DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are gathering for dinner to celebrate a friend's last night in town, as she is moving away. The host is expecting us all to pitch in and pay for the guest of honor's dinner.

This wouldn't be so much of an issue if the dinner weren't being held at an upscale, expensive restaurant, and since several of attendees (not including the guest of honor) are either out of work or in danger of losing their jobs. I understand this is customary for birthday celebrations, etc., but is it also customary to pick up the guest of honor's tab for such an occasion as this?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean "the host"? Is he paying for all of you, and only asking you to chip in for the guest of honor? If not, he is not a host. He is merely an organizer, on behalf of a group whom he did not consult.

Indeed there has been a lot of that happening. Sometimes, Miss Manners regrets to say, it is the guest of honor who makes the arrangements -- typically a self-birthday party at a restaurant -- and expects others to sign on to pay without any say in the expenses being incurred. The worst is that it is presented as a test of friendship -- a financial test.

Miss Manners strongly recommends refusing to take such a test. There should be no embarrassment, especially since there are several of you, in asking the organizer to move the dinner to an affordable restaurant if he wishes you to participate. Should he decline, you should decline, and find another way to show your friendship to the guest of honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave a 9-year-old family member some toys for her birthday. My kids love to play with these toys and their ages are 7 and also 9.

A week later, I got a call from her thanking me for the present, but then saying that the toys were not appropriate for her age and she had returned them and got clothes instead. I told her I was glad she got something she could use.

I am offended by this and wondered if my offence is warranted. After this incident I would like to discontinue gift giving. What would be the proper way in doing this?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to announce that you are ceasing to trouble this child with things she does not want. Miss Manners supposes that in keeping with the brutal frankness that she has either been taught or allowed to get away with, she will only tell you to give her money instead.

She may, however, speak up when she notices that she has been cut off. In that case, you may be able to explain gently your point of view: that it is no pleasure for you to give something that is then used to criticize you. If you are able to make her understand that, you will have given her a valuable present.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently attended the funeral of an acquaintance. During the service, silver trays were passed with small silk bags on them, and each guest was encouraged to take one. She'd been to a funeral where everyone had been given a bubble wand, and during the service they all blew bubbles, so she figured some similar high-jinx were afoot.

Later in the service, it was announced that the bags contained the "cremains" of the dearly departed, who could now remain for all eternity with friends and loved ones.

My friend was appalled, as you can imagine. She was there out of courtesy more than affection; she was not close to the departed and knew him only through her work.

What on earth is she supposed to do with this "gift"?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners was already appalled when you got to the bubble blowing. Turning a funeral into a children's birthday party -- are the dead to be allowed no dignity?

And then comes the idea of handing out the remains of the deceased as goody bags. No doubt whoever thought of this never considered that he was forcing the helplessly dead to become an uninvited, not to mention creepy, permanent guest of everyone he had known.

This is why we have rituals: So that people under the stress that the bereaved presumably feel do not have to improvise. As anyone knows who has attended an embarrassing wedding, amateurs are not good at inventing ceremonies, even for themselves.

Let us hope that all those who were put in the ghastly position of finding out what was in the souvenirs they had accepted are too respectful simply to pitch them. Decency allows them to scatter the ashes in an appropriate place, such as a lake or forest of some significance to the deceased. They should not have to perform such a task, which belongs to immediate survivors, but they have little choice.

Unless this was done under the auspices of a member of the clergy. In that case, returning the ashes in confidence, stating that one is not the proper custodian of such a relic, may prevent such a trick being pulled at another funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received an invitation for a First Communion service and party, with RSVP. The person who sent it to me did not reply or attend my child's First Communion party a year ago.

I understand this is not a competition and I feel awfully guilty if I don't respond, but feel that I should have received some kind of response, at least, to our party in the first place a year ago. Should I just blow it off just as they did to mine?

GENTLE READER: Thus condoning their behavior by imitating it?

It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the victims of rudeness often believe that they can punish the perpetrators by repeating the rudeness. The "see how you like this" method.

The reality is that people are easily capable of separating the two actions. They are likely to have forgotten ignoring your invitation and notice only that you were rude in ignoring theirs.

However, they might wonder why you are not attending. Why don't you just do the polite thing and decline?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were in a public bathroom, changing her infant son's diaper, when an acquaintance of hers came by to take a peek at the new baby, I made the comment that he was "Being a good baby today."

The acquaintance soon left and, as we were walking out of the bathroom, a stranger walked up to us and asked me, "Did you say that he was being a good baby?" I replied that he was being very good that day, which surprised me, seeing as this was the first time he was surrounded by lots of people.

The stranger then proceeds to berate me, saying that there are no bad babies, only bad adults. She went on to tell me that I should watch what I say because all of God's children are precious and special. Lastly, she commented that I was obviously insensitive to this matter because I am young. (I think she assumed I was a teenager.)

My sister, being far more patient than I, let the stranger continue with her religious lecture while I quickly exited the room. I was so upset that someone would not only publicly berate a complete stranger, but would make the off-hand remark that I am basically "young and dumb."

I might only be 22 years old, but I know not to be blatantly rude to others. Should I have said something to her instead of just walking away? I thought about saying something like, "Thank you for your concern, I'll make sure to censor myself next time."

GENTLE READER: As the stranger said --and illustrated-- there certainly are bad adults. Miss Manners might have been tempted to jump in at that point and say, with gentle sadness, "Evidently."

Fortunately, you are not one of them. The reply you thought of delivering is within the realm of politeness, presuming that you would have delivered it straight, rather than slathered with sarcasm. It takes longer to sink in that way, but is all the more effective when it does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have a dinner party, I always have a tablecloth and pad on my dining room table. How large should the cloth be? I mean, how far past the edge of the table should it drop?

British friends will often use rigid placemats instead of a tablecloth. How are placemats used, where do the glasses go, and what size should they be? Should something else go under them to protect the table? I like the idea of having the wood of the table exposed but still wish to protect the finish.

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, a tablecloth, with a 10- to 15-inch drop, is proper for dinner parties, and placemats are used for daytime meals or informal suppers. However, Miss Manners may be the only person that strict left on earth.

You may have padded placemats large enough to accommodate the glasses, as well as each person's china and silver, but Miss Manners hopes you do not have the illusion that this will prevent them from parking their glasses on the table. If you find your mind wandering during dinner, watching the fate of the table instead of concentrating on the conversation, you should stay with using the pad and cloth.

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