DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the CEO of a local nonprofit organization. When we had a grand opening for a new feature in our museum, our board president, his wife, a U.S. Congressman, local dignitaries and many well-wishers were in attendance. After the ribbon-cutting ceremony, we all moved to another room so that some of the VIPs could say a few words about our accomplishment.

There were five of us (including the congressman and our board president) at the front of the room, speaking and taking questions from the press. You can imagine my surprise and embarrassment when I saw the president's wife in the audience making funny faces at us complete with hand gestures to the ears, etc.

I was aghast at her behavior, and I can't imagine what the congressman thought. I ignored the entire display as if it was not happening, offering no apologies to the congressman or anyone else.

Should I have pulled the board president aside and asked him if his wife was totally nuts or just boorish and had no idea how to behave in public? (I'm kidding, of course.)

What was the correct way to handle this? I am at a total loss to understand how she felt her actions were appropriate for the occasion.

GENTLE READER: Hand gestures to the ears? Please tell Miss Manners that you do not mean that the board president's wife stuck her thumbs in her ears and wiggled her fingers. She only cupped her ears to suggest that the speaker talk louder -- didn't she?

Speaking of what is between the ears, Miss Manners has been noticing that an increasing number of people seem to have something missing there. That would be the little mechanism that controls a mischievous impulse so that it is not expressed outwardly.

Fortunately, yours is working: It is what made you think that it would not be a good idea to ask your board president, "So is your wife totally nuts or just boorish?"

For whatever reason, this lady's is not working. But since she did not single out an individual to insult or disrupt the event, apologizing would only have called attention to it.

But why the member of Congress particularly? Surely he is the most likely to have seen such goings on before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family received in the mail a pre-printed postcard announcement of the impending birth of the first child of a cousin. We live in the same city and see them several times a year.

While pleased about their expected first child, I find the announcement of a baby through a pre-printed postcard to be rude, impersonal and tacky. They couldn't take five minutes to pick up the phone and tell us? My husband's view is "at least they told us," and he thinks I'm making too big a deal out of the postcard announcement.

Is this a new trend among young people? (The couple is in their early 20s.)

GENTLE READER: Let us hope not. An "impending birth" is, indeed, an event to be confided to relatives and friends, although not necessarily the moment after it becomes known. But Miss Manners hates to think of where making the stages of pre-birth into a formal announcement could be going.

She trusts, however, that you will be the one to pick up the telephone and give your good wishes as heartily as if the couple had blushingly told the news -- or waited to make an announcement until they actually had a baby to announce.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I leave the table during a meal, I place my napkin in the seat of my chair. I understood this was the correct thing to do. Why, I'm not sure. But I've always imagined it was to save my dinner partners the sight of my possibly dirty, definitely crumpled napkin.

Often, at a restaurant, the waiter will put my napkin folded and back at my place setting when I am gone. I'm pretty confident the waiter is not replacing my old napkin with a new, clean one because I've seen this situation happen to my husband's napkin when he left the table. Sometimes I see the tell-tale signs of salad dressing or whatnot that identifies the replaced napkin as my old one.

If the waiters are just putting my old napkin back, is it wrong? If you answer is in my favor, I'll have something to send the manager to let him know he needs to retrain his staff. If my assumption about the reasons behind this custom are correct, I'd guess it is wrong. And potentially gross.

GENTLE READER: Not half as gross as the reason people give for objecting to the correct method of leaving the napkin on the chair, as you did. Miss Manners will spare you what they insist is transferred from a seat chair to their mouths (what are they doing -- chewing their napkins?), but you can probably guess. However, you might be treated to this if you attempt to instruct the restaurant manager about how to train his staff.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a PhD student at a large university. His department has had several social events that we have attended together that are held specifically for "community building" purposes, so that students and professors can socialize outside of the classroom and we new students (and spouses) may feel less alienated in our new community.

Some of the professors are very welcoming, but others are somewhat aloof. The problem is that when I see some of these people in public that I met at these events, they don't recognize me.

Some of these professors have been teaching for 20 years or more, and they have hundreds of students per semester. I'm sure that they are recognized all the time by people that they don't remember, and I don't really expect that they would recognize me. I wouldn't worry about running into more casual colleagues of my husband's, but this morning I ran into his adviser, to whom my husband is professionally closer. Should I reintroduce myself, which may result in an awkward exchange, or should I greet only the people who recognize me?

GENTLE READER: You should do your part at community building, whatever that is, by offering cheerful greetings to people whom you recognize. Most will have the sense merely to offer return greetings without letting on that they haven't the faintest idea who you are. They will have figured out that this is easier than trying to memorize the names and faces of students and their spouses every semester.

For longer encounters where identity might matter, Miss Manners considers it polite to spare them. Saying "I'm Emmeline Tortle; my husband Rocky is so pleased to have you as an adviser" will enable an astute professor to say "Yes, yes, of course."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a town that bestows standing ovations as routinely as one draws breath. As a child, I was taught that one gets to one's feet when the performer is at the absolute top of his game and has moved one deeply. Otherwise, one applauds appreciatively, or, in some cases, politely.

Within two weeks, I attended a number of events where standing ovations occurred: choral music at an evening church service, an annual meeting in which certificates of appreciation were handed out, a concert performance by three tenors, a high school performance by students, and a bar association luncheon at which 1,000 lawyers leaped to their feet both at the appearance of the speaker (a Supreme Court Justice) at the podium and at the conclusion of his presentation.

All events were enjoyable and interesting. None qualified as "top of their game" and/or emotionally moving.

Am I hopelessly out of touch (always a possibility)? Just being a curmudgeon at my resistance to peer pressure? I do not wish to be unkind but find all this aggravating.

GENTLE READER: It is called Ovation Inflation, and serious aesthetes deplore it. It leaves them with no way of expressing real joy.

Performers ought to deplore it, as well, because it precludes enjoying a genuine triumph. Instead, many have taken to seeding the reaction by applauding their fellow performers and occasionally, Miss Manners regrets to say, themselves.

Sharing your regrets -- and let's not have any of those "out of touch" insults for proper behavior -- Miss Manners urges you to sit these ovations out with quiet dignity, waiting for those special moments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were embarrassed by the gift we brought to an engagement party we went to last year.

We bought a funny relationship-comedy DVD and a box of popcorn to pop while the couple watched it. We thought it was a fun gift for them to enjoy during the stress of planning a wedding. The cost of the gift was probably $10. After all, it is still just an engagement that can be broken at any time.

However, when the engagees decided to open their presents in front of the group, we saw that they were receiving big-ticket items such as televisions and microwaves and other large gifts more typical of wedding presents.

What is the appropriate gift for an engagement party? Especially if, as in my situation, you are close with the bride and will also be buying a bridal shower gift and then the wedding gift? Or perhaps you are even a member of the bridal party and will have further expenses. Buying so many gifts for the same couple can get a little tiring -- and expensive!

GENTLE READER-- Making embarrassment sound like the best choice.

However, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to be embarrassed. You gave a thoughtful little present, appropriate to the occasion, and if others choose to give two or more sets of what are, in effect, wedding presents, do not let it bother you.

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