DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let's say that you're throwing an informal social gathering You put together the guest list and invite around 20 people.

Somehow, by mistake, an additional person gets an invitation. The person is a casual acquaintance of yours. You neither like nor dislike him, it's just "someone you know." He has not made any unwarranted assumptions -- he did get an invitation, and has contacted you back and said, "Great, sounds like fun, I'll be there."

What would you do? Would you (a) call him and civilly cancel the invitation; (b) drop hints that you didn't really want him there (don't return his phone calls, etc.) and hope he gets the idea; (c) put another chair by the pool and buy one extra person's worth of food, drinks, etc.; or (d) some other option (if so, what)?

If you chose (c), how would you behave toward him at the social gathering? Any differently than toward your other guests? If so, how?

My friend who recently found herself in that situation, went for choice (b) and admitted this to me. (He did get the hint and didn't attend.) I've been trying to explain to her why the correct answers are (c) and "treat him like any other guest -- be friendly, thank him for coming, make him feel welcome, etc." -- and why it was rather generous of him to laugh the whole thing off and not even show a little mild annoyance. (He declined another invitation for the same day shortly after receiving her invitation.)

But so far, I've been unable to convince her -- maybe you can do better?

GENTLE READER: With someone who sees nothing wrong in insulting her own guest -- and for what? For accepting an invitation that she issued because she made a mistake. Miss Manners would hardly know where to begin.

Rather, she would caution you about calling such a person a friend. One mistake -- on your friend's part -- and you may be in trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have moved into a new house, and the real estate agent we dealt with went far above and beyond what one has come to expect. As a result, I decided to invite the young lady over for dinner.

She arrived promptly at 6:30 p.m. and we had an enjoyable dinner together. After the meal, we went back into the living room for some further conversation.

I am not usually one who runs out of things to say, but this time even I was seriously challenged as the hours passed. She did not leave until 12:40 a.m.! It became embarrassing, as there were gaps in the conversation whilst we all just sat and looked at one another, all the while trying to stifle our yawns.

What should I have said to have brought the evening to an end at a much more civilized time? I certainly did not want to hurt her feelings.

GENTLE READER: Nor did she want to hurt yours by appearing to leave too soon. Too bad her watch had stopped.

That malfunction is a problem that Miss Manners believes a good hostess should ignore. However, when you can stand it no longer, you may rise to your feet and say warmly, "What a pleasure it was to have you here. Thank you so much for coming." If you keep standing, she will get up. Presuming that she hasn't already dozed off.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I attended an inaugural ball for a local official, the invitation specifically stated that the dress code was black tie. Being that the affair was in winter, I went to great lengths to find an evening dress that looked like winter attire.

I was appalled to see the number of woman at the ball with strapless, chiffon, light-material dresses. I always thought that strapless dresses in the winter were acceptable if the material was velvet or some other heavier material. I also thought that light, pastel colors should not be worn in the winter months. Several gowns were light, spring-like colors.

GENTLE READER: Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows all about seasonal rules for colors and materials. But she also knows that most people do not get multiple use out of inaugural ball gowns, and therefore cuts them a bit of (chiffon) slack.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the CEO of a local nonprofit organization. When we had a grand opening for a new feature in our museum, our board president, his wife, a U.S. Congressman, local dignitaries and many well-wishers were in attendance. After the ribbon-cutting ceremony, we all moved to another room so that some of the VIPs could say a few words about our accomplishment.

There were five of us (including the congressman and our board president) at the front of the room, speaking and taking questions from the press. You can imagine my surprise and embarrassment when I saw the president's wife in the audience making funny faces at us complete with hand gestures to the ears, etc.

I was aghast at her behavior, and I can't imagine what the congressman thought. I ignored the entire display as if it was not happening, offering no apologies to the congressman or anyone else.

Should I have pulled the board president aside and asked him if his wife was totally nuts or just boorish and had no idea how to behave in public? (I'm kidding, of course.)

What was the correct way to handle this? I am at a total loss to understand how she felt her actions were appropriate for the occasion.

GENTLE READER: Hand gestures to the ears? Please tell Miss Manners that you do not mean that the board president's wife stuck her thumbs in her ears and wiggled her fingers. She only cupped her ears to suggest that the speaker talk louder -- didn't she?

Speaking of what is between the ears, Miss Manners has been noticing that an increasing number of people seem to have something missing there. That would be the little mechanism that controls a mischievous impulse so that it is not expressed outwardly.

Fortunately, yours is working: It is what made you think that it would not be a good idea to ask your board president, "So is your wife totally nuts or just boorish?"

For whatever reason, this lady's is not working. But since she did not single out an individual to insult or disrupt the event, apologizing would only have called attention to it.

But why the member of Congress particularly? Surely he is the most likely to have seen such goings on before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family received in the mail a pre-printed postcard announcement of the impending birth of the first child of a cousin. We live in the same city and see them several times a year.

While pleased about their expected first child, I find the announcement of a baby through a pre-printed postcard to be rude, impersonal and tacky. They couldn't take five minutes to pick up the phone and tell us? My husband's view is "at least they told us," and he thinks I'm making too big a deal out of the postcard announcement.

Is this a new trend among young people? (The couple is in their early 20s.)

GENTLE READER: Let us hope not. An "impending birth" is, indeed, an event to be confided to relatives and friends, although not necessarily the moment after it becomes known. But Miss Manners hates to think of where making the stages of pre-birth into a formal announcement could be going.

She trusts, however, that you will be the one to pick up the telephone and give your good wishes as heartily as if the couple had blushingly told the news -- or waited to make an announcement until they actually had a baby to announce.

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