DEAR MISS MANNERS: This winter, I will be participating in a debutante ball, and, in accordance with tradition, my parents are hosting a cocktail party at our home a few weeks prior to the ball. Looking around at the way people present themselves these days, we are concerned about making sure that our guests understand that even though it is at our house, this is to be a formal party.

What is the best way to communicate that on the invitation? Should we say "coat and tie" or "cocktail attire" or something entirely different?

Secondly, have you discovered any wording that induces people to actually respond to an invitation, because, in my experience, the typical R.S.V.P. is not effective.

I wish these were not issues, but it seems that this is what society requires.

GENTLE READER: You couldn't wish this half as much as Miss Manners does. A society that cannot agree on the simplest things, such as how to dress on specific occasions, or whether to comply with the most obvious necessities, such as letting a host know whether or not you plan to show up, exists (as Miss Manners knows only too well) in a state of annoyance.

Dress terms, even apparently simple ones, are so widely interpreted as to be meaningless. Does "formal" mean evening clothes or just making sure you are wearing shoes? Does "informal" (or that awful word, "casual") mean real suits or sweat suits?

Miss Manners suggests that instead of dealing with the problem by stating a code, you try making people realize that this is a special enough occasion that those who don't know the appropriate dress had better ask you.

To this end, your invitations should be simple, traditional and correct. No funny colors or do-dads on the cards, no dumbing down the third-person wording. The event should not be called a cocktail party -- if you are a debutante, you are legally too young to drink -- but a tea. And you must address your guests by their full names -- no nicknames -- with honorifics.

The only wording that you can be reasonably sure will get a response is on a court summons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my profession, I work with many elderly folks. Lord knows I love and respect them and appreciate that their business provides my livelihood, but it gets irritating to hear the same sanctimonious cliches over and over. Examples: "Well I'm ____ years old and won't be around much longer" and "I'm so old I don't even buy green bananas anymore."

These are meant to elicit sympathy or attention because I already know their age.

Can you suggest a gentle rejoinder? Or should I continue to bite my tongue and say something like I've always said, "Well I hope you're gonna be around for a lot longer"? Sometimes I'm tempted to say, "Well, we're all gonna die sometime," but that seems a bit cynical.

GENTLE READER: Not really.

Well, yes, really we are all going to die sometime, Miss Manners supposes, although she, like you, prefers not to dwell on that. But it does not strike her as particularly cynical for you to generalize about the announcements that are regularly and rather tediously put before you.

It is not a smart remark you need, because there is no point in continuing the topic. What you need is patience and the ability to get in first with conversation openers of your own.

Old people are particularly noted for repeating themselves, but the fact is that nearly everyone has a set patter that is supposed to pass for wit when nothing else presents itself. Start something else, even if it is only "Was that your granddaughter I saw with you?" Or "Have you been getting Internet service today, because I'm having trouble?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been so humiliated in my life as I was at the funeral of an elderly lady who befriended me 30 years ago.

I was a single mother with no family close by, and she and her husband (who passed away several years ago) "adopted" my then-3-year-old daughter, taking her to the circus, movies and really treating her as their grandchild. We kept in touch through the years, and, when she passed away, my daughter and I attended her funeral.

We are not of her faith, and I was always taught when attending a funeral not of my religion, I should remain seated when the congregation is called upon to stand or kneel and to remain silent when the congregation is called upon to respond. I was taught this was being respectful to other people's religion.

But my daughter and I were singled out by the officiating clergy who stopped the services to ask us why we were not participating. I gave him the same explanation I just gave you, and he was livid. He accused us of not only being disrespectful to the deceased's religion, but to the deceased and her family. My daughter and I were mortified, so we participated during the remainder of the services under his watchful eye, however we left immediately afterward and did not attend the services at the cemetery.

Please let me know the proper etiquette for attending a funeral, or even a wedding, of someone not of my faith. I am in my mid-50s and my daughter in her 30s. I have attended countless funerals, and this is the first time something like this has ever happened, and I don't want it to happen again. If times have changed and religions have relaxed to the point of a non-parishioner being expected to participate, I need to know.

GENTLE READER: You do know what to do. It is the clergyman who knows as little about the practice of religion as he does about its meaning.

Humiliating people into participating in the practice of religions to which they do not subscribe is not what religions tend to preach. But beyond that, it trivializes the religion, suggesting that holding its beliefs is unnecessary as long as one goes through the motions.

Coincidentally, at the same time that Miss Manners received your letter, a lady of her acquaintance was being roundly chastised for exactly what your rude clergyman commanded. In the emotion of a funeral and a with a predilection for ecumenism, she took Communion although not a Catholic. Her intention was exactly to show respect for the dead and his religion.

Not the right way to go about it, as a great number of people pointed out more or less vehemently, as doing so presupposes sharing all of the Catholic beliefs concerning Communion. But Miss Manners was gratified to hear that the clergy involved considered the matter with an understanding attitude that did honor to their religion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What on earth are "peptone high heels?" I have never heard the term and cannot find anything on the Internet.

GENTLE READER-- Some time ago, Miss Manners expressed equal amazement at being told about an item of jewelry called a "love altar." Numerous Gentle Readers came forward to tell her that what was meant was something well known to her as a lavaliere.

So in the spirit of deciphering garbled terms, she will now venture to guess that peptone high heels are what used to be called open-toed shoes but have lately been given the coyer designation "peep toe" shoes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where are those elusive "dessert spoons" that you mention? I don't find them; the department store can't find them.

Are they hiding in my silver chest in the soup-spoon section? Are soup spoons an acceptable substitute, or are they one and the same?

This is a new one on me. I've always used teaspoons, salad forks and ice cream forks for desserts.

GENTLE READER: Well, we all do what we can to survive in primitive times.

Miss Manners remembers when the tablespoons now used for dishing out vegetables were individual soup spoons; the oval spoons now used for soup were dessert spoons (which sometimes came with small dessert forks and knives in attack-all-goodies sets), and no one would dream of using a teaspoon for anything but stirring tea.

As you have discovered, it has all been downgraded. One of these days we'll be pecking at our food with demitasse spoons and lemon forks. That is, those who are still able to master the apparently complicated skill of holding a fork.

In the meantime, there are two respectable ways of dealing with the situation. One is to revert to the method used before the mid-Victorian explosion of specialized flatware, and use two sizes for everything: a large oval spoon for soup and desserts, along with a large fork and knife for meat courses; and a smaller-sized knife and fork for appetizers, fish courses and, when needed, desserts.

The second method involves time, money and flea markets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice a year I share a hotel room with another woman in our company for three to four nights. I think we should be thoughtful to one another when it comes to setting an early wake-up call.

She likes to rise extremely early to exercise, therefore waking me up one to two hours before I really want to be awakened. I am not exactly a light sleeper, but I cannot go back to a slumber after the alarm sounds.

She says everyone is free to sound the alarm whenever they please. I think she is being rude. What do you think? I need more sleep to function well at these conferences we attend. It makes the day really long when the alarm sounds at 5:30 a.m.

GENTLE READER: Really? She declares that all people, presuming including everyone in her hotel room, are free to sound the alarm whenever they please?

No, let's not go there. Miss Manners does not suggest that you follow the purported etiquette rules of someone who does not recognize any need for considering the well-being of others.

It is time for you to go to the person who handles arrangements at your company and request another roommate. Your point should be that the behavior of your present roommate prevents you from getting the rest that you need to be in top working form.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are amicably ending our 21-year marriage and keeping a good friendship we both prize. We are wondering how we tell friends of our pending divorce. (We have already told family.)

Our reasons for divorce are complex and personal. Is there an easy "answer" to the question of why we're divorcing?

GENTLE READER: You are divorcing "by mutual consent." That is the only reason that civilized people divorce.

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