DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an atheist, and this is occasionally the source of mild social awkwardness. Normally, of course, I do not broadcast my beliefs without solicitation, but occasionally I am asked where I go to church or invited to attend a service at another's church.

I work with a number of civic organizations, including places of worship, so this sort of question or request is usually well-intentioned chitchat from someone with whom I am working on a project.

Somehow, the simple and direct, "I choose not to worship a deity," seems as inappropriate for casual conversation as questions about one's religious beliefs. I would greatly appreciate a simple and direct way to decline such an invitation and nip such questioning in the bud. Occasionally, the question comes as a part of direct proselytizing, which I hope requires no more politeness than a sales solicitation.

The second area is how to respond when passing comments are made that imply a belief in a god, as if one were discussing the weather, such as "He's in a better place now," "The Lord works in mysterious ways," or, "I know Jesus will take care of this for me."

I know the speaker is expecting a smile and a nod, but if I consider these beliefs untrue, offensive, or ridiculous, how can I respond in a simple way that does not sound strident, open me up to being evangelized or invite the beginning of a theological debate?

Another area of consternation is in expressions of sympathy. Can you recommend a standard replacement of, "He/She is in my prayers," for people who do not pray?

GENTLE READER: Please keep in mind that the idea here would not be to declare your own convictions, a habit you find objectionable in others, but to deflect the topic without seeming to acquiesce.

Miss Manners suggests separating the proselytizers from those who may be merely repeating figures of speech. Not everyone who says "Bless you" when you sneeze or even "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is voicing a theological conviction.

In any case, the comments of the second group should be treated as if they were good wishes. Similarly, the inquiry about where you go to church should be treated as a casual social question.

"I choose not to worship a deity" is indeed pompous, and also challenging. You need only say casually, "I'm not a church-goer." Only if this leads to argument need you say -- because you must also be polite to proselytizers -- "It's not something I discuss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to deliver one's wedding invitations to family friends in person? The delivery would take place privately, so as not to offend people who are not on the guest list.

GENTLE READER: Time was when sending an invitation by post was off-putting. But that was when private footmen were employed to deliver them. And in circles who could afford to employ them.

At any rate, hand delivery should be considered flattering, rather than offensive, provided you are not talking about wholesale distribution of them at the office. Whether your friends will understand this, Miss Manners cannot say.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I seem to remember, from way back, that eating by candlelight was restricted to evening dining and not "proper" during daylight hours.

Is this the current practice? With daylight saving time, it is not truly dark until well after 8 p.m., so even dinnertime could be affected.

There are so many lovely candleholders and countless shades of candles to complement a centerpiece, I would hope that luncheon (and early dinner hour) candlelight is now acceptable.

GENTLE READER-- You weren't around when these rules were formed, were you?

Before gaslight and electricity (my, what will they think of next?), candles were the source of light during darkness, and, incidentally, a major household expense. Hence, lighting candles during daylight was classified as showing off.

But you asked about current practice, nowadays, when even Miss Manners uses electricity. (She finds it a great improvement when conducting her daily search for her glasses).

Alas, the rule is still on the books. The only update was made to ban the showing off the candlesticks, instead of the candles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I had always planned to take another 10-day cruise to Bermuda on our 10th anniversary. Due to the negative economic conditions around us, as well as our near-future financial stability, we will not be able to do this.

I thought of another idea but have conflicting feedback from others. I was told that it is inappropriate to host your own anniversary party and that "your" children usually do this. Well, we have no children, nor can we.

My thought was that the majority of our age group has not stayed married to the same person for more than 10 years. This makes this event even more important to me and thought it was a great idea to throw a party inviting our friends and family to our home for an afternoon of fun to celebrate a milestone that is so important to us.

Everyone has been so stressed and this is a way to bring happiness to us, as well as people close to us. I was going to ask family to bring a prepared dish and we would supply the rest. I want to have toasts for those who have passed milestones such as 10, 15, 20 years of marriage.

GENTLE READER-- Congratulations. Sure, throw a party, although if you are truly hosting, you don't ask guests to bring food. You might also consider not asking people who tell you that you cannot celebrate unless you have children and, furthermore, children under 10 who know how to throw parties.

Reciprocal toasting of your friends is a gracious idea. Maybe. What worries Miss Manners is that you seem to characterize marriage as a sport and want to laud the champions. Is there no one among your prospective guests who had a bad marriage, or no marriage? Should they just stand around while you call out the winning statistics?

If there is a couple with an anniversary date close to yours, or someone with a birthday around then, you could single such people out with a toast. Otherwise, it would be more graceful to offer a blanket toast to all your guests, saying how lucky you are to have good friends, wishing them happiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 22-year-old college student (although I guess not for long). I've always made an effort to respect my elders, but what am I supposed to do when confronted by an elder who doesn't respect me?

When I had to do a quick errand, I was in a rush and was deep in my head thinking about all the things I had to do that day. While leaving the post office, a little old lady exited before me. I slipped out the first set of doors behind her. Somehow, although now thinking about it, it was probably by her own manipulation, I made it to the second set of doors before she did, and purposefully opened the door to let her pass before me.

She turned to me and said "Thank you." I smiled with a "You're welcome." Then she said "You see, that's what people do when people hold open doors for them, they say THANK YOU."

"I'm sorry?" I replied. She then proceeded to tell me that she had held open the door for me and that I was inconsiderate and rude.

My instinctual response was to deck her, but considering her age, I refrained and simply replied, "Really now, I honestly did not see you hold that door for me; from my understanding, I simply slipped out the door behind you. Please have a pleasant day."

I walked away seething, feeling scolded like a disrespectful little girl. I'm not a little girl anymore and I certainly don't look anything like a rambunctious teenager. I feel that I'm a relatively considerate person who would never purposefully be rude to someone, especially a stranger.

My friends say I should have simply apologized and went on my way; they try to remind me that sometimes older people, like all people, are just cranky. But I still feel like her rude remark on my supposed rudeness was out of line and, given another chance, I'd probably call her rude right back to her face.

GENTLE READER: Then you got mighty old and cranky in a hurry. It sure wasn't long between your experiencing how unpleasant that behavior was and resolving to behave that way yourself.

Fortunately, that interval lasted long enough for you to do the right thing. Miss Manners assures you that this accomplished your purpose of making the stranger realize that she had been rude. Your afterthought would merely have confirmed her impression of you as a disrespectful little girl.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a relative doesn't respond to a wedding invitation, or if they RSVP by checking 'no' and adding no congratulatory note, is that a signal that they do not wish to associate with the marrying couple?

I wasn't expecting gifts from those who could not attend, or even from those who did attend, but a RSVP or even a short personal note scribbled on the RSVP card would have been nice. The wedding was local, less than a two-hour drive for most attendees. I was careful not to violate any etiquette rules in my invitation, such as including registry information or mentioning gifts in any way.

It wasn't a lavish affair because we paid for it ourselves and kept it within our budget, but we did provide a nice meal and music at the reception. I sincerely wanted to bring the family together and am feeling hurt by the silence from several relatives.

GENTLE READER: Absolutely, those who declined your invitations should have congratulated you. But Miss Manners can't help noticing that by using response cards, you offered them an impersonal and mindless way of reacting, as if getting a head count were your only concern.

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