DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is remarrying this summer, and he and his fiancee are inviting only their immediate families to the wedding and reception.

I would like to host a bridal shower to introduce his fiancee to our large extended family. My difficulty comes from wanting to avoid offending anyone.

While this is my brother's second marriage, it is his fiancee's first, so I'm not sure whether a shower is appropriate or not. The people I plan to invite will not be invited to the wedding or reception. Also, I want to avoid any implication that guests to the function should bring a gift. I would just like to have a friendly "get to know the family" party for my brother's fiancee.

How should I handle this without huge offense to the guests or my future sister-in-law?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is reminded of the time, just a few centuries ago, when that nice artist known as Veronese got into trouble with the Inquisition for putting supposedly irreverent figures in his painting, "The Last Supper." He was ordered to change it.

And so he did. Not the painting, but the title. He left the picture as it was and changed the title to "Feast in the House of Levi."

If you are still with us, you are wondering what on earth this has to do with your party for your brother's future wife.

Well, a shower is a party given by friends, not relatives; the guests are also invited to the wedding; and they bring presents. Three reasons that your party would be offensive.

Unless you stop calling it a shower. There is no reason that you cannot give a party to introduce your future sister-in-law to family and friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are having a baby in about eight months. A relative has requested that, although we will find out the sex of the baby at about six months, that we keep the sex and name secret from her until the birth.

She has no objection to hearing all about the pregnancy and our plans -- she's very interested. But she wants us to keep back those two pieces of information until she wants to have them.

I do not think this is a reasonable request. I tried to respond politely that I would try but I didn't think I would be able to. Does a person have a right to ask an expecting mother to self-censor selectively?

GENTLE READER: You don't think it's cute that your relative wants to be surprised? Think what a huge hit she will be at playing peek-a-boo with your baby.

In any case, Miss Manners does not consider this a First Amendment issue requiring a protest against censorship. Your having announced the pregnancy shortly after it occurred suggests that you are not good at discretion. But please try to maintain the suspense with this relative, and be prepared to deliver an apologetic "Oops" if you slip.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm sorry to say I have behaved badly. Roughly 18 months ago, an acquaintance lost two of his children in a terrible house fire, and I did not send a condolence note. (I was coping with depression because of a profound life change at the time, but that's not an excuse -- I am ashamed of not having written to him.) Sooner or later I'll run into him, and I'd like to say, "I'm so sorry about your children, and I'm sorry that I was not in touch at the time; you have been in my thoughts and my prayers."

All of that is true, but is it appropriate? If not, what should I say? Also, I assume that writing to him now would be inappropriate, but is that true? Should I write to him now, apologizing for (but not providing information about/an excuse for) not having written sooner?

GENTLE READER: Granted that it would have been good to write immediately, why would you think it would be inappropriate now to offer your sympathy?

Miss Manners hopes you are not among those who blithely prattle about others "achieving closure," and who are under the assumption that one forgets such tragedy in time.

The simple statement you suggest would be better written than spoken. It is more convincing that you were thinking of this gentleman if you do not seem to require his presence to jog your memory.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your input regarding the response to the RSVP -- from my sister who is my child's godparent -- to for graduation from eighth grade at the Catholic school she's been attending for the last nine years.

The response was "We'll have to wait and let you know that day how we're feeling, if we can come or not" and then she listed their family responsibilities.

How is one to take that sort of RSVP? How is one to prepare for reservations and a reception?

Most importantly, what does one tell the graduate -- "I don't know, honey, if your cousins and godparents are coming. We'll have to wait and see. I know you've worked hard for this graduation but apparently their life is too busy to squeeze us in or to make sure they will be there."

What has become of this world that adults and special relatives can't make a child's special day of graduation an important priority? You would have thought I had invited them to a non-important event in this child's life.

GENTLE READER: For a less important event, that reply still would have been rude. Every invitation, however casual, requires a definitive and rapid response.

However, even rudeness does not justify a rude reply. What you should say to your sister is, "I have to plan ahead, so I'll take this as a 'no.' Angelica will miss you."

Miss Manners trusts that she does not have to tell you not to add bitterness to Angelica's disappointment in order to punish your sister. If you are asked why the godparents will not attend, you should refer her to them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that once the napkin is unfolded after one sits down at a table, it is not refolded. It is folded loosely and replaced back on the table when the meal is over and one is leaving the table. I have looked up various sources, and all agree on not refolding the napkin the way it originally was.

However, in two different restaurants, the waitstaff has come to the table while I had excused myself, refolded the napkin, and placed it back on the table. Upon returning to the table, my friends reported what had happened and said that maybe I should have refolded the napkin before leaving the table. When I disagreed, feeling uncomfortable, they said that is what waitstaff does in expensive restaurants.

I felt (and feel) like I was not there to get a lesson in etiquette and that the napkin is never refolded after one starts to use it. (By refolding I mean corner to corner, over and over, like a man's handkerchief would be folded.) So now my brother is betting me he is right and that the waiter is supposed to come over and fold a customer's napkin while they are away from the table.

GENTLE READER: Two bad sources for etiquette instruction: pretentious restaurants and friends who don't mind embarrassing you in public.

Miss Manners assures you that you and your sources, who do not dine with you, are correct. That silly trends pass through expensive restaurants (remember when waiters were shaking out clean napkins at the beginning of the meal and placing them on the clients' laps as if they were children?) does not make such practices correct. This one is as bad as blowing one's nose into a handkerchief, and then re-folding and placing it in the breast pocket -- both being actions that etiquette classifies under Eeeeew.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a wedding with a 1920s theme, where the guests were encouraged to dress in period costume if they felt so moved.

We did, to amuse the bride and groom, and my costume included a somewhat ridiculous hat correct to the period. Many of the gentlemen who arrived in the suggested costume wore hats, to better convey the theme, and we all by unspoken accord wore them the entire evening (perhaps, subconsciously, in imitation of the groom, who did the same).

Later, it developed that the bride's grandmothers and aunts had been much dismayed by all the gentlemen wearing our hats indoors. Obviously, there's nothing to be done about that now (or perhaps nothing to be done by me) but for the future what's correct?

Do costume party (which this sort of was) rules or wedding rules apply here? Do we follow the groom's lead? I am not normally a great wearer of hats, so I'm unsure.

GENTLE READER: Gentlemen who lived during the '20s were normally great wearers of hats, so they were sure about what to do. If you really want to be in character, you would therefore remove the hat indoors.

What Miss Manners fails to understand here is why the grandmothers and aunts were not busy being dismayed at the notion of a costume-party wedding, where the guests felt obliged to keep the bride and bridegroom amused.

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