DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the tradition of having others pin money to your shirt on your birthday come about? How did this originate? Is it some modern take on an old tradition?

It just seems like a tasteless excuse to beg for money to me. Am I wrong?

In case you are new to it as well, here is a common scenario:

A person comes to school or work, usually arriving with some money already safety-pinned to his or her shirt. A lot of people who are aware of the tradition say, "Happy Birthday!" and donate some money.

The first time I saw this, I asked the birthday girl why she had money pinned to her shirt. She replied that it was her birthday and that people are free to add more. She was surprised that I did not know of the tradition. I felt really awkward, said "Oh, Happy Birthday!" and walked away.

I prefer writing cards for my friends' birthdays. They seem a lot more personal. For close friends and relatives, I generally give a present. Should I loosen up and donate to all of those, whom I wouldn't normally give a gift or a card, some money to pin to their shirt? Is it impolite not to donate?

Most of the time, I would never have known it was the person's birthday until I saw the birthday money. Obviously, these people are not close to me at all, but what happens if a close friend starts doing this? I need a lesson.

GENTLE READER: It is getting so that when Miss Manners hears the word "tradition" nowadays, she knows that 1) it is going to involve collecting money, and 2) it is not going to be something that has ever appeared in any etiquette archives, anywhere or at any time.

You may be assured that propriety does not require you to treat your colleagues like strippers trolling for tips, however much they would relish this. Nor are you required to pay them or, for that matter, your friends, for passing Go.

Miss Manners recommends your continuing to be puzzled about this peculiar procedure, no matter how many times it is explained to you, and to continue replying, "Oh, Happy Birthday" and moving on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that children nowadays refer to teachers as Ms. Smith. I was raised to address a teacher as Mrs. Smith (if she is married). I have a 13-week-old, and I want her to learn to call people as Miss, Ms., or Mrs. Am I being too old-fashioned? How should she address teachers?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is 13 weeks old, and you are already musing about getting her into trouble in school?

Miss Manners commends you for insisting on the use of titles, but not for quarreling about which one. As these methods of address are equally proper, you would put her in the position of defending a policy that is contrary to the general usage, and possibly disobeying her teacher's instructions.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have visitors who stay the night, I always have fluffy fresh towels and lovely glass jars with feminine products clearly visible, discreetly placed on a shelf by the toilet so guests won't have to embarrass themselves by asking me for them or go hunting for them under the sink. I keep a jar of orange juice, water and coffee cups out in view. where they can clearly be used for guests. And to my great joy, my guests DO take me up on these gestures and partake in my hospitality.

However, I think they take more than they should. For instance, on one visit, my guests 2 two inches worth of a bottle of very expensive salon shampoo of mine. They used an entire tube of toothpaste in one weekend. I find some of my nicest and prettiest body wash down to the last drop after they leave.

So I kindly and tactfully told the girlfriends of these fellas that though I love them as visitors, I don't love having to buy shampoo every week, and would they please encourage the guys to bring their own toiletries on visits. I also took to removing all my shampoo and soap from the shower before they arrive. Is this OK? Am I being unkind in doing these things?

GENTLE READER: Unkind to your idea of yourself as being hospitable, as you have set yourself up to chastise your guests.

Miss Manners recommends small bottles and tubes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are planning to get married soon with invites sent out and responses received. We have a beautiful son together who has an important role in our wedding. We have previously invited several people, mainly friends, who, since learning that our son will be participating, have become disagreeable. They have previously professed to adore our son even though they don't agree with the manner in which he was conceived. They are now being so rude that we no longer want them to attend the wedding. They don't believe children under 18 should be in a wedding or even allowed to attend a wedding, especially one conceived outside of wedlock. They believed we should have married before our son was born.

Is there any way to politely uninvite them even though they have already sent in their response cards saying that they will be here? Since they have announced this view, we haven't spent much time with them, as our son is so important to us .

GENTLE READER: There may be extreme cases in which an invited guest has to be barred from the wedding, in which case the form is to say, "Considering how you feel, we don't think you would be happy attending."

But if this were said to all those holding opinions about the courtship and the ceremony, everyone would get married in isolation. Mind you, Miss Manners considers it dreadful to voice such opinions even, as often happens, when the couple seem to discuss their plans thoroughly enough to appear to invite comment. However, she would suggest letting this go. They are unlikely to critique the wedding while it is going on and may well revert afterwards to saying how adorable your son is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several of my co-workers were recently laid off. Some of them are finishing up a few things for a week or two before they leave, and others left the same day.

What do you say to an acquaintance who was just laid off? It's a painful time for them, and I want to say "I'm sorry" or "Are there things I can do to help?" but I don't want to come across as pitying them, or as saying "Ha-ha -- I'm still here, and you're not, sucks to be you!"

I feel awful for these long-term co-workers, but I'm not a close enough friend to actually know what they would need or appreciate. I also feel guilty about still having my job, but this isn't a time to whine about me, it's a time to reach out to them.

A card seems stupid and pointless. A nonconversation sounds awkward and awful. Ignoring it seems worse. A gift certificate or some such seems to assume that they are in dire financial straits.

GENTLE READER: What about taking each one to lunch, your treat, and not bringing up the subject?

The gesture itself shows that you care, without any of the undertones that you fear. You will then be able to adjust your tone to the way each is handling it and offer practical help if it seems relevant. Miss Manners would consider this especially graceful if your invitation is made or repeated after they have left, to show that they are missed and not forgotten.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There's this very good close friend of mine who will be due to have her baby soon. A couple of months ago, we discussed baby names. As I knew she's having a girl, I asked if they had yet to pick a name for the baby. She told me her list of girl names she really liked.

Since we were on the topic and she's a very good friend that I trust, I also shared with her an original girl name I really liked. I'm not pregnant at this time, nor do I know when we'll be ready for a second child, much less guarantee that I'll have another girl. But it is a girl name I had kept to myself until then.

So we went out for supper and I asked her if they finally decided on a name. She still had her little list, but one of the names had changed to the one I had shared with her.

I immediately confronted her about it, but she brushed me off by saying she had heard the name only a couple of weeks ago from someone else.

I was furious, and it ruined the rest of my night with my girlfriends. I couldn't believe she would betray my trust. I want to know if I'm overreacting. And should I confront her with this?

GENTLE READER: Your friend may well have heard the name again from someone else. And if she uses it, she may find that half the girls in her daughter's kindergarten class, whose parents neither of you knows, have the same name.

How this happens is a mystery to Miss Manners, but she has noticed, over the years, how a name that seemed highly original when bestowed suddenly becomes the fad of the year.

So while you are indeed overreacting, it may be just as well that you cannot keep dibs on names. If and when you had occasion to use it, you could well be heartily sick of it.

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