DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am single, in my mid-30s and have a large social circle of friends, many also single or without children. Two of them have discovered they were unexpectedly going to have a baby, and I just received an e-mail invite to a football/diaper party from the father to be.

This was sent to almost 100 people, men and women, some from out of town and many that I would, at best, describe as acquaintances. In the invite, he acknowledges that some people may not even know they are having a baby (or know the girlfriend, for that matter).

The father-to-be states that he will provide beer and food and that the only thing guests need to bring are some diapers and/or wipes to help out with the baby. He then goes so far as to include a checklist of diaper sizes and closes by telling guests to forward the invite to anyone they may have missed.

Have I just entered the twilight zone? You do not invite people to a football party and then require them to supply diapers for your impending child -- I'll bring my own beer instead. He makes twice as much money as me (and I do quite well) and is in no way needy.

I also assume that an official baby shower will be forthcoming, something else requiring a gift and something generally thrown by someone other than the parent and reserved for female guests who are relatives or close personal friends of the mother-to-be.

Am I mistaken here? Have things really changed so much that this kind of invite is acceptable? I am embarrassed for them and question whether I even want to attend because I am so put off by this request. If I so choose to offer a baby gift at any time, it will be at my discretion and not as an entrance fee to watch a football game with my friends. I am at a loss.

GENTLE READER: Yes, things have changed; no, it is not acceptable; and yes, you are mistaken, because things are even worse than you think.

Nowadays it is only too likely that a mother-to-be will demand a shower or be given one by her relatives, that the invitations will go to everyone she and they have ever met, whether in town or not, and that guests will be told exactly what she wants them to buy to furnish the nursery and layette. By comparison, diapers are a bargain.

And thus what was once a sweet and playful little gathering of close friends has grown into a monstrous imposition. Why so-called guests go along with any of this, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend I see a few times a month insists on telling me that I look "tired" whenever she sees me.

It may be that I am tired on occasion, but even so, the comment irritates me. I'm in good health, and she has no reason to be concerned for my well-being. I realize this isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, but can you suggest a response for me the next time she tells me how tired I look?

GENTLE READER: "How strange -- I was fine until you said that."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because my job is to embrace cultural differences, I try to keep an open mind -- especially when it comes to food. However, I had a host who was preparing a food I know very well (it was not exactly a specialty of the region I was touring) and asked if I like it, which I most certainly do not. Because she was already well into her preparations, I didn't want her to feel obligated to make me something different, so I panicked and said that I didn't know it, and only took a small portion at dinner, reacting neutrally to it. For the rest of the week, she continued to serve me this food.

What would have been the polite thing to say in order to avoid this uncomfortable situation?

GENTLE READER: Was she preparing it in a pot the size of an oil drum?

The first time you were stuck, Miss Manners agrees. Perhaps even the second time, because you could hardly have expected a second dose. But surely that was the time to say, "Please allow me to take you out to dinner tomorrow. I'd like to try some of the regional specialties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a scheduling center for a large medical practice. We have a computer system that looks up patients by their last names and birthdays. After the computer searches, it gives me a list of results. I will typically ask ,"Is this (insert first name here)?"

However, sometimes the patient will have a first name that I cannot pronounce. Is it better to give it a try and attempt to say the name, or is it better to ask for their first name as well as the last? Some patients seem thrilled when I guess (especially if I get it right), but others just seem annoyed.

GENTLE READER: Why is this a problem? If you do not know how to pronounce their names, Miss Manners assures you that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms with them to address them by their first names.

Should you have trouble with a surname, you can add, after trying it, "Did I pronounce that right?" But Miss Manners forbids you to use that technique as an excuse to call patients by their first names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to respond to someone who tells you they "love" you when you don't necessarily feel the same way about them?

I don't mean in a romantic situation. Recently, my father's wife has started telling me she loves me and ending phone calls that way. We don't see each other very often and haven't known each other very long. While we have a perfectly cordial relationship, I don't feel love for her.

My reply is usually an awkward, "It's been great to talk to you" or "take care." These conversation enders make me uncomfortable. I sense she's expecting reciprocation and is sad when it doesn't come. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but don't feel right professing love I don't feel.

GENTLE READER: You may be able to get away with am enthusiastically declared compliment, such as "You're wonderful."

In a romantic situation, the you're-such-a-nice-person approach translates as "Forget it." But Miss Manners is guessing that your stepmother is hoping merely for acceptance, which can be conveyed in other ways.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a very noticeable family, as our children are black and my husband and I are white. As such, we draw an inordinate amount of attention.

While this was manageable when the girls were infants and couldn't really understand what was being said, now that they are getting older and are acquiring language, we are trying our best to learn how to field some of the questions that we get. While we are very happy with how we formed our family through adoption and are always happy to discuss our experience, preferably out of the girls' earshot, what leaves us stammering are questions such as "Where'd you get them?" "How much did they cost?" "Are they real siblings?" "Is their family dead?" "What'd they die of, AIDS?" "Couldn't you have your own children?"

I've tried asking with the slightest of remonstration "Excuse me?" but, of course, that just led them to believe that I couldn't hear what was being asked and the question was repeated even more loudly.

We want to equip our children with the tools to deal with these sorts of people, as they will be encountering them throughout their lives. And this is their story, their personal information being asked. I would never think to ask someone with a newborn, "So, how much was the hospital bill?" or "Do they all have the same father?" And, for the record, these are my own children.

On the other side of the coin are the generally very well-meaning people who say "God bless you for saving those children" or "They'll have such a better life now."

We merely wanted a family, we didn't adopt to "save" anyone, and I can't say that they will have a better life. Yes, there are things that we can provide that their family couldn't. But they also lost their family, their country, their language and their culture. Their life will be different, but I can't say that it will be better, and I don't ever want to dismiss what they have lost.

I also never, ever want them to feel indebted to us. They owe us nothing, or, at least, no more than any other child owes a parent, and I feel that these questions could easily make them feel like they should be grateful or thankful for being adopted.

What is the gracious way to handle these questions so that we can model for our children the appropriate responses?

GENTLE READER: Nosy people have already proven themselves to be rude, so you should hardly expect them to make tactful remarks. The important thing is to cut them off at the first question. The only explanation necessary is, "That's personal."

But you must also teach your daughters not to fall for two common arguments: that curiosity is natural and that people who don't disclose personal information must be ashamed of it. Dignified people value their privacy, and being curious is no excuse for demanding that it be satisfied. Under such pressure, they should merely smile and repeat "That's personal" as often as necessary.

: