DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elderly gentleman, of almost 71 years, who was lucky enough to be taught to read at an early age. As I matured, I developed into a compulsive reader, reading just about anything that bears the printed word. I do so with the general knowledge that if it was written, it was intended to be read.

At a public doing, I encountered a very well developed female at least thirty years my junior. She was wearing an exceptionally low top and displaying all of her natural attributes.

Each of her displayed anatomy parts were amply tattooed with words of the English language. They appeared to be clearly printed, though, being a gentleman, I did not read.

I have no knowledge of what they said. Possibly, they were names of her friends or perhaps instructions of some sort regarding a likely delicate matter.

Since this printing was in a public place, would I have been correct in reading the words, or was I correct in merely trying to look at her forehead?

GENTLE READER: You have given Miss Manners the opportunity to play Portia in "The Merchant of Venice." (You will recall that she was the legal authority who upheld the forfeit of a pound of flesh provided that no blood was taken with it.)

Yes, you are entitled to read publicly displayed signs. But no, you are not entitled to stare at a lady's chest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a female college student who occasionally attends lunches or dinners with professional individuals that I am not previously acquainted with. Such meals usually require semiformal or business attire and may or may not include assigned seating.

Should I or should I not wait to be seated until a gentleman of the table offers to help me by pushing in my seat? I know that this is an appropriate gesture at formal meals for a gentleman when seated with a lady of his acquaintance, but I do not want to stand awkwardly by a chair until someone offers (assuming someone does) or appear pointedly rude by waiting too long.

On the other hand, I do not wish to seem ignorant of tradition or form a poor first impression, particularly as I may want to eventually form a professional connection with members of the table.

GENTLE READER: As a general rule, the social manners that distinguish between ladies and gentlemen do not apply in the professional context, even when that context comes with food and drink. If deference is shown, it is to rank, and not to gender, and students form the bottom rank.

Miss Manners realizes that certain gender-related actions are habitual with gentlemen, who will, for example, hold doors (or chairs) for their female colleagues. This should be accepted graciously, but it should never seem expected. Emphasize that you are there as a lady, rather than in your professional capacity, and the others will soon be expecting you to play hostess and bring the coffee.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's your beef with a cash bar at wedding receptions? Weddings are incredibly expensive, and a couple starting out shouldn't have to go in the hole for thousands of dollars just to throw a reception where Miss Manners and a bunch of other deadbeats can have unlimited liquor. I thought you were a classy broad!

If we should encounter one another at a wedding reception, then your first drink will be on me, and you can hustle the rest yourself! I DARE YOU TO PRINT THIS!

GENTLE READER: Suppose you go first and explain why anyone would want to stage a thousands-of-dollars event for people whom they think of as deadbeats, and why other people would want to attend the wedding of those who thought that of them. This will give Miss Manners a moment to think of a tactful way of saying that she does not care to drink with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unbeknownst to me, someone new to our area, whom I had invited to accompany my husband and me on a day hike in a beautiful natural area, took video with his cell phone of some scenery, and then posted the video to YouTube.

It did not have any footage of me, but it did have a caption, "In the Mountains with the Smiths."

I prefer not to have photos, videos or any other evidence of my private life to appear on other peoples' Facebook pages, on YouTube, or anywhere else without my permission.

I accept that this might happen in a big group activity, such as a family wedding, but I do not want my every weekend trip or potluck with friends recorded for strangers to look at.

What is the most polite way to request that this not be done, and when should I ask? When I issue or accept invitations, or when I see the cell phone or other recording equipment come out? What can I politely do if someone does not wish to accede to my wishes for privacy?

GENTLE READER: Photographic harassment has gotten to be a serious etiquette problem, what with everyone photographing everyone else and posting it for the world to see. But perhaps you will forgive Miss Manners for saying that the one you suffered has got to be the mildest case of it on record.

Your guests did not photograph you. They did not go against your wishes, because you had not stated your wishes, not having known they were taking pictures, which also means that they did not disrupt the hike.

You will now be surprised to hear that Miss Manners has enormous sympathy with your annoyance. Now that the cellular telephone means that nearly everyone carries a camera all the time, and the Internet has become a giant scrapbook for everyone's pictures, visual privacy is becoming a lost concept.

The dangers are not trivial, as more and more people are discovering when their superiors at work (not to mention their parents, children and other attachments) have a clear view of what they looked like partying the night before.

But keeping that possibility in mind may be even worse. The strain of knowing that one is never just among friends, but always before the vast public, subject to the harsh judgment of strangers, is enough to rob even the most blameless life of pleasure.

Nevertheless, general opinion now is that taking pictures is harmless and to be expected. Miss Manners suggests that you -- indeed, all of us who value privacy -- will have to get into the habit of saying, "If you're planning to take pictures, please leave me out."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister, early 60s, and a good friend, early 50s, both recently suffered painful divorces from men they now abhor. My sister was married for 40 years and my friend for 15.

I spent a lot of time with these people and have many experiences. I am totally stumped how to avoid going into a landmine field, that I don't see, every time I talk to them.

I have gotten many photos of my sister's first grandchild, and we've all played the who-does-he-look-like game. Apparently, I said the baby has an "attitude" like the ex-husband, grandpa (a philanderer, etc.). Since the baby is 4 months old, it seems ridiculous that my sister would be upset that I was ascribing her ex-husband's negative personality traits to the baby. But she said I really hurt her feelings. Of course, I apologized and said that wasn't what I meant (obviously).

My friend thought she was married to a man who never divorced his second wife. They were "married" in a small ceremony, but he never filed their marriage license with the county. I understand she now refuses to refer to her relationship as a "marriage."

OK, but this sensitive feeling around words (relationship or marriage, this man was very sick), leaves me anxious about what, how and when to say things.

Do I just pretend, like these people do, that the past doesn't exist? I understand why they don't want to go there, but the past is where many of our experiences are. There were good times. I feel anxious about what and how to say things, and it is changing my relationship with these people in a negative way.

I never warmed to my friend's "husband," but I really loved my ex-brother-in-law. I still consider him family and hate the rigidity my sister is imposing on him when she is around. She battled twice with anorexia through her divorce, which took 10 years. And I am pretty certain she'll go into old age with this big dead zone called her 40 years with her ex-husband.

Do you have any wisdom regarding an attitude I can cultivate, inside my head, that will improve my time with these people whom I love a lot?

GENTLE READER: You could stop thinking that it is a special hardship to have to consider other people's feelings before you make casual remarks. That is something that everyone is supposed to be doing all the time (and that almost no one does before firing off e-mails) to avoid making trouble.

Miss Manners would not have thought it much of a leap to realize that your sister would not be amused at joking references to her former husband's promiscuity. Nor should it be all that hard to remember that your friend does not care to be referred to as having been the wife of a bigamist.

Your concern about their not facing the past suggests to Miss Manners that you are annoying them for their own good, as you see it. It might help you to think of them as adults whose ways of coping should be respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our second home two years ago, and we bought our first one 11 years ago. We've never lived in this new home, as we decided to do a complete remodel when we bought it.

The construction is now near completion, and we are excited to finally be able to move in. We want to have a housewarming party, and we have thought of registering for gifts. My sister thinks this is presumptuous. I think it's practical. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: Both of you.

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