DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that once the napkin is unfolded after one sits down at a table, it is not refolded. It is folded loosely and replaced back on the table when the meal is over and one is leaving the table. I have looked up various sources, and all agree on not refolding the napkin the way it originally was.

However, in two different restaurants, the waitstaff has come to the table while I had excused myself, refolded the napkin, and placed it back on the table. Upon returning to the table, my friends reported what had happened and said that maybe I should have refolded the napkin before leaving the table. When I disagreed, feeling uncomfortable, they said that is what waitstaff does in expensive restaurants.

I felt (and feel) like I was not there to get a lesson in etiquette and that the napkin is never refolded after one starts to use it. (By refolding I mean corner to corner, over and over, like a man's handkerchief would be folded.) So now my brother is betting me he is right and that the waiter is supposed to come over and fold a customer's napkin while they are away from the table.

GENTLE READER: Two bad sources for etiquette instruction: pretentious restaurants and friends who don't mind embarrassing you in public.

Miss Manners assures you that you and your sources, who do not dine with you, are correct. That silly trends pass through expensive restaurants (remember when waiters were shaking out clean napkins at the beginning of the meal and placing them on the clients' laps as if they were children?) does not make such practices correct. This one is as bad as blowing one's nose into a handkerchief, and then re-folding and placing it in the breast pocket -- both being actions that etiquette classifies under Eeeeew.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a wedding with a 1920s theme, where the guests were encouraged to dress in period costume if they felt so moved.

We did, to amuse the bride and groom, and my costume included a somewhat ridiculous hat correct to the period. Many of the gentlemen who arrived in the suggested costume wore hats, to better convey the theme, and we all by unspoken accord wore them the entire evening (perhaps, subconsciously, in imitation of the groom, who did the same).

Later, it developed that the bride's grandmothers and aunts had been much dismayed by all the gentlemen wearing our hats indoors. Obviously, there's nothing to be done about that now (or perhaps nothing to be done by me) but for the future what's correct?

Do costume party (which this sort of was) rules or wedding rules apply here? Do we follow the groom's lead? I am not normally a great wearer of hats, so I'm unsure.

GENTLE READER: Gentlemen who lived during the '20s were normally great wearers of hats, so they were sure about what to do. If you really want to be in character, you would therefore remove the hat indoors.

What Miss Manners fails to understand here is why the grandmothers and aunts were not busy being dismayed at the notion of a costume-party wedding, where the guests felt obliged to keep the bride and bridegroom amused.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the second trimester of my second pregnancy, and the summer heat is affecting me terribly.

I have several old-fashioned folding ladies' fans, one of the standard balsa-wood type and one beautiful antique ivory that belonged to my great-grandmother. It seems to me that these would be great to keep around for a handy breeze whenever required, staving off dizzy spells and other unfortunate side effects of pregnancy.

Are there situations when they are not appropriate? They are not used much anymore, and though I have inherited a few I was not taught any rules for when they are and are not correctly used. I am assuming they are correctly used at evening occasions, but what about church services, weddings or even a trip to the grocery store?

GENTLE READER: There are unbelievably complicated rules about the use of fans, but these are not restrictions on the mere use of a fan. Before the blessing of air conditioning, fans were aflutter everywhere.

As Miss Manners recalls from, oh, about a 150 years ago, holding the fan to the heart signified "I love you" and drawing it through the hand signified "I hate you." Snapping it open and shut signified "Stop being so mean," and opening it to obscure half the face signified "Oops, my husband is watching."

Or something like that.

Perhaps fortunately, this has become a forgotten language. You are welcome to use your fans anywhere to signify "I'm pregnant and the heat is getting to me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy participating on a local recreational sports team, both for exercise and for social reasons. But I am not what you might call a highly competitive person.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated, though, with one of the members of my team. She frequently remarks about how poorly she is doing, and whenever she makes a mistake, she says something to the effect of, "I bet you all really hate being on a team with me, don't you?"

She is always smiling and laughing as she makes these remarks, so I understand that she probably believes that she is being self-deprecating, but the attitude is disheartening.

Also, when she does something well, she tends to make a scene (jumping up and down, laughing delightedly, congratulating herself, etc.). This is rather embarrassing, and several members of other teams have complained to us when she is out of earshot. I am a firm believer in "It's only a game," but my teammate is beginning to hamper my enjoyment of the game.

GENTLE READER: Issuing apologies and displaying modesty are approved and sometimes mandated by etiquette -- right up until the point where everyone is sick of hearing them. That's when the targets must protest.

Of course, a protest is what your teammate is trying to provoke. But Miss Manners suspects that a simple, "Don't worry, you're doing great" would only encourage her to keep repeating the exchange. You -- or even better, the team captain -- should reply, "Your playing is all right, but you should work on getting used to the fact that everyone has better days and worse days.

We don't crow when it goes well, and we don't apologize when it doesn't."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: You probably won't even consider this letter, but I don't mind. I started this school year with great optimism, hoping to avoid any drama, and it seems to have backfired on me.

I love science. The year before I made sure that those were the only kinds of classes that I was going to get and I did get my classes only to end up falling for the teacher teaching one of my classes, Biology 2.

He's six years older than me, and he seems to be the ideal man for any girl. I fall in deeper as the days go by but I understand that there can be nothing between us, that it is impossible because he and I have our separate lives and goals, we are going in opposite directions. I know that what I feel is fake, I know that it's a crush, but I doubt it because crushes don't last a whole year and when I am with him I'm really happy.

Is it really OK for me to feel this way about my teacher? I would like to have your opinion.

GENTLE READER: Nevertheless, you are correct that this letter is one that Miss Manners should not consider. From the etiquette point of view, how you feel is your business as long as you behave yourself.

But heck, lovelorn advisers often presume to dispense etiquette advice. No doubt Miss Manners' advice to the lovelorn will be of the same quality.

You cannot, of course, embarrass your teacher -- and probably endanger his job -- by flirting with him. But as you love science, it would seem reasonable of you to become a biologist. If you work really hard at it and win the Nobel Prize and return to campus to tell this teacher that you owe it all to him, Miss Manners promises that he will find you irresistible. Presuming that by that time, he has not acquired a wife and six children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I frequently eat at restaurants. It is common for waiters -- or even the manager -- to ask during or after the meal whether we like the food. Sometimes, when the food is not good, I say so. What usually follows is an overblown show of concern that I find disingenuous and unproductive. Eager to avoid this sort of scene, I often lie and say "everything is fine," even when it isn't.

This works well, but my wife and I are expecting our first daughter soon, and I don't like the idea of casually lying in front of her once she is old enough to understand.

What is a polite, truthful way of answering the question "How do you like the food?" without instigating an overblown response?

GENTLE READER: "It is satisfactory, thank you."

Presumably this is truthful, because you are eating the food, and if it were unsatisfactory, you should have sent it back. Such a tepid comment will expose the question for what it is -- brazen fishing for compliments.

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