DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is hurt because her daughter's boyfriend did not include her when he asked the dad for their daughter's hand in marriage. Her boyfriend also asked the dad to go with him to pick up the ring, and he did, and the dad said to everyone, "We got it" when they got back home.

Our son-in-law asked us to dinner when he asked to marry our daughter. Maybe ours was an unusual situation, but I thought it was nice to be included.

What is the norm? My sister talked to her daughter's boyfriend several times a week before this happened. She has not talked to him or returned his phone calls since February.

My sister and niece will be coming in a week, and her fiance lives in our town.

GENTLE READER: Then perhaps you will have a chance to resolve this ridiculous misunderstanding before it wrecks two families and a wedding.

The custom of asking for a lady's hand in marriage dates from long before ladies had the vote, politically or domestically, so the mother was not officially consulted. Among modern gentlemen who preserve the custom, some update it to address both parents, and some do not.

But it should be remembered that this procedure, although charming, is a mere formality now, when the hand is only too likely to have been freely given long before, often along with the other parts. For that matter, it was something of a formality then, when even a draconian father was not likely to be able to stand up to a determined daughter.

So the prospective bridegroom is guilty only of having preserved an anachronistic custom. If you can explain to your sister that no insult was intended, and get her prospective son-in-law to do the same, you will have done the family a service.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend lives in an apartment with two bathrooms, only one of which is easily accessible to guests and which serves as the main facility. When she entertains at dinner or a party, she replaces the bath towel with several hand towels, but ordinarily there is only one hand towel hanging from a towel ring. She keeps a supply of hand towels on the open shelf of a small table opposite the wash basin.

On a casual visit, should one use the hand towel that is obviously hers or a fresh one from the shelf? This is clearly not a matter of great moment, but I am curious about what Miss Manners considers appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Which one is not a matter of great moment, either, as they were all clearly put out for guest use. What Miss Manners considers inappropriate, not to mention icky, is the guest who emerges from the bathroom dry-handed, leaving all the guest towels pristine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I think I may have discovered a phenomenon that is even tackier than cash bars at wedding receptions.

Apparently, some restaurants have begun offering a service called a "half-open bar" to customers who wish to hold private parties. This means that the hosts are allowed to select a set number of "VIP" guests, designated with visible wristbands, who are allowed unlimited free drinks. The rest of the guests must pay for their beverages.

I'm not necessarily faulting the businesses that have made this service an option; they are hardly forcing anybody to participate. I am, however, trying hard to quash my uncharitable feelings about the hosts who would employ such a service. As for how this sort of thing reflects on the culture as a whole, I am completely at a loss for words.

You, however, rarely are. Thoughts? Can civilization put the kibosh on this nonsense? Are we too far gone?

GENTLE READER: Although she is not quite ready to give up on civilization, Miss Manners admits that what has happened to hospitality is an evil portent.

In secular society, as in many religions, the willingness to share sustenance freely, even if one has little, is a test. Those who turn others away are in trouble, even if the visitor does not turn out to be a deity in disguise.

However, Miss Manners does admire the modern efficiency. What you bring to her attention is a method of insulting guests by making them pay to be entertained, while at the same time making it clear that the insult is personal rather than general.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have lost my hearing but (so far) can cope pretty good and have paper and pen ready if needed.

I sometimes find myself with a group of hearing friends and enjoy being with them and seeing them having a good visit. They chat, and when someone makes a funny remark and everyone laughs, I never know what my reaction should be.

Should I just smile or pretend my shoe has become untied? Once I sort of gave a chuckle and someone gave me the look of "Are you nuts?" It was hurtful, and I try to avoid that person.

The other thing: I have been on a couple of short trips that involve a guided tour. Of course, I don't hear the guide, but they are doing their job of explaining things and displays. I would rather go by myself and look at the displays and read the written information on each one. You are whisked so fast to them you never have a chance to actually see them. If you stand with the guide and "listen." Would it be rude to sneak off? That's what I would like to do.

I know it's not their fault, but still, it doesn't seem right to not pay attention, and it would be not be good to interrupt and explain my reason for leaving the group.

I don't want to become a complete hermit, though that seems to be the best choice sometimes.

GENTLE READER: It is a dreadful choice. And so is faking having a good time when you are not.

What Miss Manners fails to understand is why you feel you have no alternatives. You should be asking someone to jot down the joke you missed, and explaining ahead of time to the tour guide why you prefer to examine things on your own.

The minor inconvenience you may cause is not half as annoying as the unnverving act of pretending to hear when you do not.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When hosting a dinner at one's home or attending a dinner at someone else's home, how long should the evening last? I'm speaking about casual dinners with no formal cocktail hour but usually appetizers, a main meal and dessert.

I think two or two and a half hours is appropriate for such an event, but it seems that among my friends, dinner evenings last four hours or more, even on weeknights. If I try to leave earlier than the other guests, I feel rude, as if I'm eating and running.

When hosting in my home, I have sometimes resorted to asking a friend beforehand to break the evening up a little earlier, but that feels awkward, as well.

Am I wrong? Should a casual in-home dinner last for four hours?

GENTLE READER: Well, let's add it up:

The invitations are issued for 7 p.m., but no one shows up until 7:50. The food was going to be ready by 8:30, but isn't quite. Or it is overcooking, because some guests are still missing. So it starts at 9. By 10:20, all the food has been served and eaten, but the hosts have not given the signal to leave the table and return to the living room, so the guests feel glued to their chairs.

Yes, that's four hours, easily, before they bolt. And guests are supposed to spend half an hour over coffee after that.

But Miss Manners is not pitiless. If the meal is well over but the hosts aren't budging, or if the rest of the company is simply lolling around having a good time, she gives you permission to plead that you don't want to break up the party but you must slip out because you have to be up early.

Of course, if it is your living room, it is harder to escape. If you started the meal on time because (as you tell late guests) they would have wanted you to go ahead, and ended it by getting people up from the table for coffee and they still won't leave, it may be time to stand up and say how lovely it was to have them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my early 20s and have been married for four months to a man of similar age. When we announced our wedding, we received several comments of the "What are you doing, you are too young" variety, including several friends and family members who told us we had no idea what we were getting into.

Even now, post-wedding, we are still getting intrusive comments from friends (the family fortunately has calmed down) telling us that we should have waited longer. One of his friends was so bold as to tell him she didn't believe he was truly in love, but simply "playing house."

We were very offended by this. Frankly, I am tired of having to explain myself over and over to people. I got married because I want to build a life with him and I love him dearly. Is this really anyone else's business? Do we really owe other people explanations?

GENTLE READER: Certainly not. But you should smile and say, "Thank you, we feel very lucky." The "thank you" should throw them, but if anyone persists with negative comments, you could add compassionately, "Actually, we're very happy. I'm so sorry you're not."

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