend. Due to divorce, this child is going to be blessed with more than the usual sets of grandparents.

The problem is my sister-in-law. I'm all for her doing a family tree, which she has done for my husband's older children, but what she wants my husband to do is fill out a questionnaire concerning his life; mainly his previous marriage from the time they met, proposal, wedding, honeymoon, house, relationship, etc.

We both feel this is way out of line, considering he has nothing to do with his ex and we feel that when the child is old enough and reads such info, he will ask who I am and why I'm not in this "book."

I would like any help in trying to remedy this. I feel if my sister-in-law was married, she might understand, but I also feel this is a slap in the face and she should find a more general way to document information and to have stuff in the past remain in the past except for the necessary information, especially due to the fact they divorced and he has remarried.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the family historians. Miss Manners hears a lot about the trouble they cause when focusing on the past renders them insensitive to the present.

Such people cannot be trusted with sentimental memoirs, past or present. It would be prudent of him to provide her with only facts that are on the public record -- dates of his two marriages and of the divorce from his first wife; the purchase and sale of houses -- and to explain that he looks forward to telling his grandson about his life himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am finishing my doctoral dissertation and struggling over one key element: the acknowledgements page. Similar dissertations from my university have waxed poetical over the contributions of each member of the doctoral committee.

The chairperson and one other member were absolutely instrumental in getting me through. One met with me weekly, and the other went to bat for me in a tricky issue of data collection. The third, however, insisted that I use an obscure analytical technique and demanded almost a complete rewrite after the others had pronounced it satisfactory. I acquiesced to her demands, but I feel dishonest praising her for her "help." How can I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Not, Miss Manners would think, by harboring grudges against a senior person in the field you are about to enter. For all you know, this professor may be left with warm feelings for you, as one often is after setting someone straight, and may be in a position to hire you some day.

Surely you are grateful to the entire doctoral committee for granting your degree. So suppose you write, "I wish to thank the members of the doctoral committee and all of my professors, especially..." and then name your two favorites.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 15 and have recently learned of my pregnancy. Is it proper for me to tell my relatives (such as aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) this news, even if I am planning to put my future child up for adoption? If so, what is the protocol for breaking this news?

GENTLE READER: Things have changed since the days when someone in your position would disappear for months into a shrouded "home for unwed mothers" and come back alone with a fictitious story. Your chances of being told that you have disgraced the family forever and that no decent man will ever marry you have diminished.

But the openness that is now feasible comes with its own problem. Families have always been free with advice, but many people now consider it a sacred calling to tell others how to run their lives.

You know your relatives and Miss Manners does not, but she is guessing that there is no small likelihood of your being urged to have an abortion, or to rear the child yourself, or to turn the child over to other family members.

Your best hope of avoiding such barrages (on top of those about food, weight, birthing and what can go wrong that every pregnancy seems to inspire) is to tell family members who can be trusted to respect your decisions, and authorize them to tell the others.

And now Miss Manners is bracing to receive barrages of her own. There will be those who demand to know why you should not be advised to make a proud and joyous announcement (thus exciting the interest of relatives about a child who will not enter their family). And, she is sorry to say, there will be others who denounce you in vulgar terms. She is hoping to spare you both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, at a function that my co-workers and families attended, I introduced my colleague and his wife to my children as Mr. and Mrs. Smith (not real name), wanting them to address adults by their last name.

His wife lunged in front of my colleague and said brusquely "No! My name is Jones! Remember that!" (not real name). I apologized and excused myself as quickly as possible.

Next year, at the same function, I told my children to say hello to Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones. This time she approached me and said "No! It's 'Ms.' Jones." Again I apologized and retreated.

Miss Manners, is not "Mrs." the proper title for a married woman? Is there an exception if the lady has kept her maiden name? Please advise, as I feel I may find myself avoiding the couple in question entirely this year in fear of committing a third offense.

GENTLE READER: That sounds like the best plan. Not because you might commit another offense, but it is prudent to avoid offensive people.

Mind you, Miss Manners has no objection to letting people know one's correct name, and she concurs that the inclusive title, Ms., is more fitting here than Mrs., which properly goes with the full married name.

Our system of names and titles is no longer standardized, and it is best to go with individuals' choices, if they are known.

But someone who is known to lunge at those who happen to guess wrong is looking for a fight.

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