DEAR MISS MANNERS: A conflict of values: I have always been committed to the practice of sending hand-written expressions of thanks for kindnesses in an appropriate and timely manner, and have valued receiving the same from others.

However, I am also committed to doing my small part to reduce the impact of greenhouse gases on our precious environment. I recycle, take canvas bags when I shop, receive and pay bills electronically, and send electronic greeting cards to friends. I have canceled all catalogues and magazine subscriptions, carefully managed the use of electricity and gas in my home, and am careful about fuel consumption in my auto.

I find myself feeling guilty when I write a thank-you note, as each note uses resources in the form of both the paper on which it is written and the fuel required to send it from place to place. I would like to replace these notes with similarly appropriate expressions of thanks via e-mail to those of my friends who I know use e-mail. I would value your thoughts on this dilemma.

GENTLE READER: Weighing competing virtues is a pleasant diversion to Miss Manners, who spends most of her time just pointing out the difference between good and bad manners.

So let us examine the particulars of your case. It argues well for you that you do propose continuing to express thanks in writing, and that you extend your sacrifices to matters other than your social duties. You'd be surprised at how many virtuous-sounding people do neither.

How many letters of thanks do you use in a year, and how many pages do you write? How much more energy is used by sending a letter through the postal service as opposed to using your computer?

When you have an estimate, it should be weighed against the difference between the hand-written letter and the same text sent by e-mail. That would consist of the extra trouble your recipient observed you taking on his or her behalf. It is rather like handing over a bare object as a present rather than gift-wrapping it (which may also be one of your ways of saving paper). And the total should include the overall effect of doing away with small niceties.

Miss Manners does not presume to give you your answer. But she knows what she would decide.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a man wants to cross his legs while sitting, how should he do it? One alternative is with the crossed leg at a more or less 90-degree angle with the top ankle on the bottom knee. The other alternative is the more "feminine" way, with the top knee directly above the bottom knee. This latter way is much less comfortable for men for somewhat obvious reasons, though I've been told that it is the only proper way. Is that true?

GENTLE READER: It's not even proper for ladies, Miss Manners is afraid. They are supposed to cross their ankles, not their knees. To get an idea why, the next time you are in a lecture audience, take a look at ladies who are sitting cross-legged on a platform.

Gentlemen, in contrast, are supposed to keep their feet on the floor, not to form an unfortunate triangle by crossing an ankle over a knee. To get an idea why...

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got into an airport shuttle where another passenger was also seated. She remarked pleasantly, "It's hotter here than I expected." I responded that it was a surprise to encounter such temperatures.

Then she said, "The plane was delayed, but at least it got here." I started to respond to this when she made some reference to a relative of hers unknown to me. It was at that point I realized that she was not talking to me but to someone on her cell phone.

I was rather embarrassed and immediately ceased talking. After she finished a lengthy conversation, she turned to me and said she had been speaking to her son. Neither of us acknowledged my mistaken interference with her conversation.

How can one avoid these situations? Should we closely survey the ears of anyone who appears to be talking to us? Should I have apologized for speaking out of turn?

GENTLE READER: You could have remarked pleasantly, "and I was talking to my daughter," thus dazzling the lady with the idea that you employed technology so advanced as to be totally invisible. Presumably because it involved a chip having been planted in your head.

But Miss Manners hardly thinks this necessary. Refusing to answer someone until you have done an ear check would be rude. Making the now-common mistake you did is only a gaffe, which is to say that it is mildly funny.

If you even have reason to believe that the lady heard your comments, since she was at the time paying attention to her own conversation, you could have said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were on the telephone." Not witty, but it will draw a smile all the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How is a case of suspected food poisoning handled? A few days after I served an inside lunch to some friends on a summer day, I found out that one of my guests had called several other guests to see if they, too, had gotten sick from the lunch I served.

None had, so the matter was dropped. I never talked to the caller, but I was miffed that she didn't talk to me before she called other guests. I was embarrassed that she called the other guests, who otherwise would never had thought ill of my food preparation.

How is a case of suspect food poisoning dealt with? Should the host be consulted? Should the person feeling sick not say anything? Should a person try to spare the hostess an anxious reflection of her lunch?

GENTLE READER: As it happens, you did not poison your guests, so there is no reason to think that people who did not get ill from your food nevertheless thought ill of you.

If you had, you would want to know about it so that you could notify your supplier, pay hospital visits and abase yourself, athough presumably you would not have done it on purpose. Miss Manners' guess is that the ill guest wanted to spare you the worry if her problem were unrelated to lunch, as indeed it turned out not to be.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometime this morning, a small vinyl American flag on a wood dowel was put on my lawn next to my driveway, and frankly, I'm offended by the presumption of this anonymous person to express my national pride for me on my property.

I've looked at various Web sites for information on the proper display of the flag, and I can find no mention of the issue of displaying it on other people's property. I assume either it's because such is out-of-the-question acceptable, or out-of-the-question unacceptable.

Furthermore, I am also offended by such casual use, charging me with dignified destruction of a flag that was clearly intended to be disposable. Could you please clarify these flag-etiquette issues?

GENTLE READER: Happy Independence Day to you, too. How did the American flag come to be a weapon that loyal citizens brandish against one another?

Please do not take this to mean that Miss Manners agrees with your insinuation that the anonymous flag distributor was criticizing your patriotism. She prefers to think that it was someone merely filled with the holiday spirit, running around making little presents to the neighbors.

But she recognizes that your bristling comes from an atmosphere in which flag display is considered obligatory by some and ostentatious by others.

In any case, a small, vinyl flag does not obligate you to hold a ceremonial cremation, such as is done for tattered flags. If you cannot find room for it, give it to some organization, rather than a person who might consider it insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend who lives out of town comes to visit, she complains about things -- she's too cold/too hot, the volume on the television is too loud/not loud enough, the reading light is too bright/not bright enough. It's always something.

I end up running around, adjusting every little thing to make her comfortable, but I'm never fully successful. I've even shown her how to adjust the temperature and lights and volume, but it falls back into the same old pattern with each new visit.

She even came into my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. and woke me up to tell me the house was too hot. It was the same temperature it had been all weekend.

After years of this, I've reached my limit. Even though we have some good times together, and I enjoy talking with her, the thought of having her stay for a weekend stresses me out. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just can't do this anymore.

GENTLE READER: So don't. Stop inviting her. Most people would have reached their limit at 1:30 a.m.

You will now tell Miss Manners that you don't actually invite this person: She announces that she will be coming to town and expects to stay. Reluctant hosts are notoriously bad at defending their homes, apparently considering a guest's suggestion equivalent to a host's invitation.

It is not. You are free to say that it is not convenient for you to have overnight guests, but you would love to see your friend when she is in town.

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