DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a left handed person, I am offended by your reply that in the act of marrying, a woman stands on the man's left side during the ceremony so she can take his right arm after they are married. Isn't it time that this practice change? Starting with you?

GENTLE READER: This is not the worst case of bigotry and discrimination of which Miss Manners has ever heard. Before you take to the streets in protest, you might consider that standing next to someone, and even offering or taking an arm, does not require use of the hand.

At any rate, if the bride uses her right arm to take the bridegroom's left arm during the ceremony, she uses her left arm to take his right arm for the recessional. Also, Jewish brides stand to the husband's right during the ceremony.

Need we go on, or have you calmed down?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son just turned 3-1/2. He has moderately severe hearing loss and wears hearing aids in both ears. As a result, he has even greater problems with volume control than the standard 3-year-old.

This Saturday afternoon, we were at the library. We looked at books for about 15 minutes, checked some out, and then stopped to put his snow suit on to go out. At this point, a man in his 50s came over to me and asked me to keep my son's voice down. I showed him the hearing aids and said that my son was doing the best he could.

The man was disdainful and walked off saying, "Excuses, excuses. Everybody has excuses."

I was cut to the quick and blush to admit that I called after him, "And you're perfect?"

Had we been inexcusably loud at any point, a librarian would have said something. As we were on our way out, could the man not have suffered another 15 seconds?

In any case, a stranger took it upon himself to school me. I should not have responded by showing him my son's disability and asking for tolerance. I didn't think I was trying to put him in his place, but it's possibly how the man felt. And it's possible that it is what I was trying to do, on an unconscious level. After all, parents are not famous for rational reactions when being approached about how they're handling their kids.

What would have been the polite reaction?

GENTLE READER: The offense that most concerns Miss Manners here is the one you committed against your son. Whether or not he picked up every word, he undoubtedly understood that he was being cited as a special case whose hearing loss excuses him from being considerate of others.

There are two bad lessons here, in addition to the embarrassment he will feel increasingly at being singled out. One is that he can get away with behavior that others cannot, and the other is that he doesn't quite fit in with normal people.

The stranger, while no great example of manners, was correct when he said that you offered an excuse instead of an apology. "Sorry we disturbed you" was all that was necessary.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional artist. I show my work frequently and sell many pieces. However, like many independent artists, I don't make as much money as others in regular, full-time employment. I am very lucky to have a supportive spouse helping to cover the household expenses.

When I tell people I am a full-time artist, they often ask if I make enough money to support myself. I usually answer truthfully, saying no, or not yet, and adding that my spouse helps support me.

However, I fear that answering this way leads people to look upon me as a dilettante or a housewife with a hobby, which I am not -- I am a serious professional building a career. I am aware that how much money I earn is nobody's business and I am not obliged to answer these questions at all. I would much appreciate any suggestions for deflecting them -- politely, of course.

GENTLE READER: "Yes, it's a sure road to easy riches. You should try it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young teenage daughter is pregnant. She is feeling very ashamed. I wanted to have a baby shower for her, hoping to lift her spirits a little. She said that would be nice, however, she doesn't want to be frowned upon for the mistake she made and the responsibility she is now trying to take care of. A lot of her so-called friends have abandoned her, and it appears that I am one of her only "friends." So the invitation list would include family and my friends.

Is it bad manners or etiquette to have a baby shower for a teenager, and is it "OK" for the mother (soon to be grandmother) to give this shower? I don't want her in 10 years to look back and say I really should have had a baby shower.

GENTLE READER: If you daughter is brooding about not having a baby shower when she is the mother of a 10-year-old, both of them will be in emotional trouble. But that is not to say that she doesn't need as much warm emotional support you and the family can give her now.

Showers are never properly given by relatives, but that is not why Miss Manners begs you not to call it that. Gathering your friends would only call poignant attention to the absence of your daughter's own friends. Also, can you be sure that they will be able to restrain themselves from offering her retroactive advice?

What would be charming, instead, would be to gather the closest family members, the ones who are unequivocally standing by her, or at least willing to do so now that they do not have a choice, to give her a layette for the baby as a welcome into the family.

And yes, of course Miss Manners realizes that it sounds like a shower. The difference is that it emphasizes the support she has rather than the support that is missing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What time is considered polite for adult children to be calling parents for casual conversation?

GENTLE READER: After dinner and before bedtime.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy the close friendship of another couple with whom we frequently socialize. Our social interactions range from expensive restaurant dinners to simple, little-or-no-cost coffee-and-cake get-togethers at each others' homes or family park outings with our children. Traditionally, each couple pays their own way at events that cost money. Whoever initiates the event generally has given the other a brief heads-up, such as "Do you want to take our kids to this concert? It costs $10 for adults, $5 for children," or "Should we try XYZ Restaurant? It's a little on the pricey side but supposed to be very good."

The primary purpose of our get-togethers is usually the enjoyment of each others' company, with the event or meal a fun secondary consideration. Sometimes, we all socialize with other couples, and at these get-togethers, the primary purpose may or may not be the event instead of the company.

Recently, the husband of this other couple lost his job. Since then, my husband and I have proposed only get-togethers of the variety that cost little or no money, making no mention of money at all. However, I fear the time will soon come when other couples may suggest pricier get-togethers where the pricey event will be the primary purpose.

In such a situation, is it kinder to invite our friends with the job loss, or refrain from inviting them? If we do invite them, is it kinder to give them a brief heads-up regarding the cost of the event, as we traditionally have done, or to make no mention of money at all?

GENTLE READER: The unemployed have the time and the frame of mind to brood. And Miss Manners assures you that the first time they hear of being left out of an excursion by the crowd that used to invite them, they will think they have been callously dropped.

You are tactful to suggest get-togethers that are free or cheap, although you ought also to continue your custom of mentioning any cost. Now, more than ever, they need to know. With other invitations, you should trust them to decide for themselves, rather than making it obvious that their reduced circumstances have altered the way you think of them, however kindly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently receive forwarded e-mails from family and friends that are verifiably fictitious. The e-mails implore the reader to "send this to everyone you know" or that "ABC company will donate 32 cents for every forwarded e-mail toward the care of Jane Doe who is 10 years old and needs an operation."

Would it be rude to reply to the sender and inform them that these charitable requests are just a hoax or let them continue to clutter up everyone's e-mail boxes?

GENTLE READER: Not to mention being fleeced themselves. Can Miss Manners trust you to do this without mentioning or implying that they are suckers? "I've heard that this is a scam -- you might check it out," is more tactful.

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