DEAR MISS MANNERS: A large percentage of the U.S. work force for my corporation was laid off without warning. Some of these are colleagues who I am not close friends with, but yet I have worked closely with for several years. What is the proper etiquette in such situations?

Everyone in the office seems to wish to avoid contracting the contagion by remaining holed up in their offices or cubicles and not speaking to these coworkers.

I would like to approach them and offer my condolences and ask if there is anything I can do to help, but this may seem presumptuous, and my presence might even cause resentment, since those laid off had been at the firm many years longer than I have, yet I still kept my job. I know that if I were laid off, I would appreciate a friendly word of support, but I recognize others might prefer to metaphorically lick their wounds in private.

At this point, it is moot, since the coworkers have left the office and I don't have contact information to send a commiserating email, if such a thing would be appropriate. For future reference, however, what is the best way to handle such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Well, it is not by shunning them. Miss Manners can hardly think of a crueler send-off than saying, in effect, "Don't come near me, you loser; go enjoy your humiliation by yourself."

Miss Manners considers not knowing what to say a poor excuse for inflicting that kind of damage. Because of such reasoning, the bereaved are often made to feel that their loss is augmented by the loss of friends.

Surely one can always say, "I'm so sorry." Perhaps you might be able to add that it was undeserved, that you know what fine work they did, that you enjoyed working with them -- whatever. But if none of that is so, just the simple expression will do.

And don't think it is too late. Tracking down a former colleague for lunch is always a nice gesture. Eventually you may even want to go to such a person for consolation yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited our two friends to our country home in Pennsylvania sometime this summer. In conversation, they told us that they visited other friends' home that was old and dingy and was a tear down. That house was built in the 1950s.

Bottom line, our house was built in 1989, and I feel that our friends are going to scrutinize what's in our home. Is it proper to uninvite them?

GENTLE READER: It is never proper to disinvite your guests short of an emergency. This is Miss Manners' idea of an emergency.

One of the most sacred rules about hospitality prohibits breaking bread with one's hosts and speaking ill of them afterward. If your prospective guests can break that one -- presuming they were not fasting -- what rules will they not break?

You can hardly cite this, however, because another pesky rule forbids criticizing. A highly apologetic letter should accompany your regret that you have a change in plans.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to a baby shower, or so I thought!

The expectant mommy and grandmother live in another part of the state. I was so excited to have a chance/good excuse to travel there for a visit, not particularly to stay with either of them.

However, as I read the somewhat interesting invitation, I found that neither I nor anyone else "invited" were actually supposed to ATTEND! The invitation said something to the effect of, "Since you all live there and we live here, just send the gifts and we'll have a private surprise baby shower," i.e., send gifts to Grandma's house; she will then take cake, etc., and go to Mommy's house with gifts. As each gift is opened, a picture will be taken and forwarded to each person who gave gift. This is the extent of the "shower"!

I couldn't believe I was reading correctly, so I read the "invite" three times! I've NEVER heard of such a thing, have you?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, yes. This is the next logical step for those who already require guests to bring the refreshments, donate game prizes to the guest of honor and address their own thank you letters.

They have finally realized that the guest is a mere nuisance, interfering with the business of the shower, which is apparently not to celebrate the coming event with friends but to extract free dry goods from them. Why anyone whose company is not wanted would comply with this, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering, when you end a romantic relationship, do you return the gifts that your partner gave to you?

GENTLE READER: The jewelry and the car should go back. You can keep the stuffed animals, but Miss Manners would think it far more satisfying to return them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize that your column is geared to highly paid professionals rather than people who work hard for a relatively low wage.

I am a teetotaler, and my daughter is in love with a nice boy whose family tends to drink to excess. Should this relationship progress to the altar, the reception would be modest and a cash bar would be the most tactful way of discouraging the amount of drinking that can ruin a special day. The only thing that would make me happier is a dry reception.

GENTLE READER: You do not need to serve liquor, and you do not need to offer an excuse for not doing so.

But you also do not need to hurt Miss Manners' feelings by saying that she sacrifices honest working people to cater to -- she gathers from the way you put it -- people who are working less hard for more money. Good manners are available to all for free. And as far as Miss Manners can tell, those interested in practicing them are randomly distributed up and down the economic scale.

She must tell you that there is nothing "tactful" about a cash bar at a wedding, or any private social event. It would be especially mean to invite out any hard-working, low-paid, non-alcoholic friends you may have and then charge them for any refreshments you have available.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I volunteered at an elementary school and became friendly with a mother and son who both taught there. My health has since deteriorated to the point where I am in a wheelchair. I left my volunteer job and the mother and son moved on.

In the eight years since we worked together, the mother has sent me jokes and prayers thru email, but seldom a personal message. I have not heard from the son in at least four years. Nothing at all until I received his wedding invitation.

I sent my regrets, and a note saying I would send a gift when I was out of the hospital. That day, I was cleared for surgery, and I spent three days in a hospital and four weeks in a rehab facility.

While I was unable to get my email, the mother of the groom sent me four emails reminding me to send her son "something to honor his special day." I then received a group email with a few wedding pictures, so everyone she sent it to was able to read her message that I could finally get her son a gift, and how was surgery? I could also see that she had abased another recipient.

I finally wrote her that I'd had enough. They claim to be devout Christians, yet they are hounding me for a gift. I explained that being in a wheelchair, it is difficult to get out, and I was sorry I didn't go shopping.

Then her son took over. He ignored my physical limitations and went on and on about how he gave me two months and I should have had plenty of time to buy him something. I have not heard from the man in four years, and then I receive an invitation to his wedding. Do I owe him a gift?

GENTLE READER: As a symbol of your affectionate relationship? The next step in such a campaign is to threaten to break your knees. When this happens, Miss Manners recommends involving the police. In the meantime, she suggests blocking or deleting their email.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In listing the obligations of a good houseguest, you mentioned using one's own telephone. I am old enough to remember the days when long-distance calls were paid by the minute, and a guest would place a call, keep track of its duration, and attempt to reimburse the host for it. This is certainly one incidence in which the invention of the mobile phone has been a good thing.

However, I'm curious: Why is telephone usage the only expense thus singled out? The guest eats and drinks, uses electricity, hot water and laundry supplies, soap and other consumables. Is there a reason that phone use is not part of the hosting package? I accept the rule but would love to know the rationale.

GENTLE READER: When the guest eats and drinks, the hosts can eat and drink. When the electricity is on, it shines on the guest and host alike. With any luck, they can both take showers at the same time, although Miss Manners knows about the problems in old houses.

However, when the guest uses the telephone or, for that matter, the host's computer, the host is cut off from sending and receiving communications. Therefore, the considerate guest brings his own devices or asks permission to use the host's and minimizes usage.

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