DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got into an airport shuttle where another passenger was also seated. She remarked pleasantly, "It's hotter here than I expected." I responded that it was a surprise to encounter such temperatures.

Then she said, "The plane was delayed, but at least it got here." I started to respond to this when she made some reference to a relative of hers unknown to me. It was at that point I realized that she was not talking to me but to someone on her cell phone.

I was rather embarrassed and immediately ceased talking. After she finished a lengthy conversation, she turned to me and said she had been speaking to her son. Neither of us acknowledged my mistaken interference with her conversation.

How can one avoid these situations? Should we closely survey the ears of anyone who appears to be talking to us? Should I have apologized for speaking out of turn?

GENTLE READER: You could have remarked pleasantly, "and I was talking to my daughter," thus dazzling the lady with the idea that you employed technology so advanced as to be totally invisible. Presumably because it involved a chip having been planted in your head.

But Miss Manners hardly thinks this necessary. Refusing to answer someone until you have done an ear check would be rude. Making the now-common mistake you did is only a gaffe, which is to say that it is mildly funny.

If you even have reason to believe that the lady heard your comments, since she was at the time paying attention to her own conversation, you could have said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were on the telephone." Not witty, but it will draw a smile all the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How is a case of suspected food poisoning handled? A few days after I served an inside lunch to some friends on a summer day, I found out that one of my guests had called several other guests to see if they, too, had gotten sick from the lunch I served.

None had, so the matter was dropped. I never talked to the caller, but I was miffed that she didn't talk to me before she called other guests. I was embarrassed that she called the other guests, who otherwise would never had thought ill of my food preparation.

How is a case of suspect food poisoning dealt with? Should the host be consulted? Should the person feeling sick not say anything? Should a person try to spare the hostess an anxious reflection of her lunch?

GENTLE READER: As it happens, you did not poison your guests, so there is no reason to think that people who did not get ill from your food nevertheless thought ill of you.

If you had, you would want to know about it so that you could notify your supplier, pay hospital visits and abase yourself, athough presumably you would not have done it on purpose. Miss Manners' guess is that the ill guest wanted to spare you the worry if her problem were unrelated to lunch, as indeed it turned out not to be.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometime this morning, a small vinyl American flag on a wood dowel was put on my lawn next to my driveway, and frankly, I'm offended by the presumption of this anonymous person to express my national pride for me on my property.

I've looked at various Web sites for information on the proper display of the flag, and I can find no mention of the issue of displaying it on other people's property. I assume either it's because such is out-of-the-question acceptable, or out-of-the-question unacceptable.

Furthermore, I am also offended by such casual use, charging me with dignified destruction of a flag that was clearly intended to be disposable. Could you please clarify these flag-etiquette issues?

GENTLE READER: Happy Independence Day to you, too. How did the American flag come to be a weapon that loyal citizens brandish against one another?

Please do not take this to mean that Miss Manners agrees with your insinuation that the anonymous flag distributor was criticizing your patriotism. She prefers to think that it was someone merely filled with the holiday spirit, running around making little presents to the neighbors.

But she recognizes that your bristling comes from an atmosphere in which flag display is considered obligatory by some and ostentatious by others.

In any case, a small, vinyl flag does not obligate you to hold a ceremonial cremation, such as is done for tattered flags. If you cannot find room for it, give it to some organization, rather than a person who might consider it insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend who lives out of town comes to visit, she complains about things -- she's too cold/too hot, the volume on the television is too loud/not loud enough, the reading light is too bright/not bright enough. It's always something.

I end up running around, adjusting every little thing to make her comfortable, but I'm never fully successful. I've even shown her how to adjust the temperature and lights and volume, but it falls back into the same old pattern with each new visit.

She even came into my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. and woke me up to tell me the house was too hot. It was the same temperature it had been all weekend.

After years of this, I've reached my limit. Even though we have some good times together, and I enjoy talking with her, the thought of having her stay for a weekend stresses me out. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just can't do this anymore.

GENTLE READER: So don't. Stop inviting her. Most people would have reached their limit at 1:30 a.m.

You will now tell Miss Manners that you don't actually invite this person: She announces that she will be coming to town and expects to stay. Reluctant hosts are notoriously bad at defending their homes, apparently considering a guest's suggestion equivalent to a host's invitation.

It is not. You are free to say that it is not convenient for you to have overnight guests, but you would love to see your friend when she is in town.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dieting in public is a serious etiquette problem in a society that has made saints of women who wear a size 2. It is rude and offensive for a person to attend a joyous food-related outing and have one person, the chronic dieter, spoil the trip by ordering "a small salad."

Public dieting casts a pall of misery over any such occasion. The argument that the outing is about the fellowship is only partially true -- the fellowship is enjoying a good meal together. The occasion IS about the food, and no matter how one tries, it is as impossible not to notice how little that emaciated person is eating any more than one could not help but notice an oozing sore on her hand.

Holiday dinners and meals out with friends are a time, if not to eat heartily, to at least to eat well -- even if one chooses grilled instead of fried chicken or replaces the dressing with vegetables at Thanksgiving. If one must diet in public, it should be done with absolute discretion and must involve a variety of tasty foods chosen from what has been provided. If the dieter wants a diet soda, she should ask for it quietly, as though requesting something with which to take medication and have it poured into a glass to ensure that the nature of the drink is not obvious.

If a person is on a super-restricted diet that requires she eat abnormally, she needs to stay home instead of making everyone miserable. Perhaps she can join the group later for a concert or movie if she is not too weak to stay out past 8 p.m.

GENTLE READER: That part about how you try not to notice what other people are eating -- Miss Manners suggests that you try harder. A lot harder.

Monitoring what other people eat is a good way to ruin a holiday or gathering of friends, whether it is dieters voicing disapproval of hearty eaters or the more rare reaction that you have.

But after you stated your desire to ostracize everyone with medical or religious food restrictions, Miss Manners banned you from any discussion about what constitutes fellowship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two of my close friends, my roommate and my ex-boyfriend, quiz me about things I feel should remain private, such as my sex life and intimate details of my family's finances. I try to be discreet or vague, or flatly tell them that it's not their business, but they protest that we know each other well enough that I can -- and should -- tell them everything.

They know I'm not being entirely forthcoming, and my ex often asserts that I'm a liar. They will not be deterred and I'm tired of fending off inappropriate questions.

GENTLE READER: Then don't. By now, you need only say, "You know I'm not going to discuss that," not adding that you would have to be an idiot to confide your sex life to your ex.

Miss Manners is well aware that the reply is likely to be one of those accusations you cite, but then you can say gently, "and you know perfectly well that I'm not going to discuss that, either."

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