DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's your beef with a cash bar at wedding receptions? Weddings are incredibly expensive, and a couple starting out shouldn't have to go in the hole for thousands of dollars just to throw a reception where Miss Manners and a bunch of other deadbeats can have unlimited liquor. I thought you were a classy broad!

If we should encounter one another at a wedding reception, then your first drink will be on me, and you can hustle the rest yourself! I DARE YOU TO PRINT THIS!

GENTLE READER: Suppose you go first and explain why anyone would want to stage a thousands-of-dollars event for people whom they think of as deadbeats, and why other people would want to attend the wedding of those who thought that of them. This will give Miss Manners a moment to think of a tactful way of saying that she does not care to drink with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unbeknownst to me, someone new to our area, whom I had invited to accompany my husband and me on a day hike in a beautiful natural area, took video with his cell phone of some scenery, and then posted the video to YouTube.

It did not have any footage of me, but it did have a caption, "In the Mountains with the Smiths."

I prefer not to have photos, videos or any other evidence of my private life to appear on other peoples' Facebook pages, on YouTube, or anywhere else without my permission.

I accept that this might happen in a big group activity, such as a family wedding, but I do not want my every weekend trip or potluck with friends recorded for strangers to look at.

What is the most polite way to request that this not be done, and when should I ask? When I issue or accept invitations, or when I see the cell phone or other recording equipment come out? What can I politely do if someone does not wish to accede to my wishes for privacy?

GENTLE READER: Photographic harassment has gotten to be a serious etiquette problem, what with everyone photographing everyone else and posting it for the world to see. But perhaps you will forgive Miss Manners for saying that the one you suffered has got to be the mildest case of it on record.

Your guests did not photograph you. They did not go against your wishes, because you had not stated your wishes, not having known they were taking pictures, which also means that they did not disrupt the hike.

You will now be surprised to hear that Miss Manners has enormous sympathy with your annoyance. Now that the cellular telephone means that nearly everyone carries a camera all the time, and the Internet has become a giant scrapbook for everyone's pictures, visual privacy is becoming a lost concept.

The dangers are not trivial, as more and more people are discovering when their superiors at work (not to mention their parents, children and other attachments) have a clear view of what they looked like partying the night before.

But keeping that possibility in mind may be even worse. The strain of knowing that one is never just among friends, but always before the vast public, subject to the harsh judgment of strangers, is enough to rob even the most blameless life of pleasure.

Nevertheless, general opinion now is that taking pictures is harmless and to be expected. Miss Manners suggests that you -- indeed, all of us who value privacy -- will have to get into the habit of saying, "If you're planning to take pictures, please leave me out."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister, early 60s, and a good friend, early 50s, both recently suffered painful divorces from men they now abhor. My sister was married for 40 years and my friend for 15.

I spent a lot of time with these people and have many experiences. I am totally stumped how to avoid going into a landmine field, that I don't see, every time I talk to them.

I have gotten many photos of my sister's first grandchild, and we've all played the who-does-he-look-like game. Apparently, I said the baby has an "attitude" like the ex-husband, grandpa (a philanderer, etc.). Since the baby is 4 months old, it seems ridiculous that my sister would be upset that I was ascribing her ex-husband's negative personality traits to the baby. But she said I really hurt her feelings. Of course, I apologized and said that wasn't what I meant (obviously).

My friend thought she was married to a man who never divorced his second wife. They were "married" in a small ceremony, but he never filed their marriage license with the county. I understand she now refuses to refer to her relationship as a "marriage."

OK, but this sensitive feeling around words (relationship or marriage, this man was very sick), leaves me anxious about what, how and when to say things.

Do I just pretend, like these people do, that the past doesn't exist? I understand why they don't want to go there, but the past is where many of our experiences are. There were good times. I feel anxious about what and how to say things, and it is changing my relationship with these people in a negative way.

I never warmed to my friend's "husband," but I really loved my ex-brother-in-law. I still consider him family and hate the rigidity my sister is imposing on him when she is around. She battled twice with anorexia through her divorce, which took 10 years. And I am pretty certain she'll go into old age with this big dead zone called her 40 years with her ex-husband.

Do you have any wisdom regarding an attitude I can cultivate, inside my head, that will improve my time with these people whom I love a lot?

GENTLE READER: You could stop thinking that it is a special hardship to have to consider other people's feelings before you make casual remarks. That is something that everyone is supposed to be doing all the time (and that almost no one does before firing off e-mails) to avoid making trouble.

Miss Manners would not have thought it much of a leap to realize that your sister would not be amused at joking references to her former husband's promiscuity. Nor should it be all that hard to remember that your friend does not care to be referred to as having been the wife of a bigamist.

Your concern about their not facing the past suggests to Miss Manners that you are annoying them for their own good, as you see it. It might help you to think of them as adults whose ways of coping should be respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our second home two years ago, and we bought our first one 11 years ago. We've never lived in this new home, as we decided to do a complete remodel when we bought it.

The construction is now near completion, and we are excited to finally be able to move in. We want to have a housewarming party, and we have thought of registering for gifts. My sister thinks this is presumptuous. I think it's practical. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: Both of you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe you have said that it is rude to show up at someone's house with your own recently purchased coffee drink. I'm wondering why this practice is considered inappropriate.

My guess is that it insults the host by implying that nothing he or she could offer would please the guest as much as the tall organic half-caf extra-hot nonfat vanilla soy latte with extra foam. I am wondering why it doesn't suggest to the host, "Don't worry about me; I've taken care of my needs so that you can relax."

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners to put aside the argument that universally and throughout recorded time, refusing hospitality has been considered a serious insult. Diplomats and travelers have, for that reason, choked down all kinds of foods and drink that they found unpalatable, not to mention disgusting.

But that still leaves her with a strictly practical argument, which applies not only to the visitor with the coffee cup, but also to the guest who brings a bottle or dish when invited to dinner and expects it to be served. That is that it does not, in fact, save the host any trouble.

On the contrary, if the guest was expected for a meal, the host would have had to prepare it in advance anyway, and serving the extra food (setting it out, replacing what was planned) or drink (which may not go with the food and in any case is not likely to be enough to go around) may be extra trouble.

The casual visitor who strides in with his own coffee is not only usurping the function of the host (oops, Miss Manners was going to sidestep that point), but doing so, ungraciously, only for himself. If the host wants some, he still has to make it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been promoted to supervisor over a department of seven employees. I am much younger than the staff that I supervise, and I possess more credentials.

Two out of seven find it necessary to comment on how I dress or my shoes or my hair, usually in a negative manner. I smile and brush it off because I know in my heart what the real issue is, and I also try to deflect their attention. I know how to be rude and insulting, but I'd rather remain tactful and professional and yet get my point across.

GENTLE READER: But you are the supervisor, so you can require that they also behave professionally.

You will do better if you generalize the problem to avoid even more personal remarks about your being "oversensitive" or "unable to take a compliment."

Miss Manners recommends an office-wide memo stating that of course everyone knows that modern professional conduct prohibits making personal remarks about colleagues, and you would like to remind them that this includes compliments. That will throw them off your trail because they were not exactly giving you compliments.

Then the next time someone begins to criticize you (or even, inspired by your remark, offer you a compliment), you can issue a gentle reminder about professional behavior, thus also reminding them that you are the supervisor, whom it is unwise to antagonize.

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