DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I being rude if I refuse to stop to talk to environmentalists collecting money on the street?

Over the summer, it seems like they're on every corner of campus. They're always friendly and cheerful, and want to know "Do you care about the environment?"

Why yes, I do. But I like to decide which charities to give to, after doing some research and making sure the charity I choose is cost-effective, and that I agree with all of its goals. Since I already know that I'm not going to give them money, I don't want to waste my time (or theirs) in a nonproductive conversation.

But on the other hand, it seems rude not to stop. I do think that if someone wants to talk to you, it's not polite to ignore them.

GENTLE READER: While commending your attitude, Miss Manners is left wondering how you manage to get to class or down any city block. Accosting strangers is a technique shared by the charitable, the impoverished and the lonely, and their numbers add up.

You are not obliged to hold conversations with any of these people, but it is courteous to acknowledge their existence, or at least that of such strangers who are not suggesting that you date them. A quick "sorry" as you pass is enough to do that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am receiving invitations to baby showers from my own friends to showers for their daughters or daughters-in-law who live in another state or whom I hardly know.

During a planned visit by the daughter or daughter-in-law, the soon-to-be grandmother either plans a shower herself or leans on a close friend to throw a shower. While the birth of a grandchild is a joyous occasion, the expectation of some grandmothers is approaching inappropriate. It was even suggested by one grandmother that her own friends would be more financially able to furnish the nursery than her daughter's friends.

In my day, baby-shower invitations were sent to friends of the expectant parents, not friends of the grandparents, and expectant parents did not travel the country for baby showers. Expectant parents also understood that the responsibility of furnishing a nursery was their own.

The custom of sending out birth announcements to extended family and friends was a far more genteel means of providing mailing information for those who wanted to mail a gift after the baby's birth. Has the etiquette for baby showers changed in the 25 years since I had my last child?

GENTLE READER: It is not the etiquette that has changed, Miss Manners assures you; it is the willingness of people to abide by it.

Parties such as showers and birthday parties are now commonly planned solely for the gratification of the honorees (who are commonly the hosts or the hosts' relatives), without consideration being given to the enjoyment of the guests, whose contributions are blatantly solicited.

Fortunately, attendance at parties is optional. You owe your friends your congratulations and good wishes; you do not owe them any form of child support.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my 50s, have never been married and I have no children, sisters, nieces or nephews. Being the only granddaughter, I inherited two diamond engagement rings from my grandmothers. They both have great sentimental value to me.

Would it be improper to wear them on my right-hand fingers? It's a waste to let nice rings just sit in a box. The only other (expensive) solution would be to take the stones out and reset them in a pendent necklace or something like that. I would rather just wear them as rings, as long as it doesn't cause people to ask questions like: "Why are you wearing an engagement ring on your right hand?"

GENTLE READER: Although she is not responsible for the foolish remarks people make, Miss Manners must point out that these are not engagement rings when you are wearing them, as indeed you should do. Not every diamond solitaire is an engagement ring (nor are all engagement rings diamonds).

An engagement ring is one that is given to a lady by her future husband. What you have were your grandmothers' engagement rings, but now they are family rings, which is all you need say when asked, although you may want to tell friends their charming history.

But wearing two such rings might also prompt you to say, "Well, as you probably guessed, I'm trying them out, to see which gentleman I should marry."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I left my former husband 20 years ago, as he was emotionally abusive and I could no longer abide his bad temper. He was outraged at my "desertion" to the point that five years later, when my stepdaughter was married, he told her that if I came to the wedding, he would not attend.

We have both remarried, but my stepdaughter and I have kept in touch. She has kept this a secret from her father, and, when she and her family come to see us, it, too, is a secret from the children's grandfather.

He has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. When and if he should succumb to his disease, I would like to be of support to my stepdaughter, as she has spent her life trying to live up to his expectations, and I know that she will take his death very hard.

Is it bad form for my husband and I to go to the viewing and or funeral? I want to be there for my stepdaughter but do not want to cause any distress for my ex-husband's current wife.

GENTLE READER: Unless your stepdaughter begs you to attend, and perhaps even then, this is a case where respect for the deceased (who, after all, is not yet deceased) suggests absenting yourself from the funeral, as you have reason to know would be his wish.

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows you only want to go to support the daughter. But you could be causing her additional stress, knowing that her father and possibly also his wife would not want you there. The inevitable lull after the initial mourning rites have finished is the proper time for you to show your support for your stepdaughter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a small dinner party, the hospitality was excellent except for one problem: As we sat down to dinner, the hostess called me "George."

This is not my name.

I did not want to embarrass her by correcting her, so I let it pass. I assumed that one of the other two guests (one of whom was my wife) would discreetly set things right by addressing me by my actual name in front of the hostess, or by whispering in the hostess's ear in the kitchen.

This did not happen, and, not only did the hostess keep addressing me as George with increasing frequency, but her husband (who has got my name right in the past) began to call me George as well.

I felt that you cannot correct someone for calling you "George" for the 11th time when you've let it pass the previous 10 times, so I just became George for the evening.

What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Well, George -- oops. But by your own admission, you do answer to it. And then you keep re-enforcing it by repeating the wrong name. The poor old human brain, particularly one in the dinner-party mode, needs more of a jolt to adjust itself.

Unless you learn to make a polite but memorable correction, you might as well give up and change your name.

At the hostess's first mistake, it was your job to do the whispering, to avoid giving her the double embarrassment of apologizing first to your wife and then to you. After getting the lady's attention by looking at her blankly in response to the wrong name, you could have said, "Actually, I'm called Derek. D-E-R-E-K."

Note Miss Manners' wording. It leaves room for the hostess to think that you used to be called George, but are now going by your middle name or stage name or motorcycle gang name.

By the time the husband picked up the mistake, it was in danger of spreading from his end of the table to hers, so you needed a more dramatic correction. The way to make that polite would have been to embed it in a compliment.

"I don't know who George is," you might have said jovially, "but Derek here (pointing to yourself) feels very lucky to be representing him at this delightful dinner. It's a wonderful evening, and I want to thank Zoe and Zachery (this would be a good time to get their names right) for having us."

To follow this up, you should be the one to write the thank you letter, signing it with only your first name. If this leaves the hosts asking each other who on earth Derek is, puzzling out the answer will make your proper identity stick in their minds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why did wedding receptions begin to require masters of ceremonies? And what exactly do they do that wasn't being done before?

GENTLE READER: They narrate the event, giving fanfare introductions, public instructions and calls for applause. Why people will pay to have a formal party with their relatives and friends turned into something between an awards ceremony and a reality TV show, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

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