DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious about the tradition of wedding dances. We have the happy couple's first dance. Then there is the father/daughter dance followed by the mother/son. By now, all the guests at the reception are happily chatting amongst themselves, no longer paying attention, and we segue into the son and mother-in-law, etc.

What is appropriate for an evening wedding with a band or D.J.? How long should the dances be, and how many should there be?

GENTLE READER: The idea is for the bridal couple to open the dancing, not to give a private dance featuring their relatives, while the guests' function is to stand around admiring them.

Or not. No wonder couples confess to nervousness about the simple act of dancing with each other. Getting married is not a sufficient qualification to stage a dance performance before an audience.

Miss Manners gathers that you have heard about those lists in which the order of dancing is specified for a long line of relatives, regardless of whether or not they are on speaking terms. Such overplanning arises from the suspicion that the gentlemen of the wedding party are innocent of the requirement to dance with the principal ladies instead of only following their personal preferences.

The idea is for the parents to dance with the couple and one another, and, by the way, it would be nice if the gentlemen asked Granny to dance, too. And for the guests to be treated as guests.

Guests should not be kept waiting, even the full length of one dance. Halfway through the bridal couple's dance, the bride's father cuts in to dance with his daughter and the bereft bridegroom turns to his mother. (This can also be done with the respective in-laws first.) At this point, the bridesmaids and groomsmen should take to the dance floor and encourage the other guests to follow.

Presumably, the bridal couple's enjoyment is in gazing at each other, not in being gazed at.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss recently hosted a company picnic at his residence. This event was considered a command performance. If you were not otherwise on company business/travel or on vacation, you were expected to attend.

It was a staff person who organized the event (catering, balloons, decorations). Neither the boss nor his wife had to bother with anything other than entertaining staff.

However, several staff showed up with host/hostess gifts such as bottles of wine, plants, etc. I say this was inappropriate and only served to embarrass the boss, but others were confused about what to do. Who is correct? If I am correct, how to discourage this behavior next year?

GENTLE READER: You have two mistaken premises here, Miss Manners feels obliged to point out. A small present given to one's hosts is not compensation for having cooked and vacuumed. (Nor is it, as others seem to feel, repayment for the meal.) It is merely an optional courtesy. And whether others choose to take this option is out of your control.

Miss Manners happens to think that it is a bit much to bring presents to one's boss's compulsory gathering, and perhaps your boss does, too. Perhaps not. But if he is counting donations and penalizing those who don't come across, you would better spend your time looking for a decent job.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have gotten to know many of our neighbors on our street and often see them at the neighborhood pool. We all have kids who usually play together.

Coolers with food and drinks are allowed; however, most of our neighbors opt not to bring them. But all the kids help themselves to my cooler -- which I keep zipped up and my kids do not get into without asking first -- and get out food and drinks.

The parents very calmly tell them they shouldn't do that without asking, but are not at all forceful about it. Sometimes the kids do ask, which puts me on the spot. I was especially annoyed at my neighbor who was complaining to me about this two days ago -- and just yesterday her daughter went into my cooler and took out my container of grapes and brought them over to my lounge chair and began eating them.

Her Mom said "Susie, no" and the little girl just laughed and said "But I like them" and continued to eat. I was so annoyed that I didn't know what to do, so I turned to my husband and asked if he would like to go swim with me.

As I said, we are friends, and our kids play together, but this is getting old. It is not a matter of not being able to afford it, either, because most of our neighbors live a much higher lifestyle than we do. Please help me know what to say without making enemies out of my neighbors!

GENTLE READER: The neighborly thing to do would be to show concern for the children and organize the parents to do something about it.

"The children always seem to be hungry at the pool," you can tell them. "Should we take turns bringing them snacks?"

Miss Manners does not expect such an enterprise to be the result. Rather, some parents will say that they don't want their children eating between meals, and others will argue about what they consider to be proper snacks.

This will empower you to say, the next time some child tries to help himself, "No, dear, I'm sorry, but your parents don't want you to have that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a caller when the very first thing they say is, "Who is speaking"?

I work in a place of business and receive many calls with the person calling demanding to know whom they are speaking to without identifying themselves first. What is the proper response to this rude caller?

GENTLE READER: Would you mind running the preliminary part by Miss Manners before she answers? Are you answering the telephone just by saying "Hello"?

In business, it is customary for those whose calls are not screened and announced to answer by identifying themselves in some way -- by name, function or department. So your callers may not be rude so much as bewildered.

The procedure you want is, however, correct for calls to private lines. In that case, the response is, "Whom are you calling, please?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Caught up in the spirit of family and goodwill, I sent my homeless, drug-addict, criminal cousin a "save the date" card for my wedding. I sent it to his mother's address, and she said, "Who knows if he'll get it. I'll try to pass it along."

I was relieved to hear that, because I already regretted sending it. The last time I saw him was at his sister's wedding five years ago, and he hit on me. It was disturbing, and I get upset thinking about it. Now, two weeks before the wedding, my aunt tells me he is in good health and living with his fiancee and her parents. He received the save the date and wants to know why he never got an invitation. My aunt thinks he should come to the wedding.

I'm glad to hear he's doing better, but I don't want to have a reunion with him on my wedding day. I am very shy, and the reception will already be challenging for me, without the added creepiness.

I don't want to offend my aunt, but she keeps changing her mind about whether her son matters to the family. She has not actually seen him since he resurfaced -- only spoken to him by phone.

I am thinking of calling her and saying I know it was bad form to send a save the date and not an invitation, but he made me uncomfortable last time I saw him. I would suggest a family lunch after the honeymoon as a better occasion. He could meet my husband, we could meet his fiancee, etc.

Is this appropriate? And would I write a letter inviting him to lunch instead, and apologize that wedding arrangements were finalized before I was told that he could be contacted?

GENTLE READER: Can you manage to rekindle that spirit of family and goodwill?

"Save the date" being a recent addition to the social conventions, people seem confused about the obligations it entails. It is not binding on the guest, who need only answer the actual invitation when it appears. But it is binding on the host, who cannot ask someone to save a date and then declare, "Oh, never mind. You didn't make the final cut."

Anyway, your fears seem exaggerated. Both his present situation and his mother's word suggest that he is doing well. And the chances of his hitting on a bride in the presence of his fiancee are not great. If he does, you will have your new husband by your side to protect you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one wishes to get up from the table to go to the restroom, I think it rude to just get up and depart. So I announce, "Excuse me, I'm going to the restroom."

My friends seem to vanish from the table with no explanation, and I suppose they think no explanation is necessary. What to do or say or not say?

GENTLE READER: Does it have to be everythng or nothing?

Leaving without a word is rude, but explaining where you are going is unpleasantly vivid for those who are eating. Miss Manners hopes you can content yourself with a mere "excuse me," trusting that your destination is not much of a mystery.

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