DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 34-year-old male married graduate student in biology, working in an academic lab. My labmates consist of six single females, undergraduate and graduate students, between 21 and 25 years old.

As you can imagine, the conversation can become quite energetic, as such topics as boyfriends, cute guys and analyses of what one should wear perfume the air. I politely tolerate the mindless chatter even when it becomes inappropriate, which if it were spoken by males in the presence of females, would border on harassment.

My main problem is that they continually invite me to social events that I believe a married man shouldn't participate in, and my polite declines are countered with negativity. I am continually invited to go to dance clubs and bars on nights and weekends to celebrate everything and anything that happens in their lives.

I am an older student who spent some time in the workplace before starting college, and, as such, I see my lab as my workplace. Most of my labmates have never worked a job between high school and college and make no distinction between work time and play time.

I typically have lunch with them and interact freely to show that I'm not an isolationist, but I shouldn't be expected to party the night away, should I?

My calm and accommodating explanations are only met with demands to bring my wife along, but they don't understand that my wife and I don't typically engage in those activities.

I am often told that I look a lot younger than I am, which I am grateful for, but I really am older than my labmates in many ways. I think that I have demonstrated exceptional composure when facing these clamoring post-teens, but my patience is wearing thin.

So, what do I do when my polite rejections precipitate responses like, "Fine, I'm never asking you again"?

GENTLE READER: Well, that would solve the problem, if only they made good on the threat.

But Miss Manners suspects that they are having too much fun teasing you about not knowing how to have fun, which is defined solely as clubs and bars (and teasing you). Maturity might suggest your being amused at this, perhaps overplaying the age factor with humor.

If you are not up to that, she suggests that you offer a counter-invitation, in the form of a low-key supper party at home with you and your wife. They may still giggle at the quietness of your life, but are bound to notice, all the same, that domestic life can offer even deeper pleasures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommate is in the midst of planning a wedding. He has several family members whom he has either not kept in contact with or for whom traveling for the ceremony won't be feasible. You recommend inviting these types of guests so as not to hurt their feelings; however, I've always thought that doing so gave the appearance of begging for gifts. I wonder, would it be an appropriate compromise to send invitations to them without including information regarding the registry?

GENTLE READER: Oh, so you think it is all right to beg for gifts from people who are likely to attend?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What, precisely, is a "letter of introduction"?

Characters in novels from the 19th and early 20th centuries use them whenever they come to a town unfamiliar to them, but I have never heard of one used in the 21st Century. Were they ever anything more than a novelistic conceit? Or were they used in the Old World but not the New? Or are they still used and I am just very ignorant?

GENTLE READER: Letters of introduction did, and still do, exist. Sort of. But considering that we live in a world of computer arranged assignations and virtual friendships, perhaps Miss Manners should explain what an introduction is.

People used to meet through other people whom they already knew. Without what was known as "a proper introduction," they were not supposed to form new social bonds.

Now this may sound very snobbish and pokey to you, but it did have its advantages. For example, the person who introduced you to that charming gentleman knows whether he is married. Or if he is unattached, whether parts of his first wife were found buried in the garden.

Ordinarily, an introduction was performed with all parties present and, in the case of a lady, with her permission beforehand to introduce her to a gentleman. However, at a social gathering where the host presumably knew everybody even if he was busy making sure they all had drinks, all those attending could consider themselves introduced to one another. "The roof is an introduction" was the statement that covered that.

Letters were written when the object was to acquaint a friend who was moving or traveling with another friend at that place. That was what you encountered in novels: "This is to introduce my dear friend who will be in Paris for the fall, and would be a delightful addition to your circle..." The letter would be left unsealed on the assumption that the person being introduced, to whom it was entrusted for personal delivery, was too honorable to read it. Miss Manners will let you make of that what you may.

Presumably, people are still saying, "Oh, you must look up my friend" and, if they happen to remember, firing off e-mail messages to warn the out-of-towners.

However, there is also a more formal letter of introduction still being written on paper -- the letter to introduce, or more accurately recommend, a newcomer to an organization, such as a private club. "This is to introduce Mr. William Wombat, who will be in your city for two weeks, and to request that he be given visitor privileges in your distinguished club..." It is implied, and therefore not necessary to state, that the writer promises that the gentleman can be trusted not to steal the forks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I best explain the proper etiquette for those times my mid-teen is invited out for dinner by his friend's family? I understand that he has ordered more expensive meals than those of others at the table. Unless he's paying, there must be a rule of thumb for a guest to follow.

GENTLE READER: There is, and it was told to ladies who didn't want to look piggy: "Order from the middle of the menu." Miss Manners considers that it applies equally to gentlemen who have the good fortune to be taken out for dinner and do not want to discourage their hosts from inviting them ever again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beau and I just met a wonderful married couple we bonded with who enjoy inviting us to their home for barbecue dinners they prepare for us. As we get along famously, they invite us often (two or three times a week) and lavishly serve us filets with shrimp or fish. Dessert is as five-star as the wine and the meals are surely expensive!

Our problem is neither of us can reciprocate for dinner in our separate homes to show our thanks, due to family medical issues. We try to offer expensive wine or to pay but are told "no way, it would be an insult!" They have a huge inventory of fine wine and want only to share with their new good friends!

We find it difficult to refuse their invitations since we enjoy their company so much, as well. Are we correct to appreciate their friendship and generosity, as they want us to, or should we fraudulently refuse politely in order not to indulge ourselves of the situation? Is it proper etiquette to refuse the regular invites of our hosts or not? And how can we repay them in kind without insulting them?

GENTLE READER: These people are feeding you lavishly two or three times a week? Are you sure they haven't taken out adoption papers?

Ordinarily, Miss Manners would insist that you reciprocate their invitations. That you would not be able to entertain in their style does not matter in the least. No doubt they like to go out occasionally, and since they like you, they would enjoy being let into your lives.

But if that is not possible because you have sick relatives at home, you will have to be especially thoughtful about other ways to please them. Contributing wine or food is obviously superfluous.

Perhaps you could bring them books or films that might interest them. Or you could pick up on some project you hear them mention and offer to help -- hauling gardening supplies, driving them to and from the theater, fixing their computer problems, taking their house guests sightseeing, or whatever it is that they may be relieved not to have to do themselves. They have been treating you as if you were family, and family members do not pay for their meals, but are supposed to pitch in and help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at an age where too often I hear that a friend or acquaintance is under the care of hospice. I am never quite sure how to acknowledge this. If he/she is not a close friend but someone I might see at parties or chat with in the grocery, what is appropriate? I'd like to send a card or note, but what do I say?

GENTLE READER: Please stay away from cards, Miss Manners begs you. This is a situation in which anything along the lines of "get well" will seem bitterly ironic. A personal sentiment is required, although it could be as simple as "I've missed running into you at the grocery, and want you to know I am thinking of you."

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