DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have gotten to know many of our neighbors on our street and often see them at the neighborhood pool. We all have kids who usually play together.

Coolers with food and drinks are allowed; however, most of our neighbors opt not to bring them. But all the kids help themselves to my cooler -- which I keep zipped up and my kids do not get into without asking first -- and get out food and drinks.

The parents very calmly tell them they shouldn't do that without asking, but are not at all forceful about it. Sometimes the kids do ask, which puts me on the spot. I was especially annoyed at my neighbor who was complaining to me about this two days ago -- and just yesterday her daughter went into my cooler and took out my container of grapes and brought them over to my lounge chair and began eating them.

Her Mom said "Susie, no" and the little girl just laughed and said "But I like them" and continued to eat. I was so annoyed that I didn't know what to do, so I turned to my husband and asked if he would like to go swim with me.

As I said, we are friends, and our kids play together, but this is getting old. It is not a matter of not being able to afford it, either, because most of our neighbors live a much higher lifestyle than we do. Please help me know what to say without making enemies out of my neighbors!

GENTLE READER: The neighborly thing to do would be to show concern for the children and organize the parents to do something about it.

"The children always seem to be hungry at the pool," you can tell them. "Should we take turns bringing them snacks?"

Miss Manners does not expect such an enterprise to be the result. Rather, some parents will say that they don't want their children eating between meals, and others will argue about what they consider to be proper snacks.

This will empower you to say, the next time some child tries to help himself, "No, dear, I'm sorry, but your parents don't want you to have that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a caller when the very first thing they say is, "Who is speaking"?

I work in a place of business and receive many calls with the person calling demanding to know whom they are speaking to without identifying themselves first. What is the proper response to this rude caller?

GENTLE READER: Would you mind running the preliminary part by Miss Manners before she answers? Are you answering the telephone just by saying "Hello"?

In business, it is customary for those whose calls are not screened and announced to answer by identifying themselves in some way -- by name, function or department. So your callers may not be rude so much as bewildered.

The procedure you want is, however, correct for calls to private lines. In that case, the response is, "Whom are you calling, please?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Caught up in the spirit of family and goodwill, I sent my homeless, drug-addict, criminal cousin a "save the date" card for my wedding. I sent it to his mother's address, and she said, "Who knows if he'll get it. I'll try to pass it along."

I was relieved to hear that, because I already regretted sending it. The last time I saw him was at his sister's wedding five years ago, and he hit on me. It was disturbing, and I get upset thinking about it. Now, two weeks before the wedding, my aunt tells me he is in good health and living with his fiancee and her parents. He received the save the date and wants to know why he never got an invitation. My aunt thinks he should come to the wedding.

I'm glad to hear he's doing better, but I don't want to have a reunion with him on my wedding day. I am very shy, and the reception will already be challenging for me, without the added creepiness.

I don't want to offend my aunt, but she keeps changing her mind about whether her son matters to the family. She has not actually seen him since he resurfaced -- only spoken to him by phone.

I am thinking of calling her and saying I know it was bad form to send a save the date and not an invitation, but he made me uncomfortable last time I saw him. I would suggest a family lunch after the honeymoon as a better occasion. He could meet my husband, we could meet his fiancee, etc.

Is this appropriate? And would I write a letter inviting him to lunch instead, and apologize that wedding arrangements were finalized before I was told that he could be contacted?

GENTLE READER: Can you manage to rekindle that spirit of family and goodwill?

"Save the date" being a recent addition to the social conventions, people seem confused about the obligations it entails. It is not binding on the guest, who need only answer the actual invitation when it appears. But it is binding on the host, who cannot ask someone to save a date and then declare, "Oh, never mind. You didn't make the final cut."

Anyway, your fears seem exaggerated. Both his present situation and his mother's word suggest that he is doing well. And the chances of his hitting on a bride in the presence of his fiancee are not great. If he does, you will have your new husband by your side to protect you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one wishes to get up from the table to go to the restroom, I think it rude to just get up and depart. So I announce, "Excuse me, I'm going to the restroom."

My friends seem to vanish from the table with no explanation, and I suppose they think no explanation is necessary. What to do or say or not say?

GENTLE READER: Does it have to be everythng or nothing?

Leaving without a word is rude, but explaining where you are going is unpleasantly vivid for those who are eating. Miss Manners hopes you can content yourself with a mere "excuse me," trusting that your destination is not much of a mystery.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in the land of unpaid internships -- Washington, D.C. I know that for internship experience to work, the employer has just as much obligation to mentor and provide a good experience as the intern has to be a good participant. It takes time, attention and patience.

During college and graduate school, I had four internships. The one I remember the most is the first summer I spent in Washington working for my Congressman. His staff identified projects for me to work on (not just mail and phones) and made me feel welcomed. I was invited to attend events and hearings with staff, and I increased my understanding of the political process.

That experience and those individuals had an enormous impact on me. Years later, I still remember their names. And I will always appreciate the opportunity his then-chief of staff gave me by offering me the internship.

If companies and institutions want to hire interns, then they have the obligation to mentor, teach and provide good learning environments. Whether it's a medical-research facility that has a young biologist running samples, an MBA student learning the ins and outs of an investment institution, a law clerk whose summer project is researching a new ruling, a political intern learning the chaos of a political campaign or a student nurse experiencing public health care in rural America, it is rewarding only when some degree of structure is in place, mentors are assigned and an opportunity for questions and answers is allowed.

It may mean that an employee has to spend more time explaining how to do a project than it would take him/her to do it alone. Internships are about the process -- they are learning experiences. Employers shouldn't offer them unless they are willing to invest the time of their full-time staff in a teaching role. Otherwise, they are wasting the intern's time.

GENTLE READER: That possibility does not scare many employers as much as you imagine.

They would argue that the ability to observe how the operation works is enough compensation for the menial tasks the inexperienced intern is able to accomplish. But there are others, such as you have been fortunate enough to encounter, who see it as the opportunity to audition employees, and to see how far they would go with directed training.

Certainly, the latter situation is more desirable if you can get it. But Miss Manners urges you not to discount the former one if it is someplace you might like to work. Every office has someone who enjoys expounding on the mechanics of the place, perhaps throwing in its secrets, and the intern can supply that scarce quality, the fresh ear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hearing a married person being called single really gets to me. This term is being used for people who have been separated one hour, planning a divorce or have a divorce in process. Single means one. If you can't take out a marriage license, you must be married and one of two! Thanks for letting me rant.

GENTLE READER: Sorry about whatever happened. Miss Manners is afraid that this is why etiquette recommends proper instructions over encounters with strangers, even Googled strangers.

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