DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws and I are not close. I am polite to them, and, for my dear husband's sake, try to be cordial. My husband's stepmother died three months ago. At the visitation and funeral, his father behaved quite boorishly. Within a month, he was dating again.

Since then, he has dated at least two women (serially, not simultaneously) and is corresponding with another whom he found via a popular Internet matchmaking site. Incidentally, he and his late wife had a 13-year-old daughter.

Despite the modern view that everyone grieves in his own way and time, I am appalled by this rapid moving on, especially since he has given little time (or apparently thought) to his daughter's grief and loss. Naturally, I do not voice my disapproval.

During a recent visit to our home, he made several comments about getting a neighbor to check his mail for a letter he was expecting. I knew from the context he was referring to his lady correspondent.

Unsure how to respond to his comments about the anticipated letter, I simply acted as if I heard nothing and changed the subject.

How should I have handled this? It is likely to recur.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, you are not required to handle either your father-in-law's mail or his social life. Miss Manners knows that this will come to you as a relief.

What would be kind would be for you to direct your attention, instead, to your young and not-so-incidental sister-in-law. If her father is preoccupied, she would doubtless be grateful for some sympathetic family life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My nationwide gym is getting me heated in more ways than the one I'm there for. While rules for the gym go unheeded and unenforced, I guess it is no surprise that common sense manners are not far behind.

When an exercise class I attend ends, another starts. Like most gyms, the workout room has several glass walls, including the one with the only door to enter and exit the area. The starting class will stay outside the door and watch while the ending class puts away their equipment. But as soon as someone from the ending class opens the door to walk out, the starting class takes this as their cue to start pushing their way in, leaving the ending class to bottleneck and wait for a chance to walk out.

Am I wrong to think the strategy and etiquette for the changing of members to be consistent to an elevator's exchange of users or bus/train passengers? It seems to me the ones leaving should be let out first. After all, the starting class can't start until the ending class clears the studio. I'd love to hear your opinion on this.

GENTLE READER: As soon as Miss Manners can get out of the way of all those frightfully fit hordes charging at each other.

Being right about the procedure, as you are, can't be much comfort if these people are, as you say, chronic rule-breakers. You might try enlisting the help of a burly classmate, who will stand at the door calling out, bus-conductor style, "Let 'em out first, please."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that people are encouraged to turn off their cell phones in restaurants and movie theaters, the custom is to communicate with text messages.

I have a friend who I get together with only about four times a year because of our busy schedules. We get together for dinner and shopping or for a few days at the beach. I look forward to catching up with my friend, and I assume that my friend will give me her full time and attention.

Unfortunately, thanks to text messaging, this is no longer the case. Last summer, when we were at the beach having dinner, my friend was preoccupied with her phone. She stared at it constantly.

She sent and returned e-mails even while at the beach. She liked a new guy and was hoping to hear from him, so she was always checking her phone, even while chatting with me. The same thing happened when we were at the movies a few months ago. My friend was texting another friend about our activities.

I want to say something to my friend so that she realizes her behavior makes me feel ignored, but I don't know what to say. Everyone except me seems to be obsessed with their cell phones these days.

Could you please advise me on the correct manners for the use of cell phones and text messaging, and could you also help me deal with my cell phone-obsessed friend?

GENTLE READER: Here we go again. Every time there is a new toy, people imagine that it is not covered by existing etiquette rules and therefore they feel free to use it to annoy other people.

So it was with cellular telephones. And, as you point out, people still need to be reminded not to use their telephones to violate the old rules against disturbing others with noise and ignoring people who have a claim on their attention.

Well, guess what? Texting also comes under the latter rule. Nobody sympathizes more than Miss Manners with the tedium of having to make this point to people who aren't paying attention. You could patiently explain that the idea of those jaunts is to get away from your ordinary demands so that you can enjoy each other's company undisturbed. You could propose specific times for checking in with others so that you can also have time together free of virtual visiting with others.

But if she looks at you vaguely while keeping her fingers on her telephone keyboard, Miss Manners suggests that you rethink this year's beach outing. It cannot be entertaining for you to be with someone who isn't really there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After I have attended a wedding as a guest of the bride, I write a simple, informal thank you note to the parents (hosts), mentioning the lovely day, pretty bride, thanking them for including me in their special event, etc. At a recent luncheon with several friends, this came up (can't remember why or how), and everyone (including the recipient of one of my notes) agreed that I was acting in an affected manner by doing this. Am I?

GENTLE READER: Did you thank your friends for their kind concern?

While it is not obligatory to send written thanks after attending a wedding -- because it is not a form of pure entertainment, but a ceremony -- Miss Manners would never call it affected. Those who do betray their eagerness to dumb down behavior to their own level.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am responsible for coordinating the commencement exercises at the high school where I teach. A colleague and I are having a lively discussion regarding the proper etiquette for women today wearing graduation caps during the National Anthem.

She says if the caps are not clipped or pinned on, the young women should remove them. I, on the other hand, feel that traditional etiquette calls for only men to remove their caps during this time. Can you advise us of the proper protocol?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly not to have some take off their caps while others do not. Never mind whether or not they are pinned or clipped to them -- to onlookers, the hatted will appear to be unpatriotic and disrespectful.

So you do need a policy. Of course that is what you asked Miss Manners to set, and now she is going to waffle. Sorry.

The mortarboard is a professional, unisex item, not to be confused with a lady's garden party hat. In theory, it is subject to the same rules that govern their male colleagues.

However -- the mortarboard is also a particularly aggressive head grabber, flattening any hair upon which it sits. Furthermore, graduations are often held out of doors, making it necessary to anchor it firmly. So Miss Manners might weaken and yield if your high school graduates plead that they have already had their hair done for the prom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to serve hot tea in a business meeting? Yes, I sometimes feel more like a waitress than an executive assistant, not that there is a thing in the world wrong with being a waitress. I just don't feel qualified for that position.

Do I dunk the tea bag and dispose of it before I serve our guest(s)? Do I place the unopened tea bag on the saucer next to the cup of hot water for our guest(s) to open and dunk themselves? Do I place the opened tea bag in the cup of hot water and serve it to our guest, making sure I've provided a saucer upon which to dispose of the tea bag? I understand this may be a very unworthy question.

GENTLE READER: No, but it is an unworthy situation. Whether your job description involves serving tea is not Miss Manners' concern. It is the tea bag that bothers her. There is no graceful way to deal with it.

However, she supposes she is not going to persuade you to lobby your company to serve loose tea in teapots. So you will have to do your best to accommodate tea drinkers with different attitudes about the proper strength. They can be very fussy, you know.

Your choice is to ask the preference of each person, in which case you need not make them deal with the nasty wet tea bag situation, or to present cups of hot water with the tea bags on the saucer.

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