DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were in a public bathroom, changing her infant son's diaper, when an acquaintance of hers came by to take a peek at the new baby, I made the comment that he was "Being a good baby today."

The acquaintance soon left and, as we were walking out of the bathroom, a stranger walked up to us and asked me, "Did you say that he was being a good baby?" I replied that he was being very good that day, which surprised me, seeing as this was the first time he was surrounded by lots of people.

The stranger then proceeds to berate me, saying that there are no bad babies, only bad adults. She went on to tell me that I should watch what I say because all of God's children are precious and special. Lastly, she commented that I was obviously insensitive to this matter because I am young. (I think she assumed I was a teenager.)

My sister, being far more patient than I, let the stranger continue with her religious lecture while I quickly exited the room. I was so upset that someone would not only publicly berate a complete stranger, but would make the off-hand remark that I am basically "young and dumb."

I might only be 22 years old, but I know not to be blatantly rude to others. Should I have said something to her instead of just walking away? I thought about saying something like, "Thank you for your concern, I'll make sure to censor myself next time."

GENTLE READER: As the stranger said --and illustrated-- there certainly are bad adults. Miss Manners might have been tempted to jump in at that point and say, with gentle sadness, "Evidently."

Fortunately, you are not one of them. The reply you thought of delivering is within the realm of politeness, presuming that you would have delivered it straight, rather than slathered with sarcasm. It takes longer to sink in that way, but is all the more effective when it does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have a dinner party, I always have a tablecloth and pad on my dining room table. How large should the cloth be? I mean, how far past the edge of the table should it drop?

British friends will often use rigid placemats instead of a tablecloth. How are placemats used, where do the glasses go, and what size should they be? Should something else go under them to protect the table? I like the idea of having the wood of the table exposed but still wish to protect the finish.

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, a tablecloth, with a 10- to 15-inch drop, is proper for dinner parties, and placemats are used for daytime meals or informal suppers. However, Miss Manners may be the only person that strict left on earth.

You may have padded placemats large enough to accommodate the glasses, as well as each person's china and silver, but Miss Manners hopes you do not have the illusion that this will prevent them from parking their glasses on the table. If you find your mind wandering during dinner, watching the fate of the table instead of concentrating on the conversation, you should stay with using the pad and cloth.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the Communications Director for a government agency, I respond to written constituent inquiries. In an effort to personalize my responses, I often excerpt from the original missive. For example, "You're agency stnks!" (sic).

Should I correct spelling and grammatical errors from the original correspondence or leave them as is? I hate to fudge a quote, but if I don't correct errors, I am concerned the constituent will think the mistakes are mine, putting my agency in a bad light.

Also, it seems rude to point out someone's errors when they have taken the time to share their concerns. My agency does not yet have a policy regarding this point of professional etiquette.

GENTLE READER: But if you correct the quotation, won't the letter writer think, "Stupid bureaucrats -- can't even quote accurately"?

Besides, surely it is a comfort to note that your critics are not, shall we say, discerning. Miss Manners would consider it polite enough if you preceded the letter writer's words with "as you so colorfully put it...."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mother of a 7-month-old son and have recently joined a local "mom's club" to meet other mothers for friendship and play dates for our children. Some of the events the mom's club puts together are evenings out to dinner where it's "just the girls."

Our family is struggling financially, not even making ends meet every month, and I am unemployed, desperately trying to find work. Like so many families these days, we do not have extra money for indulgences such as this.

There is an upcoming mom's night out at a local Mexican restaurant for which I have found a few coupons -- one for $5 off the total bill, and the other is buys one meal get the second free. I would like to use these coupons for this dinner and in theory believe they would more than pay for my entree, so when the bill comes at the end of the night, all that's left for me to pay is my portion of the tax and tip.

But on the other hand, I can see how this would seem strange to others and perhaps even tacky. Or maybe the other moms would feel the savings these coupons provide should be disbursed over the group as a whole, and not apply solely to me.

GENTLE READER: As you are wise enough to realize, this is not just a mathematical matter but a social problem.

It is true that by throwing in both coupons, you will be paying for your meal plus $5. And it is fortunate that everyone wants to go to a restaurant for which you have coupons, because it sounds as if you need that night out.

But Miss Manners suspects that you are right that others, not having done the calculation, might feel somewhat taken advantage of. The way to make them think it through is to hand your coupons to the person calculating the bill and ask, "Does this take care of my share?" Any decent person will read it over and say yes. Especially if you do this after the others have paid, so that it would look petty to give them refunds at your expense.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I needed to call my former wife on a matter of some importance (fortunately not an emergency) concerning our children. She was not home, so I left a message. She never called me back.

When she later learned of the situation, she reproached me for not contacting her, so I explained that I had left a message for her at home.

When she said breezily, "Oh, I never check messages on my home phone," I was at a loss for words; not at the decision not to use the technology of voice mail -- a decision which is hers to make -- but because her recorded message says (exact quote), "This is Jane. I'd appreciate it if you would leave me a message."

I pointed out that if she had no intention of listening to messages, she could do what our daughter did on her home phone and record the message, "We do not check this machine for messages, so please try our cell phones...."

Then, just last night, I was talking with a friend -- of the "younger generation," if that is relevant -- who has been dating a young woman whose voice mailbox is always full, because she doesn't listen to messages, either. I don't know what her greeting is, but if one has no intention of listening to messages, should one not say so, saving one's callers time and annoyance? I fully believe that the voice mailbox is mine to use, or not use, as I please, but to mislead callers by inviting them to leave a message I refuse to listen to seems, well, rude.

While Miss Manners' Gentle Readers all understand that technology exists to serve us and not the other way 'round, and, similarly, that one cannot be rude to a machine, nonetheless we would be grateful for some guidance on how to interact with friends and relatives (who may possibly not be Gentle Readers) who have other ideas.

GENTLE READER: And it is not just ex-wives, as you have discovered. Many people have all but abandoned monitoring their home telephones.

But Miss Manners assures you that by the time you program in their cellular telephone numbers, they will have also given up listening to messages left there, on the grounds that this takes too long, and they only check text messages.

As an excuse, this does not play as well as the old lost-in-the-mail or service-was-down ones, since clearly missing such messages cannot be blamed on others. The least people can do, as you suggest, is to warn you.

But as you now know, there are people who do not do that least. Miss Manners is afraid you will have to get into the habit of asking, "What is the best way to reach you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When ordering at a restaurant, is it permissible to say, "I want . . .," or "Give me . . ."?

I greatly prefer, "I would like" or "Please may I have the...." My son believes I am "hyper" about manners.

GENTLE READER: How fortunate, then, for him that he has you to bring him up. Miss Manners trusts that you also know better than to cede authority to someone whose object is to remove courtesy and recommend making bald demands.

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