DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 22-year-old college student (although I guess not for long). I've always made an effort to respect my elders, but what am I supposed to do when confronted by an elder who doesn't respect me?

When I had to do a quick errand, I was in a rush and was deep in my head thinking about all the things I had to do that day. While leaving the post office, a little old lady exited before me. I slipped out the first set of doors behind her. Somehow, although now thinking about it, it was probably by her own manipulation, I made it to the second set of doors before she did, and purposefully opened the door to let her pass before me.

She turned to me and said "Thank you." I smiled with a "You're welcome." Then she said "You see, that's what people do when people hold open doors for them, they say THANK YOU."

"I'm sorry?" I replied. She then proceeded to tell me that she had held open the door for me and that I was inconsiderate and rude.

My instinctual response was to deck her, but considering her age, I refrained and simply replied, "Really now, I honestly did not see you hold that door for me; from my understanding, I simply slipped out the door behind you. Please have a pleasant day."

I walked away seething, feeling scolded like a disrespectful little girl. I'm not a little girl anymore and I certainly don't look anything like a rambunctious teenager. I feel that I'm a relatively considerate person who would never purposefully be rude to someone, especially a stranger.

My friends say I should have simply apologized and went on my way; they try to remind me that sometimes older people, like all people, are just cranky. But I still feel like her rude remark on my supposed rudeness was out of line and, given another chance, I'd probably call her rude right back to her face.

GENTLE READER: Then you got mighty old and cranky in a hurry. It sure wasn't long between your experiencing how unpleasant that behavior was and resolving to behave that way yourself.

Fortunately, that interval lasted long enough for you to do the right thing. Miss Manners assures you that this accomplished your purpose of making the stranger realize that she had been rude. Your afterthought would merely have confirmed her impression of you as a disrespectful little girl.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a relative doesn't respond to a wedding invitation, or if they RSVP by checking 'no' and adding no congratulatory note, is that a signal that they do not wish to associate with the marrying couple?

I wasn't expecting gifts from those who could not attend, or even from those who did attend, but a RSVP or even a short personal note scribbled on the RSVP card would have been nice. The wedding was local, less than a two-hour drive for most attendees. I was careful not to violate any etiquette rules in my invitation, such as including registry information or mentioning gifts in any way.

It wasn't a lavish affair because we paid for it ourselves and kept it within our budget, but we did provide a nice meal and music at the reception. I sincerely wanted to bring the family together and am feeling hurt by the silence from several relatives.

GENTLE READER: Absolutely, those who declined your invitations should have congratulated you. But Miss Manners can't help noticing that by using response cards, you offered them an impersonal and mindless way of reacting, as if getting a head count were your only concern.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dear friends of ours and we apparently have different views about the role of answering machines. We often choose to not answer the phone if we are home doing something else or simply don't want to answer the phone at a given moment.

This annoys the husband of this family -- if he calls and we don't pick up, he hangs up without leaving a message.

We have told him many times that if he leaves a message, we would call back, or in the event we are home, would likely pick up the phone as soon as we can get to it.

That isn't good enough; in his view, we are required to answer the phone if we are home, as that is the practice at their house. He also complains that we never answer the phone. And then we (I) explain to him that if he just would speak even to say -- please call back -- when the answering machine kicks in, we would know that they were trying to reach us and would respond promptly.

GENTLE READER: You folks are not really keeping up, are you?

It must be 10 years since Miss Manners saw the last of the Hate Answering Machine complaints. Almost immediately after that ended, she began to receive equally angry letters from those who chastised anyone who did not have an answering machine, thus forcing them to call back.

As for you, you are apparently unaware of the devices that could spare your friend from using the machine to make himself known. You could check Caller ID, if you have it, or you could have a telephone that allows you to program its ring to let you know that a particular person is calling. It is even possible to have an answering machine that announces the callers out loud by recognizing the numbers from which they dialed.

However, none of this addresses the serious underlying issue, which is that your friend expects you to live at his beck and call, as it were. Only the parents of small children have a right to ask that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law died recently, and when I read the obituary, his spouse, grown children, grandchildren, siblings and nieces and nephews were named, and great nieces and nephews were mentioned, but there was no mention of a sister-in-law on his wife's side.

My question is, should I have been named or mentioned as a sister-in-law in the obituary? I am his wife's only sibling. I have not seen this question addressed elsewhere.

GENTLE READER: Let us hope not. And let us hope that you are not taxing your newly bereaved sister with this complaint.

In emotional times, people often go out of their way to start etiquette arguments. Miss Manners is used to getting angry letters asking her to settle, in regard to weddings or funerals, trivial disputes in which etiquette has no stake or interest.

She does understand that there are cases that are not trivial concerning acknowledgment in an obituary. For example, when a devoted partner or children from a first marriage or a non-marriage are omitted.

But the wife's sister? Why aren't you comforting her instead of looking for your name in the paper?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A large percentage of the U.S. work force for my corporation was laid off without warning. Some of these are colleagues who I am not close friends with, but yet I have worked closely with for several years. What is the proper etiquette in such situations?

Everyone in the office seems to wish to avoid contracting the contagion by remaining holed up in their offices or cubicles and not speaking to these coworkers.

I would like to approach them and offer my condolences and ask if there is anything I can do to help, but this may seem presumptuous, and my presence might even cause resentment, since those laid off had been at the firm many years longer than I have, yet I still kept my job. I know that if I were laid off, I would appreciate a friendly word of support, but I recognize others might prefer to metaphorically lick their wounds in private.

At this point, it is moot, since the coworkers have left the office and I don't have contact information to send a commiserating email, if such a thing would be appropriate. For future reference, however, what is the best way to handle such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Well, it is not by shunning them. Miss Manners can hardly think of a crueler send-off than saying, in effect, "Don't come near me, you loser; go enjoy your humiliation by yourself."

Miss Manners considers not knowing what to say a poor excuse for inflicting that kind of damage. Because of such reasoning, the bereaved are often made to feel that their loss is augmented by the loss of friends.

Surely one can always say, "I'm so sorry." Perhaps you might be able to add that it was undeserved, that you know what fine work they did, that you enjoyed working with them -- whatever. But if none of that is so, just the simple expression will do.

And don't think it is too late. Tracking down a former colleague for lunch is always a nice gesture. Eventually you may even want to go to such a person for consolation yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited our two friends to our country home in Pennsylvania sometime this summer. In conversation, they told us that they visited other friends' home that was old and dingy and was a tear down. That house was built in the 1950s.

Bottom line, our house was built in 1989, and I feel that our friends are going to scrutinize what's in our home. Is it proper to uninvite them?

GENTLE READER: It is never proper to disinvite your guests short of an emergency. This is Miss Manners' idea of an emergency.

One of the most sacred rules about hospitality prohibits breaking bread with one's hosts and speaking ill of them afterward. If your prospective guests can break that one -- presuming they were not fasting -- what rules will they not break?

You can hardly cite this, however, because another pesky rule forbids criticizing. A highly apologetic letter should accompany your regret that you have a change in plans.

: