DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been to occasions that do not have my favorite nonalcoholic drink .................. DIET DECAF COLA ..................!!!!!!

I suggest you tell the host to let everyone know with/in the invitations what nonalcoholic drinks will be available. The host should suggest if anyone has a particular type nonalcoholic beverage not offered to please feel free to bring their own!!!!!!!!!!!! After finding out the HARD WAY, I started taking my own nonalcoholic drinks years ago ......... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GENTLE READER: How did you get so hepped up without alcohol or caffeine?

Miss Manners is worried about you. Please take a deep breath and sit down while she explains the concept of hospitality.

There is a difference between a restaurant, which sells you food that you specifically order, and a private party, where the host offers you refreshments that he provides.

The restaurant knows exactly what you want because you do the ordering. Hosts, in contrast, are friends who wish to see you for the sake of your company. They should also want to please you by offering refreshment but must guess what would be pleasing to various guests.

Providing nonalcoholic drinks is thus standard. Providing each guest with the exact brand and mixture he or she prefers is difficult and burdensome, part of the finicky-guest syndrome that has discouraged reasonable people from entertaining.

Neither restaurants nor people's homes should be treated like picnic grounds where you bring your own goodies. If you don't like what is available at a restaurant, you need not do business there. If you are not willing, for the sake of politeness and sociability, to content yourself with water but must always have your favorite drink, you need not attend parties where it is not served.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the youngest of two children in my family, and I always get the short end of the stick. Whenever our family has an overnight gathering, I am the one who has to sleep on the blowup mattress while everyone else gets a bed.

I have invited my family to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday at a beach house owned by my boyfriend's family. At this event will be my sister, her husband and her son, my parents, my grandparents and my aunt and uncle.

Is it inconsiderate of me to want one of the best rooms in the house, or should I get the shaft again and sleep in the "kid's room"? I feel like it's my turn to have the good room, but I would like your advice.

GENTLE READER: Whom did you have in mind for the kid's room? Your grandparents? The guest of honor?

Although Miss Manners is not lacking in pity for your plight, she is afraid that it is another trip back to the blowup mattress. If it is any comfort, this time it is not because you are younger than your sister, but because you are in some sense the hostess, having done the inviting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it appropriate for men to wear white tuxedos? My family is planning this anniversary gala. They are planning on having some of the young men escort guests to their tables.

So far so good, but they want the men to wear white tuxedos because it is August. I told them that since the affair was being held after 5 p.m. and it is being set up as a formal (semi-black-tie) event, that the white was not right to wear. I also said that the men would look like they were ready to pass out ice cream. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Not about the hope of double scoops of chocolate whirl this will engender, if Miss Manners may judge by her own reaction. That white dinner jackets look silly, she agrees.

But they are not incorrect as summer evening clothes, so your objections about the hours and the degree of formality are incorrect. They do qualify as black tie. (Miss Manners has no idea what semi-black tie might be, but it sounds disheveled.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old. All of my close friends have children within the same range, and we enjoy play dates together and even the occasional Saturday nights together with our whole families. The wives and husbands in our group are long-time friends who went to high school and college together.

One of our friends, the newest and by far least mature addition, continues to bring her sick child around when we are all well. As a rule and out of courtesy, the rest of us "quarantine" ourselves when we are sick, whether this means missing a standing play date or something even more special.

I understand that she really likes to be involved in every get-together, but this is so unfair to the rest of us. To make matters worse, she frequently asks me to watch her child when her regular day care can't. She has actually dropped him off, only for me to discover that he is sick (green snot and all). When I asked her if she knew he had a runny nose, she acknowledged and disregarded it.

On the most recent occasion, I made up an appointment to avoid watching her son when, yet again, I found out he was sick.

As she has frequently been one to comment that her family doesn't worry about getting sick, I don't know how to tell her that the rest of us do! We're a one-income household and can't afford for my husband to be sick.

I know that she will react badly to any mention of the issue, and I don't know how to proceed. Should I continue to suffer in silence?

GENTLE READER: That depends on how much you are willing to suffer. And to expose your husband and child to suffering.

However, Miss Manners cautions you not to plead that or trump up excuses. There is nothing wrong with your saying pleasantly, "I'm sorry, but I can't take your child when he is sick" or, if you feel safer invoking the group, "We've all been seeing one another for a long time, and the rule is that sick children must stay home."

If she reacts badly, so be it. Surely you can put up with that more easily than with the way your family would feel if they caught the illness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Customarily, my wife and I send out several thousand dollars of charitable checks. This year, I am probably out of a job. Out of work, with no income.

There are only about three organizations to which I feel truly obligated and indebted, and I will send them a token amount (20 percent of previous years) and a note of explanation, and a pledge to send more, if and when I can.

What am I supposed to do with the other 97 charities to which I have been giving for many years?

If I waste 44 cents each to tell them I have no money to give, they will ignore that note and keep on begging and bleating that they deserve my charitable dollars. They will each spend many times 44 cents to try to shame me into giving money I don't have.

If I ignore their entreaties, they will keep on sending more letters begging and bleating. I mean, I know these guys well. They are not bashful about sending more begging, bleating letters even after I have sent them a contribution. If I send them X $ of contribution, they beg me to send more $ to renew my "Membership." If I pay my Membership, they beg piteously for an extra contribution. I know these guys.

What should I do? I don't want to insult them -- even though they are happy to insult ME by implying I am a cheapskate for not sending them my last dollar. What's the price of a postcard? Is that OK?

GENTLE READER: It has always puzzled Miss Manners to find how often those who work on behalf of other people in general feel free to annoy the particular people with whom they come into contact. The Mrs. Jellyby syndrome, so cleverly delineated by that nice Mr. Dickens.

Yet doing so is, as you have experienced, common fundraising practice. As you point out, the grating pleas will continue no matter what you do. So it seems futile to offer an explanation unless you can get the attention of someone in a position to stop using charity money to be rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the sicknesses, swine flu, etc., going around, when my pastor asks us, at the beginning of church, to introduce ourselves to everyone sitting around us, everybody wants to shake your hand.

Since I'm on a lot of medicines that make me susceptible to many sicknesses, this makes me very concerned. How can I politely refuse to shake one's hand without offending them?

The only thing I could come up with is saying that I am sorry but I think that I am coming down with a cold. Needless to say, this is telling a lie, and saying this every week kind of defeats the purpose of going to church.

GENTLE READER: Not only that, but people would begin to wonder whether you never got over your cold because you were too dumb to come in from the rain.

People devote so much time and anguish providing excuses, true or false, when excuses are rarely necessary. What you need is an apology -- in this case, "I'm so sorry, I can't shake hands."

Or you could take the matter up with your preacher, asking him to substitute a less tactile gesture. Or just wear gloves.

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