DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a female cousin who was married this past summer. She married another woman in Canada and moved back here to the States. I was wondering how to address her Christmas card this year.

I haven't met her partner and we weren't invited to the ceremonies, but I would still like for us to keep in contact with them. I only know her partner's first name.

Should I address it with my cousin's first and last name only, or her partner's first name and my cousin's last name in addition to my cousin's name? I would like her to know that she is a valued part of our family also.

GENTLE READER: So valued that you might take the trouble to learn her name?

There is no guessing at married ladies' names these days, whether they marry gentlemen or other ladies. And there should be no embarrassment about asking -- it is not like forgetting a name you are expected to know. That should be an immediate question when you hear of a marriage if the couple has not made it clear.

You could still ask -- your cousin or another relative who would know. Miss Manners is willing to save you the trouble, but only if you promise to write down the answer so you will have it for next year and also promise to develop the habit of asking brides what their married names will be.

Address the card to your cousin alone, but inside the card, address your good wishes to "Dear Annalise and Priscilla," and include a parenthetical note asking what surnames they are using.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When asking for an opinion, what are the rights and duties of both the requesting and advising parties?

Does the requesting party have any duty to implement the advising party's advice?

Does the advising party have any right to expect total or partial implementation of the advice given?

GENTLE READER: No, and no. A prudent person collects and considers advice from many trustworthy sources before making a judgment.

However, the chances of encountering prudent people seem slimmer every day, so Miss Manners would advise you to be careful.

When giving advice, remember that most people who appear to be asking for your wise counsel are merely seeking approval of what they have already decided to do. Others only know what they want to do when others advise them to the contrary.

When you are asking, she advises you to make it clear that you are still in the pondering stage and to remember to say,

after thanking an adviser profusely, "I will certainly take this under advisement."

And Miss Manners promises not to check whether you follow this advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my husband very recently. There were many friends and family at his memorial. However, how do I tell the people, distant family, friends with whom we exchange Christmas cards? Do I just sign my name and let it go at that? I am really struggling with this and would very much appreciate your input.

GENTLE READER: You are excused, this year, from writing Christmas cards, which are generally expected to convey cheer. Spreading the sad news is a task that can be spread among those people who said, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," although Miss Manners hopes that they will not mix this assignment with their own Christmas messages.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just started law school, where professionalism is part of the education. At this point, I would be grateful just for respect and common courtesy.

The trouble arises in one class where there are no assigned seats. One of my classmates saves a seat for her friend. The first time, I acquiesced. The second time, I put my hands on the chair before sitting down and said I was going to sit there, whereupon she snatched it away, saying I wasn't. The third time, when I announced my intention to sit next to her she piled all of her possessions onto it. I am at a loss as to how to respond to such immature behavior.

As an aside, the first two times her friend could have just as easily sat on her other side. The friend suggested that we consult our professor, but he declined to become involved other than as a last resort.

GENTLE READER: What are you two doing in law school? Your idea of conflict resolution is tug o' war and run tattling to Teacher. Please remind Miss Manners never to hire either of you to represent her.

In the interest of relieving your understandably exasperated professor, she will explain briefly how civilized societies are regulated.

Rules, customs and laws are designed to make them run smoothly and, with any luck, justly and even gracefully. Etiquette governs the minor rules and customs, just as law governs the laws. However, in contrast to law, which has the power to fine or confine violators, etiquette requires voluntary compliance, and violating it incurs only disapproval and exclusion.

So why should anyone comply?

You and the other student might have done so to avoid disapproval: enmity toward each other, the possible annoyance of other students who heard you quarrelling, and the likely irritation of your professor as he declined to become involved. For the sake of the profession you have both chosen, you should also adhere to the belief that trivial matters should be settled without recourse to the awful majesty of the law.

Instead, you both chose to pursue a questionable dispute over a chair, and to do so rudely. Saving a seat is usually countenanced, provided one does not try to save a large number of them, or to allow late arrivals who disrupt things. In any case, trying to do so is not an act of war.

The conflict could have been handled politely, with your asking, "Do you mind if I sit here?" and her saying, "I'm sorry, I promised to save this for my friend" -- and resolved in your favor by your arriving early for the next class and taking whatever seat you chose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I were discussing what a proper lady would carry in her purse. Since we cannot come to an agreement, could you help us?

GENTLE READER: A clean handkerchief and enough money to get home if she needs to use the handkerchief because she has been taken ill or made to cry.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been hiking a certain trail for many years. The first half-mile or so is smooth and flat, so it's not uncommon to find beginners and nonhikers out for a stroll. There is one rock that offers a lovely view. People often climb on it and snap pictures or sit down for a break. However, this rock also sports a gorgeous patch of poison ivy, just a few inches from where I see people standing. I usually say something like, "You do know that's poison ivy, right?" or "The poison ivy is so lovely in the fall when it turns red!"

My concern is that other members of my own party tell me that it is rude to tell other people about the ivy. I can see how it could be annoying to hear it from a stranger, and I do occasionally hear a, "Yes, I know," but more often than not, the people I address have no idea that it isn't just a pretty vine.

So what is best? Should I offer unsolicited advice or leave the newbies to itch? It may be relevant that I only rarely see people sitting in the poison ivy. Usually, they're just next to it.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were sitting by a patch of poison ivy, she wouldn't care who told her as long as someone did.

Do your friends not believe that etiquette makes allowances for emergencies? Would they hesitate to grab a stranger if he were going underwater for the third time? Would they refrain from screaming at you just because they saw you stepping into quicksand?

If so, you might consider finding other companions for your excursions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever appropriate to hire a babysitter to assist with guests' children? At our Thanksgiving meal, two toddlers and a 5-year-old were dismissed by their parents from the table while parents lingered over dessert and coffee.

I jumped up and tried to run interference while topping off coffee cups and clearing away plates, but the three children with minimal supervision managed to wreck my home.

I do have a child-friendly area, complete with age-appropriate toys -- but toddlers seem to be drawn to electronic equipment -- especially remotes, Tiffany lamps and first-edition, mint-condition books.

When they come over at Christmas for another family meal, would it be rude to have a babysitter on hand to assist the children with their plates, and then direct their activities away from my rugs and antiques when the children are through with their meals?

GENTLE READER: These people are related to you, Miss Manners gathers, so you can no more refrain from inviting them than you can pass off a babysitter as your child-loving cousin.

No matter. You are not providing this service because you disapprove of their child-rearing, still less because you want to protect your furniture. You are doing it, as you will explain before the children have had a chance to do any wrecking, to give the young ones some fun and their parents a carefree visit.

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