DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a town that bestows standing ovations as routinely as one draws breath. As a child, I was taught that one gets to one's feet when the performer is at the absolute top of his game and has moved one deeply. Otherwise, one applauds appreciatively, or, in some cases, politely.

Within two weeks, I attended a number of events where standing ovations occurred: choral music at an evening church service, an annual meeting in which certificates of appreciation were handed out, a concert performance by three tenors, a high school performance by students, and a bar association luncheon at which 1,000 lawyers leaped to their feet both at the appearance of the speaker (a Supreme Court Justice) at the podium and at the conclusion of his presentation.

All events were enjoyable and interesting. None qualified as "top of their game" and/or emotionally moving.

Am I hopelessly out of touch (always a possibility)? Just being a curmudgeon at my resistance to peer pressure? I do not wish to be unkind but find all this aggravating.

GENTLE READER: It is called Ovation Inflation, and serious aesthetes deplore it. It leaves them with no way of expressing real joy.

Performers ought to deplore it, as well, because it precludes enjoying a genuine triumph. Instead, many have taken to seeding the reaction by applauding their fellow performers and occasionally, Miss Manners regrets to say, themselves.

Sharing your regrets -- and let's not have any of those "out of touch" insults for proper behavior -- Miss Manners urges you to sit these ovations out with quiet dignity, waiting for those special moments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were embarrassed by the gift we brought to an engagement party we went to last year.

We bought a funny relationship-comedy DVD and a box of popcorn to pop while the couple watched it. We thought it was a fun gift for them to enjoy during the stress of planning a wedding. The cost of the gift was probably $10. After all, it is still just an engagement that can be broken at any time.

However, when the engagees decided to open their presents in front of the group, we saw that they were receiving big-ticket items such as televisions and microwaves and other large gifts more typical of wedding presents.

What is the appropriate gift for an engagement party? Especially if, as in my situation, you are close with the bride and will also be buying a bridal shower gift and then the wedding gift? Or perhaps you are even a member of the bridal party and will have further expenses. Buying so many gifts for the same couple can get a little tiring -- and expensive!

GENTLE READER-- Making embarrassment sound like the best choice.

However, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to be embarrassed. You gave a thoughtful little present, appropriate to the occasion, and if others choose to give two or more sets of what are, in effect, wedding presents, do not let it bother you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recall reading in one of your works about the system ladies used to use when paying social calls -- that after a while, because it was boring, people would just leave their cards, and had a system of bending the corners to signal various things.

Well, I am not in a position to revive the custom, but I am a biomedical informatics student designing a software program that involves boxes used to give information and for which a corner-based way of signaling various things would be very useful. (This is part of my PhD dissertation work.)

I've found that information systems that humans develop over time and experience can be better than things that a single person just dreamed up, so I was wondering if you would be willing to describe the old system.

GENTLE READER: It is a relief to Miss Manners that you do not intend to revive the system of social calls. It was enormously time-consuming, for both the callers and the horses, and thank goodness someone finally invented the telephone. That was a nuisance in its own way, and thank goodness someone finally invented e-mail.

It really is necessary to keep in touch with one's acquaintance, however, so we use available tools. Dealing with the daily e-mail from people who want to keep in touch by sharing rumors, jokes, wedding pictures, health scares, baby pictures, wish lists, political diatribes and party pictures is probably not much more time-consuming than ordering the carriage and driving around, scattering cards at people's houses.

The original system consisted of actual calls paid in the late afternoon for not more than a quarter of an hour each. In addition to next-day calls to one's hostess of the night before, there were obligatory calls to congratulate, to condole, to say goodbye when one was leaving town, to meet the new neighbors and so on. As they all had to be returned, you can imagine how sick of one another people became.

So the custom was abbreviated, as you noted, to leaving cards -- inquiring whether someone was home, being told she was not and escaping immediately, leaving behind a pasteboard card with one's name for proof of intention. The sentiment once conveyed directly was reduced to the symbol of the bent card edge: The upper left indicated that you were just paying a visit, the upper right that you offered congratulations, the lower right that you offered condolences and the lower left that you were taking leave.

How fortunate we are that we have a range of tools for different situations. We can offer serious thanks and congratulations with handwritten letters and trivial ones by e-mail. Condolences still require a visit from intimates and a letter from other acquaintances, but moving away requires electronic notification so that new addresses may be entered into the computer. Unless, of course, you are moving away from a romance. That still requires a visit, or at least an attempted visit.

Miss Manners hopes this has contributed to your scholarship.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband and I were together for five years. Even though he wanted the divorce, it took him nearly two years to move on. He recently started dating someone again, and I am happy for him. (I kept urging him to move on -- we are still friends.)

He recently sent our son a card, and his new girlfriend signed it. They have been dating (to my knowledge) less than two months. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this tacky?

What is the proper etiquette when dealing with a father's girlfriend, who the child has never met (they live across country)?

GENTLE READER-- Before Miss Manners admits that this is questionable, she would like to know what use you plan to make of the information. The correct answer would be "none."

Yes, a child should not be confronted with a stranger taking the unwarranted, or at least premature, position of a step-parent. But let it go. Trust Miss Manners, you do not want to get into this with someone whose manners are not under your jurisdiction and who may, indeed, turn out to become a step-parent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are on a tight budget and are planning a small, family-only wedding. My mother would like to throw us an engagement party, a work buddy wants to give me a shower, and I'd love to have a bachelorette party with my girlfriends.

Many people that would attend these events would not be invited to the wedding. I've heard from several sources that to not invite these people to the wedding is the height of rudeness.

Is that true? Do I really have to give up these special events because my fiance and I can't afford a big wedding? Please help!

GENTLE READER: Help with what? The notion that every bride is entitled to a series of parties? And that people are happy to attend such events even if their presence is not sought for the wedding itself?

These people are, presumably, your friends, so you are in a better position than Miss Manners to guess their reactions. What you have to keep making clear is that you are not favoring some friends over others, in which case it would be extraordinarily rude to expect the unchosen to do the minor celebrations only to be excluded from the main one.

What you are doing, you must explain, is being married privately, with only family present. It would be in bad taste to plead budget considerations. Hard as it may be to believe, there are people who simply prefer not to surround their marriage ceremonies with extravaganzas.

Then talk to your mother about who, in her circle and yours, are close enough to be delighted if she says something like, "Emmeline will be married with just the family there, but I'm throwing a little party where she and Emmet can see the people we care about."

You should permit the work shower only if it is customary in your office to mark colleagues' weddings in this small way without further expectations. And as for showers and other gatherings of your friends -- they are not for you to propose. Should friends come forth and offer to give them, confining their guest lists to those who understand the situation, Miss Manners will not object.

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