DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my significant other has said that, when a group of people are dining together, the conversation is foremost.

Therefore, she says, whenever someone starts talking, good manners dictate that everyone else should stop eating and put down their forks, and she says we should do this even if no one else does. (At least she has the good manners not to inform the others of this supposed requirement when we are dining with a group.)

I keep telling her that her idea about dining etiquette is ridiculous. If there is continuous back-and-forth conversation and everyone did as she thinks they should, nothing would get eaten and the food would eventually get cold. (The picture comes to my mind of everyone's silverware being put on their plates in clicking unison whenever someone starts talking and being picked up again in unison when that person stops talking, with the process repeating when someone responds to the previous speaker.)

I can't get her to understand that her idea has no basis in the rules of etiquette. Am I right in this? What say you?

GENTLE READER: Where did she get that rule? From a list headed "How to Kill a Dinner Party"?

Not only would the food grow cold, but so would the conversation. Can you imagine yourself making an amusing little observation to your dinner partner, only to look up and see all those staring, hungry eyes?

Please tell the lady that the rule forbids talking with your mouth full; it does not forbid listening with your mouth full.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: According to my dictionary, a lady is described as: 1. originally, a woman of authority over a house or an estate, of the same rank as a lord; 2. a well-bred woman; a woman of good family or of high social position; a gentlewoman.

Please advise me, has the definition of a "lady" changed so that a female addressed as such should be offended? Just recently, this happened in my presence. The female addressed is most certainly highly regarded -- as on a pedestal (the highest respect).

GENTLE READER: But she was no lady.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year I will be hosting a rather large Thanksgiving dinner for family. My sister-in-law will be bringing her boyfriend, who is vegetarian. I had planned on offering several vegetarian options, as I want him to feel welcome.

My sister-in-law informed my husband they preferred that no meat be served, but if we insisted, could we make sure not to cook meat/nonmeat items in the oven at the same time, and could we refrain from ceremoniously carving the turkey at the table? How should I handle this request?

GENTLE READER: With the firm conviction that you are graciously attending to the needs of a guest by making sure that he will have enough to eat, and need not let him take over the running of the household.

You might also suggest to your sister that Thanksgiving, with its food rituals, may not be the best holiday to which to bring the gentleman. Should he become a member of the family, Miss Manners would think your sister-in-law would want to hold family Thanksgiving at their house, where they will be in charge.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, I will find myself in a group of people including a very young child or a very elderly person.

In an effort to engage either this junior or senior person in conversation (thinking I might be able to glean some wisdom from the older person), I will ask them some simple question.

Invariably, some well-meaning "buttinski" in the group, usually a parent or relative, will interrupt with an "I know, I know" answer to the question, appointing themself spokesperson for this individual, mindlessly pontificating and being oblivious to the fact that I'm not really looking for an answer to that simple question; I'm just trying to get this youngster or oldster to talk a bit.

How do the parents of young kids ever expect their kids to develop the art of conversation when they never let them answer for themselves, even if it's to the simplest of questions that they may happen to know the answer to?

How do I gently prepare the buttinskis of the world in advance so they don't feel free to jump in with answers to the simple questions I use to try to talk to a child or old person?

GENTLE READER: And what do you think?

No, Miss Manners is not shirking her job here by using that clever therapeutic technique of throwing the question back to the questioner so she can get back to woolgathering.

Rather, she is suggesting that after the wrong person has answered the question, you turn again to the person you had asked and repeat it. What you are doing is charming and important, and Miss Manners hopes that the repetition will not only begin a conversation but make your point to the person who tried to thwart it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a conversation with a friend that has left me in a guilt-stew all day long. She and her 17-year-old daughter are coming to my house for Thanksgiving. None of us wants to cook, so we decided to order a commercially prepared Thanksgiving meal. The price came to $100-plus, and I said, "We're splitting this three ways, right? You're paying for you and your daughter, and I'm paying for myself."

Her response indicated that this was a surprise to her, as I am her daughter's "Auntie" Alice. I'm thinking, "And so?" What am I missing?

The girl and I are not close like family, though we get along well when we're in each other's presence. I rarely sign birthday cards "Auntie Alice" because Ijust don't feel like an aunt, and she doesn't call meanything, I'm assuming to avoid the Auntie label hermother applied to me.

She and her mother live about a three-hour drive away so we don't see each other frequently, and I never call the daughter nor she me. I might forward a funny e-mail to her, but that's aboutthe extent of our relationship.

Why do I feel guilty?! What I'm really asking is what did the situation call for?

GENTLE READER: You feel guilty because squabbling over money with guests whom you have invited to your house does not exactly come under the definition of What Thanksgiving Means to Me. Miss Manners suggests that in honor of the occasion, you let it go, saying graciously that you will allow your friend to get the bill next time.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Receiving a citation from a law enforcement officer, in person, is generally a very unpleasant surprise (for example, when being stopped for speeding). However, at the conclusion of such interaction, it seems dismissing the officer with a "thank you" after receipt of the citation is awkwardly impotent. I can think of no other appropriate -- yet polite and neutral phrase -- to dismiss the officer after such an involuntary transaction has transpired that would serve to acknowledge receipt, yet not necessarily be thankful for, such notice.

Does it not seem unreasonable to thank an authority for meting out punishment, warranted or otherwise? Or is saying "thank you" an immediate surcharge of swallowing one's pride in addition to the punitive charge being levied?

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that you do not feel grateful to the kind officer for rescuing you from potentially dangerous behavior?

If not, do you not see the advantage of two polite words that hint that you do? Miss Manners has never heard of a simple "thank you" being used in court as evidence of guilt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, whenever I eat in a restaurant, I find myself uncomfortable, as the waiters have begun asking something along the lines of "Does everything taste OK?" or "Does your food taste alright?"

I know it is a small difference from "Is everything alright?" - - which was mildly odd to me -- or the former "May I bring you anything?"

To be honest, I enjoyed eating out more when the waiter just quietly came around refilling water glasses and looking to see what might be required, while giving the opportunity for the customer to request anything that was not easily observed to be needed.

However, it seems those days are now gone and the "friend" who is "taking care of me" feels the need to inquire. However, asking me if "the food tastes OK?" seems to be a too detailed inquiry. Obviously, if the food tasted bad, I would discreetly bring it to the attention of the staff. At the same time, it seems to suggest that the kitchen, having tried to pass off spoiled food, has now sent the waiter around to find out if I noticed. At a recent dinner when I mentioned this, several people said that they thought it was polite and appropriate of the waiter to inquire in this way. Am I just being too fussy?

GENTLE READER: For not preferring your new friend the waiter to your older friends with whom you had hoped to converse?

Some day, Miss Manners is going to succeed in tracing the person who writes those waiter scripts that are suddenly adopted in every restaurant: "I'll be your waiter," "Are you still working on that?" "Enjoy" "Is everything all right?" and the mid-bite inquiry you report.

These are not utterances that sprang to their minds, and they are not as ingratiating as whoever mandated them seems to think. While it is important to have a waiter within reach -- or someone who can find your waiter -- it is annoying to have one interrupting your conversation, especially to prompt compliments. And while your mouth is full, at that.

: