DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently a guest at a group camp out. While enjoying the fire after a day of outdoor fun, another guest claimed to have been a sniper with a Marine reconnaissance unit in Iraq.

His garbled, panicky answers to a few simple ballistics questions revealed this to be an outright lie, but the other guests appeared none the wiser. This spoiled the evening's conversation for me, and I retired immediately.

In such a case, where a fellow invitee is obviously trying to hijack other men's valor, what can the good guest do to call out the fraud without ruining the party spirits of others? It's simple to call out someone in a public place, but what does one do in a group social gathering or a friend's home?

GENTLE READER: You were all sitting around the campfire, and someone went creeping around trying to hijack the men's valor?

How exactly does that work?

Never mind. Miss Manners doesn't want to know.

She can tell you how to dampen such conversation politely, but your fellow campers already know: It is by asking questions. As long as you seem to ask them in a spirit of interest in the narrative, these questions needn't be kept simple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I play in a seven-team basketball league at work. Each Wednesday, the league holds three games with two teams playing at 6 p.m., two at 7 p.m., two at 8 p.m. and one team not playing that day.

The other week, my team played first. I brought a somewhat expensive basketball with which to practice. After our game (which, I should mention, we won!), I saw one of the other teams using the ball to practice.

I am friendly with most of the people on that team, so I approached them and told them they could use it as long as they got it back to me. I specifically told one person to make sure it got back to me.

Of course, it never did. When I approached this person to ask where it was, she said she thought someone else had taken it to me. When I asked that person, they said the ball they brought was actually someone else's.

Either way, the ball is gone. I've e-mailed the league and no one has it, nor does the gym.

Am I right to be ticked off that trying to do a nice thing by lending my ball to a group of work acquaintances cost me a $35 piece of sports merchandise, or is this just plain fourth-grade playground-style silly on my part and I should just forget about it and buy a new ball? And if the former, whom do I approach -- the person, the league commissioner -- and what do I say?

GENTLE READER: "Make them give me back my ball"?

Your irritation is not silly, but your airing it, with no known target whom you have not already queried, is bound to sound so. Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that the chances of your getting it back are slim. So after posting a sign merely asking that it be returned, she suggests that you resign yourself and resolve not to lend anything to these people again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a flatware issue that perhaps you could shed light on. My everyday flatware is a set of stainless steel that I purchased over 20 years ago. At this point, it is difficult to keep clean and I don't really like the design.

This leaves me with two choices: purchase a new set of stainless steel or use my set of sterling silver flatware. To be honest, spending money on a new set of stainless flatware seems like a waste of money to me even if I found a set that I like.

The set of sterling is not very ornate, and I do like it. I also know how to take care of it. It seems a waste not to use it other than at fancy dinners, which don't happen too frequently. I grew up using sterling silver every day because that was all that my parents had, since they received it as wedding gifts and didn't have money as newlyweds to purchase something else to use every day. Is it acceptable to use sterling silver flatware every day?

GENTLE READER: Acceptable? The silver is yours, it is not stolen, and it doesn't wear out. Why are you even asking?

Miss Manners is reminded of two stories, one fiction, one real, about "saving" good possessions. The first was a short story about a lady who had been given an exquisite tablecloth when she was married, and had never found an occasion special enough to use it. So it was first used as her shroud.

The second was about a tycoon who had an Old Master painting on his yacht. Someone who had been a guest on the yacht told Miss Manners that he had asked the owner whether the salty sea air might not damage the painting. "It might," was the reply, "but I believe that if you have good things you ought to enjoy them."

So did Miss Manners before she heard that second story.

However, it still applies to your silver.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a priest; a few years ago, he was ordained, and we moved to a new parish. The people have been lovely, kind and welcoming, and I appreciate their support in every way.

That said, I'm beginning to have a bit of a problem. The parish is very family-oriented people and larger families tend to be the rule. My first child is now at an age where people have decided I'm ready for another one, and they have started pointing this out to me.

I happen to agree that it's time for another and am currently pregnant, but it's far too early to announce the pregnancy. Until then, bearing in mind how kindly we have been welcomed and that I really don't want to kill any conversations, how do I respond to the comment, "You're about ready for another one"?

GENTLE READER: Kindly meant or not, such remarks are inexcusably nosy and rude. Miss Manners usually hears about this being said to ladies who are not planning to have children, or more children, or, heart-breakingly, to those who want them but have been unable to have them. Since you are pregnant, your problem will soon disappear. You need only smile and say, "We shall see."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live and work in a small, localized neighborhood within a large metropolitan city. My job is in retail, and I am paid handsomely to be friendly and courteous to people I would normally prefer not to associate with in my personal life.

Sometimes I pass these people on the sidewalk on my days off, and I understand that if we make eye contact, it is proper for me to acknowledge them with a smile and a nod.

What are my obligations to these people when they are wearing sunglasses and I really have no idea if they are seeing me or not?

Often I will smile and look at them in the eyes as best I can but usually end up feeling foolish and wishing I hadn't when I realize they hadn't even noticed me coming in the opposite direction. Being that I live in a large city, it is not unusual to pass hundreds of other people a day without any contact at all.

Am I just overly sensitive, or am I allowed to ignore these occasional customers with sunglasses on?

GENTLE READER: If there is a more minimal obligation to perform than a passing smile and a nod to an acquaintance, Miss Manners cannot think what it would be. And if there is a more baseless source of embarrassment than the supposed reaction of someone who didn't even see oneself, what would that be?

Acknowledging someone's existence is not an endorsement; failing to do so, unless it is clearly accidental, is an insult. Miss Manners suggests that you make the effort -- or start wearing sunglasses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a pre-opera lecture before a production. The speaker was a college professor expert in the composer's life and the work to be performed.

A crowd of about 600 was in the auditorium, so the speaker was using a microphone. As he began, a woman several rows behind me began shouting that she couldn't hear. She kept this up regularly throughout the talk with the result that none of us could easily hear anything but her. The speaker chose to ignore her after he had pointed out that he was doing his best to make himself heard.

I was unsure what to do, and simply sat and tried to make the best of it. Thinking of it now, I feel perhaps I should have asked the head usher to attempt to quiet the woman by moving her closer to the loudspeakers. Could you please let me know if that would be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, but Miss Manners begs you to think of it -- and to phrase it -- as assisting the lady, rather than shutting her up.

In fact, the first people in an audience who call out "We can't hear" are doing a service. The lecturer needs to know that, and to adjust. It was the repetition by someone who apparently was the only person with difficulty that made it annoying.

So yes, by all means, you should have attempted to help the lady -- and the rest of the audience, whose problem of hearing she was causing -- as long as you did it politely.

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