DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am responsible for coordinating the commencement exercises at the high school where I teach. A colleague and I are having a lively discussion regarding the proper etiquette for women today wearing graduation caps during the National Anthem.

She says if the caps are not clipped or pinned on, the young women should remove them. I, on the other hand, feel that traditional etiquette calls for only men to remove their caps during this time. Can you advise us of the proper protocol?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly not to have some take off their caps while others do not. Never mind whether or not they are pinned or clipped to them -- to onlookers, the hatted will appear to be unpatriotic and disrespectful.

So you do need a policy. Of course that is what you asked Miss Manners to set, and now she is going to waffle. Sorry.

The mortarboard is a professional, unisex item, not to be confused with a lady's garden party hat. In theory, it is subject to the same rules that govern their male colleagues.

However -- the mortarboard is also a particularly aggressive head grabber, flattening any hair upon which it sits. Furthermore, graduations are often held out of doors, making it necessary to anchor it firmly. So Miss Manners might weaken and yield if your high school graduates plead that they have already had their hair done for the prom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to serve hot tea in a business meeting? Yes, I sometimes feel more like a waitress than an executive assistant, not that there is a thing in the world wrong with being a waitress. I just don't feel qualified for that position.

Do I dunk the tea bag and dispose of it before I serve our guest(s)? Do I place the unopened tea bag on the saucer next to the cup of hot water for our guest(s) to open and dunk themselves? Do I place the opened tea bag in the cup of hot water and serve it to our guest, making sure I've provided a saucer upon which to dispose of the tea bag? I understand this may be a very unworthy question.

GENTLE READER: No, but it is an unworthy situation. Whether your job description involves serving tea is not Miss Manners' concern. It is the tea bag that bothers her. There is no graceful way to deal with it.

However, she supposes she is not going to persuade you to lobby your company to serve loose tea in teapots. So you will have to do your best to accommodate tea drinkers with different attitudes about the proper strength. They can be very fussy, you know.

Your choice is to ask the preference of each person, in which case you need not make them deal with the nasty wet tea bag situation, or to present cups of hot water with the tea bags on the saucer.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are renting a nice home in an upscale neighborhood outside Washington, D.C. Since moving in, at least a dozen neighbors have approached us with the off-putting welcome of "So, you are renting this house?"

We both find the question to be rather forward and rude.

Without knowing our reason for renting, it puts us on the defensive for not being "able" to buy a home, when, in fact, we are more than able to; we just choose not to in this current market.

Could you help us with an appropriate comeback that let's them know that yes, we are renters, but that in no way makes us second-class citizens and we don't appreciate having to defend our status?

GENTLE READER: Don't you want to get the curtains up before you start sparring with the neighbors?

Miss Manners is not at all sure that you have any cause. She has no tolerance for pure nosiness, real estate or otherwise, but surely you understand that neighbors have a legitimate interest in what is going on in the neighborhood. Maybe they hate your landlords and hope they are gone for good. Maybe they like you and are hoping you are there to stay. Maybe they also rent.

Besides, don't you know that nowadays, seeming rich is considered more offensive than seeming poor?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While having guests over has been a welcome change from "happy hours" around town, one new challenge has arisen in keeping friends happily entertained. Concerning music, there are three types of guest. The first is fine with almost any music. The second prefers having nothing playing at all, explaining that she has difficulty conversing while music is playing, at any volume.

The third guest must have music playing to feel comfortable, and is quite particular about the music itself, not tolerating anything different for long. She will pick through the host's CD collection as a sort of unsolicited DJ and will even bring her own CDs to play. Another variant of this is the guest with an iPod who will connect it to a stereo, to play for an entire evening without invitation or discussion.

How would you recommend handling those overzealous people with no patience for any tunes but their own? And can they possibly sit in the same room with someone who finds any music at all detrimental to conversation?

GENTLE READER: Your choice seems to be between letting them try to socialize without musical accompaniment and making everyone listen to the meddling guests' choice of music -- not only people who dislike background music but those who have different musical tastes. Miss Manners would have no trouble making that choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am familiar with wedding announcements. Is there an equivalent for deaths? Is the bereaved expected to send a notice to friends and relatives who are not nearby? Can this task be delegated to a family member?

GENTLE READER: Formal death notices, with black-bordered cards, do exist, but are not in common use in the United States. Miss Manners considers this exactly the sort of task that can be delegated to those people who keep asking, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Please let people know," can be the response, whether you hand over the address book of the deceased or simply mean that each person should inform whoever he or she knows who would be interested.

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A common custom is dying out: That of party-goers watching the guest of honor open presents.

A dismayed hostess reports giving showers at which the ladies being showered took home their presents unopened. "Is it now an acceptable practice not to open them with the guests present?" she laments.

The mother of a preschooler who has accompanied him to birthday parties at which the presents went unopened asks, "Am I wrong to want to buck this trend? I am planning a celebration for my son, who will turn 4, and I would like him to open his gifts in front of his guests because I feel that doing otherwise deprives them of the joy of seeing his excitement and gratitude."

Miss Manners, guardian of tradition, will be of no help or comfort to these Gentle Readers.

It is true that children's birthday parties and bridal and baby showers have long featured a routine whereby the guests gather around while the person being honored reads aloud the card on each present, opens them, and shows them or passes them around, publicly thanking each donor by name.

But frankly, this was not the best thought-out custom. At large gatherings, it would become tedious, putting a damper on conversation and a strain on expressing admiration for duplicate presents.

There are worse consequences now, because the circumstances at such events have changed for the worse. Too many people who are not particularly close to the honoree are likely to be invited -- whole classrooms, adult relatives and the parents' friends to children's birthday parties; and work colleagues and acquaintances to showers. That makes a lot of presents to open.

The stakes have also gotten higher. Token presents, chosen for their amusement value and because they said something -- preferably something charming -- about the recipient are rare. Children's presents have expanded to become a financial burden on the givers, and, from their numbers, of only passing interest to the recipients.

Furthermore, there are not likely to be any surprises when the packages are opened, thanks to the ubiquitous gift registry. This effectively eliminates surprise. The recipient dictates the choices and the donors buy from the list.

The result is a mere show of greed, envy and shame. Those 4-year-old guests are hardly likely to feel gratified, even if the host has been perfectly trained to express joy and excitement for everything -- the disappointments and the duplicates, along with the rest.

They are more likely to feel resentful that none of it is for them, and worried and embarrassed if their presents do not measure up to what others have given. Shower guests, as adults, should be more mature, but Miss Manners wouldn't bet on it.

She commends those who have noticed the problem and taken the step of abolishing the public show. She considers it a better solution than substituting charitable donations for presents, which can have the unintended consequence of turning a disappointed child against philanthropy.

Eschewing gift registries and agreeing on spending caps would still be valuable ways to rescue present-giving from the crude practice it has become. But Miss Manners considers killing the public opening to be a mercy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- My brother has a friend whose wife recently gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. My brother was about to talk to his friend for the first time since the birth and did not know what to say to him. He asked my advice and I suggested he simply say, "Congratulations on the birth of your baby." Was this good advice, or was more called for in this situation?

GENTLE READER -- That more would be called for is a dangerous thought that often leads to a cruel form of rudeness. Miss Manners reminds you that births are to be celebrated, not critiqued.

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