DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once upon a time, when friends phoned, I considered the call a symbol of enduring appreciation of our friendship. There was a time when I recognized and appreciated the energy and thought necessary to suspend important actions on the to-do list to pick up the phone and just say hey.

Not so anymore. Not with the advent of the mobile phone.

Now I get calls from long-distance friends in enforced alone-time, the reduced-to-no-other-activity-time of driving from one errand to another.

I completely understand this happening occasionally, or even frequently -- but ALL the time? I struggle with these calls. It's just too easy these days to tick me off at no cost -- "Good, done!"

What is ultimately annoying about these calls is that I myself am not driving; I myself am in the middle of doing something important, I myself must stop the all-important to-do list activity to help efficiently and effectively fill the dead space of my no-cost call friend(s).

Isn't a good friendship about caring and costing?

Oh, and here's the icing -- just yesterday, a friend excused herself, put me down while she talked to a clerk, then picked me back up and rather smugly said, "Sorry, I find it rude to the clerk to talk on the phone while paying."

Huuuuh? Chopped liver, here I am!

"Errrrrr, ye-eees, so do I."

Instead of pleasure, I struggle with annoyance, even anger. I don't know how to bring it up: Would you please occasionally call me when it's inconvenient? Would you mind terribly adding me to your already cramped schedule of things you must do when you're not driving? Sorry, I'm in the middle of something -- just so it's even, let's coordinate a time when we're both driving. If you loved me, you'd call me when you're not rushing.

I have figured out my "in" from typing this e-mail. With the friend I talked with yesterday, I am going to say, "Do you remember when you put me down to talk with the clerk...." Still awkward, but at least it's an in.

GENTLE READER: Not the best one, however. That is the opening to a conversation criticizing your friends' manners, which would be awkward at best.

And you don't even have that strong a case.

Miss Manners is not denying that your friends' habit of chatting when they are idle -- but you are not -- is annoying. You are the one who is denying it.

Every time you pick up the telephone when you are too busy to talk constitutes a denial. Every time you pick it up but fail to say, "Sorry, I can't talk now, I'll call you later" constitutes a denial. And every time you stay on the telephone long enough for a friend to get to the front of the line in a store constitutes a denial.

Changing one of these habits should be infinitely easier than holding an "if you loved me" talk with a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about Sen. Barbara Boxer being addressed as "ma'am" rather than as "Senator" by a U.S. Brigadier General during a Senatorial hearing? Was this really a breach of protocol, or not?

GENTLE READER: Let us not go looking for insults -- or assume stupidity, which it would be for anyone to insult a senator at a senatorial hearing.

Miss Manners assures you that "ma'am" is, like its masculine equivalent, "sir," a highly respectful form suitable for addressing any female, including a president, a monarch and your own mother.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just got engaged, purposely have not told coworkers and don't wear my (gorgeous) engagement ring to work. Why? I do not want NOSEY coworkers getting into my personal business. I work with a group of jealous, immature, bitter women who revel in gossiping about and tearing other people down because their lives are so miserable (failed marriages, unhappy households, financial troubles, problems with children, professional jealousy, etc.) and as such, do not share in your happiness.

Secondly, as I plan the wedding, I do not want my every move to be scrutinized and don't want INTENTIONAL interferences inflicted upon me by my malicious, narcissistic, envious, spiteful, childish boss (who sadistically delights in causing misery to others and has made attempts before to interfere with my personal plans out of pure jealousy).

In a nutshell, she is boss from Hell! There are some good things about her, but the bad far outweighs the good.

And finally, I do not plan to invite the boss (the thought of her being of part of my day makes me violently ill) but will invite only two people who I am close to from my immediate office (and are confidants of the boss).

I won't reveal my wedding until maybe two to three months before the actual wedding date to avoid as much as possible the foreseeable drama that will follow (nosiness, fake friendliness from some seeking an invite, cold-shoulder from those that won't be).

How do I handle nosey coworkers without going ballistic or telling them "to stay out of my business!!!!!!"? And am I committing suicide by not inviting my boss?

GENTLE READER: Being astute at picking up subtexts, Miss Manners senses that you do not find the ladies at your work place to be congenial. Just a guess.

Well, you are otherwise in luck, because you need not confide your wedding plans nor invite them to the wedding. Even if you had warmed up to them as far as indifference, you would be justified in omitting them. A wedding belongs in one's private, not professional life, and should be discussed and enjoyed with your friends (even if also they happen to work alongside you) and relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an issue with my daughter's boyfriend, age 30, not saying hello when he enters my home. The other day he just walked in and stood there until someone (not me) greeted him.

He also has the habit of NOT saying goodbye when he leaves. I've asked him more than once to please say goodbye when he leaves (I have not mentioned about saying hello), so I know he is going or is gone. He occasionally says goodbye now but never hello.

GENTLE READER: You are not allowed to bring up your daughter's beau, which is just as well, since you do not seem to be making a success of it.

However, you are allowed to egg her on to do so. Miss Manners wishes you luck.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Facebook is out of control. There are way too many people in this world trying to be your friend when you don't necessarily want them to be.

What is the appropriate way to let someone know that you don't want to be their friend on Facebook?

It's easy if you don't even know the person and they are trying to link up with you because of a mutual friend. I just ignore them. But when it is someone you do know and perhaps know very well but haven't seen or spoken to in, let's say, 20 years, what is the proper tact with that one?

GENTLE READER: Send your long-lost friend a postcard -- an actual post card, with a stamp and a handwritten message, saying it was nice to hear from him. On Facebook, nothing. Oh, and no return address on the card.

Miss Manners trusts that this will be profoundly confusing to the recipient. You have not snubbed him, but you seem to have taken his offer of friendship literally, when he only wanted to rack up numbers, make you peek at his life and perhaps peek at yours.

Why (he will wonder) have you answered in such an archaic way, instead of just clicking? Surely you do not expect him to make a similar effort?

You may leave him with that mystery and make no further effort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The food court in my office building is often visited by teenagers at the nearby high school during lunch. Generally, the behavior of this particular demographic is deplorable. They are often loud and obnoxious, butting in line, crowding entrance ways, etc.

Last week, I witnessed two students blatantly stealing soda from the fountain using small condiment cups provided by the vendor. Unfortunately, the proprietor did not notice, as they were busy responding to the lunch rush.

At first I stood in their way to deter them from their inappropriate actions, but when they continued with their actions, and were laughing and joking about getting away with it, I turned to them and said, "You should pay for what you have taken. Shall I inform the owner?"

They were shocked at being held accountable for their actions, said no and abruptly went and sat down with their friends.

I know that you consider it rude to intercede when others are acting inappropriately, but if children are not learning manners from their parents, shouldn't they be confronted with the consequences of their actions?

GENTLE READER: Stealing, even such petty stealing as this, is a violation of morals rather than manners, and Miss Manners never told you that you couldn't attempt to halt a crime.

However, there are risks in making a citizen's arrest, as it were. Miss Manners attributes your success in issuing a warning that made the wrongdoers slink away to -- she presumes -- a gentle tone. Anything harsher could easily have brought on a conspicuously rude retaliation.

But you did let them get away with what they already had. If you want to do your duty to uphold the law, you should alert the owner or manager of the food court and let him handle it.

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