DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a rather large corporate office. This year, we've had several top executives leave, and our human resources manager, who has organized going-away parties for them, directly solicits money from the staff.

She makes public lists of who has donated, and how much. More importantly, she keeps a list of who doesn't donate.

I'm nearly 40 and am one of the lowest-paid people in the office. The exiting execs (who have not retired, just left for better opportunities) have salaries well into the six figures and bonuses double that.

Asking for $25 still isn't a lot, and it's something I'd be willing to invest for my career, or donate toward a meaningful gift, or a gift for someone I know. It just feels awkward when the donations go to envelopes of cash.

There is no going-away gift, just cash or gift credit cards. There are going-away cards, but only certain people in the office are allowed to sign them, regardless of donation. Ultimately, I probably need to just do what I'm told and fork over the cash to the millionaire, but is there an etiquette alternative?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- your executives left for better opportunities? Not for jail or breadlines?

Has Miss Manners held onto this question too long?

Even if so, the attitude behind it is indicative of current problems. Years ago, many businesses offered retirement parties and presents to employees at all levels. Then -- even before hard times hit -- they decided to cut costs, but not by abandoning such perks, which would at least have been a defensible business decision.

Instead, they kept them, paying when it concerned executives while expecting the lower-level employees to sponsor them for one another. What you describe is a new low -- expecting the lower-level to sponsor the higher.

Miss Manners understands that it is difficult for individuals to resist pressure from above. You must enlist your colleagues, some of whom will be timid but none of whom, she dares say, will be disappointed to be deprived of the chance to enrich the rich. It will be sufficient for all of you to say that you are sorry not to participate, but that at your salaries, you cannot afford that luxury.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece sent her grand aunt a thank you note for her college graduation gift of money. My aunt was offended because she was addressed as "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith," not "Dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank ... thank your for your generous gift of money...."

My aunt is hurt by how impersonal the note was from my niece. It's been five months. Is it too late for my niece to make things right? How should she go about it?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners is not in the habit of writing young people's letters for them, she is softened by the fact that your daughter did write and that although she erred, it was on the side of formality.

So here goes: "Dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank, I am devastated to think that my clumsy note might have sounded cold, rather than respectful. It is a privilege to be able to address you as my very dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank."

No, this doesn't make any sense. However, it will work.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son will be receiving his Ph.D. at a ceremony this June. I am wondering what the proper procedure is for announcing this (to me) exciting and important event to relatives and friends.

Does one send announcements like for a regular graduation, or is it better to let people know individually? During these tough economic times, which have hit some family and friends rather hard, I don't want people to think that we are asking for gifts.

However, it would be nice if people were to send my son a nice card. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Does the Doctor of Philosophy know that his mother wants to drum up cards for him? Just a guess, but would he be saying, "Mom, please, I know you mean well, but..."?

Miss Manners feels no such exasperation. She finds your pride justifiable and charming. She only wants to make sure that others do, too.

A formal announcement of it as "an exciting and important event" will not do it. It lacks the endearing "(to me)" part. To whom would you send it? It is too cold for your close friends and relatives, your son's friends already know, and acquaintances will not find it exciting.

The approach to take is the one that actually corresponds to your feelings: "Guess what? Skipper got his Ph.D! Can you imagine? I keep thinking of all those years I had to nag him to do his homework -- and he turned out to be a real scholar!" and so on.

You will agree that such sentiments are best delivered in a breathless, I-know-I'm-bragging-but-I-can't-help-myself tone. Sweet as they are, they are not suitable for engraving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a private person and don't confide in many people. I am known for "keeping to myself."

Last year, my house was robbed and all my heirloom jewelry was stolen, along with my laptop and several books of checks. Fortunately, the crooks were bumbling amateurs who cashed my checks and were quickly caught. My laptop was returned but not my jewelry, and their court cases wound slowly through the legal system. Final sentencing was earlier this month.

One semi-close friend who knew of the situation noticed that I was late coming to work on the day the criminals were sentenced. I confided that I had been to court that morning to observe the sentencing, and her reply to me was: "Oh, THAT again. You need to get over that already. It's not like they killed someone."

I was so stunned that I just stared at her in silence, then left the scene.

What would the correct response have been? If I could have spoken at that moment, I would have blurted "That is the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me, EVER." Should I have confronted her?

She is actively avoiding me now and I'm sure she knows it was the wrong thing to say. I have no wish to reconcile with her, or engage her in conversation ever again. I would just like your opinion.

GENTLE READER: It is that you are fortunate that this person is avoiding you, because it saves you the trouble of avoiding her.

Thus Miss Manners hopes you will be spared an explanation that will be, if anything, more offensive than the original rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the only one who finds this phenomenon confusing?

"Miss Lucy Bainbridge and her fiance of 5 years, Mr. Michael Bagley, wish to announce the arrival of a baby boy, Sweetums Bainbridge-Bagley."

Are women these days, living with a partner without the benefit of marriage, playing fast and loose with the term "fiance"? Are they just cockeyed optimists, waiting each Valentine's Day for a ring? Has there been a lot of talk about marriage and no action? I always thought having a fiance went right along with having a ring and a date. Can one be called a fiance year after year?

GENTLE READER: Long ago, when pseudo-marriages first became openly admitted and widespread, Miss Manners asked her Gentle Readers for help in devising a presentable term by which each person in such an arrangement could refer to the relationship with the other.

She is sorry to say that although she was flooded with suggestions, many of them were not presentable. Those that were not lewd or downright nasty were hopelessly complicated or pure treacle.

And the presentable ones used words that meant something else. One of them was "partner." She didn't choose that one (the truth is that she got discouraged and didn't choose anything) but society did.

It spread, and Miss Manners soon got caught in the very confusion she had predicted. She was about to invite an interesting acquaintance to dinner when he mentioned how happy he was with his new partner. As she was amending the invitation in her mind to include the partner -- the hard part was avoiding a gender-specific pronoun -- the gentleman happened to mention his wife.

Now, Miss Manners is not given to snooping into people's living arrangements, but she does need to know how many people are coming to dinner. It took her a great deal of conversational maneuvering before she discovered that the gentleman's domestic life was not as hectic as she supposed. He had one wife and one business partner.

Perhaps similar confusion has inspired the widespread use of "fiance" and "fiancee" among those without marriage plans. Perhaps they believe it sounds more grown-up or more serious. Or just more French.

In any case, it is now widely used, as you have observed, for arrangements that do not seem to be moving along to marriage. Confusing, yes. But minimally so, Miss Manners would say, as neither long engagements nor broken engagements are new, and these arrangements do sometimes lead to marriage.

Anyway, she has no better term to suggest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a 90-year-old known-to-be-senile person asks, "Is today Sunday?" is it rude to answer, "All day"? My husband claims that it's not, but I feel it's being sarcastic.

How do you feel about this?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners doesn't probe the feelings of those whose surface behavior is polite. But with behavior toward someone unable to judge it -- making faces at a blind person would be another example -- motivation counts. So if he thinks this is funny, then it is rude. (And if he doesn't, he wouldn't insist on repeating it.)

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