DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our adopted son is in kindergarten, and at school there was a discussion about President Lincoln. The topic turned to slavery, where he was singled out for having "brown" skin (he's biracial) and that his relatives were slaves, versus the relatives of the other students who were slave owners because their skin was white.

When he told me the story, it made me cringe. Clearly he's learning about his self-identity, and that is certainly important, but I am uncomfortable with him being pointed out as different because of his skin color in order to illustrate a story.

I try to emphasize when he is making comparisons to why our family looks different than others that we are all like M&M's -- different colors on the outside, same on the inside. Should I approach his teacher about this topic, or let it go?

GENTLE READER: You should get yourself down to that school immediately and explain to the teacher why it is wrong to single out a child like that; and if that doesn't help, you must explain it to the principal. Perhaps you should go to the principal anyway. It strikes Miss Manners that aside from the rudeness of embarrassing a child, someone who does not realize that not all blacks were slaves and not all whites were slave-owners should not be teaching even the most elementary history.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon our marriage, my fiance will be taking my last name.

He has a last name that is constantly mispronounced and misspelled. For years, indeed long before he met me, he planned to take his wife's name and luckily, my last name is easy to pronounce and spell. As I would never have changed my name upon marriage, it is a situation that works incredibly well for us.

While we have told our close friends and family of this already, should we inform family friends, colleagues and more distant relatives of this unusual situation before our marriage? How would you suggest we do this? Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: You are going to get plenty of advice from just about everyone, and Miss Manners is afraid that your appreciation will soon wear thin.

For that reason, she suggests telling people when the change is an accomplished fact. At the wedding reception, for instance, when people start calling you Mrs. Twiddledom, you can say "No, I'm still Mabel Harris, but now he is Alexander Harris" -- and then move on to greeting the next couple while they process this.

Another way is to send out At Home cards after the wedding with both your married names. (Ms. Mabel Harris/Mr. Alexander Harris/At home/address/ after the thirtieth of July"). And to keep sending your full names on every occasion you write. Your husband might have cards and writing paper made with his new name.

And you know what? Many people will get your names wrong anyway, but fewer of them will chime in with their opinions. Please try to be patient with all of them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an ongoing debate with my hubby over how to eat popcorn. Although I know this could be considered a subject of little importance and there might not be anything official to say about this, it has become a small "bone of contention" in our family. Perhaps you would be able to shed a little light.

Is it acceptable to reach into the bowl of popcorn using one hand to acquire several pieces (five or six), which are then eaten, one by one, with the other hand? The reasoning given for this method is to keep the hand used for eating the popcorn out of the bowl.

Could this manner of acquiring the popcorn be considered to be something similar to hoarding? Your opinion could possibly end a dispute of about 14 years.

GENTLE READER: Then what are you going to talk about? Fourteen years is a long time to invest in this interesting question, and Miss Manners hopes that you have a substitute topic ready.

One of you has been reading too many package labels, where the number of calories is kept small by keeping down the definition of a portion. Such as on the carton of double chocolate fudge ice cream, where it says "Calories per serving, 20. Serving size, 1/4 teaspoon."

One kernel does not constitute a legitimate helping of popcorn. It is properly taken by the (repeated) handful. The sanitary argument is irrelevant. If one of you believes that the other is spreading disease in the popcorn bowl, the solution is to say, "Honey, please go wash your hands."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the way to my wife's 30th class reunion, she requested that when I am introduced to someone and asked if I remember meeting them, she wanted me to answer yes regardless if I remembered them or not.

It is my belief that when being reintroduced to someone I may have met only once five to 10 years ago, if I don't remember them, I should politely tell them no. My wife thinks it's rude. I believe in telling the truth. What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps schooling accustomed you and your wife to true-false tests, but fortunately, real life offers more choices. You could have smiled broadly and said nothing. You could have peered at the nametag and said, "Let me see if I'm right." You could have said, "How could anyone forget you?"

By the way, "Do you remember me?" is a rude and self-defeating question. Miss Manners has a more pointed question, one that you should have asked your wife:

"They're your classmates -- aren't you going to jump in and help me out? Or are you just going to stand there, leaving me looking foolish?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My senior prom is this weekend, and I need some help. My tuxedo will have a cummerbund, but I am not sure how it should be worn (i.e. whether the pleats should face up or down). I have heard several opinions on this, but nobody seems to agree. Which way is correct?

GENTLE READER: The cummerbund pleats should open at the top, and Miss Manners hopes that the traditional explanation will not put you off: Gentlemen desperate for ashtrays would use them to conceal their cigarette refuse. How they avoided setting themselves on fire, she cannot tell you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am just entering the dating world after the end of a 25-year marriage. With careful consideration, I find that Internet dating sites are a viable way to meet potential suitors.

It seems that the standard practice is to exchange e-mails at first, followed by telephone conversations, and it may progress to a daytime meeting, perhaps at a coffeehouse. Presumably this is so that if the first meeting has you realizing you have made a mistake, it will not drag on for hours.

The other reason is that you can still remain somewhat anonymous and be in public for the sake of security. I really do not see anything wrong with the arrangement, since I do not see myself meeting strangers at bars, and that waiting for my married friends to introduce me to someone has not been successful.

However, sometimes I find myself at the public meeting place knowing that (a) the person has misrepresented himself in some way, usually by using a photo of a more fit and youthful time in his life; (b) I have failed to find out some information about this person before the meeting that is obviously a "deal breaker" in my quest for the right person; or (c) I do not feel any chemistry between us; perhaps the conversation is awkward and a chore to find pleasant things to talk about.

Several times in one of these instances, the gentleman has shown an interest in going out on a real date. They have all been very nice men, but just not someone that I want to spend any more time with. What is a nice way to tell them that I just don't see any point in going out again?

GENTLE READER: "Nice" is not usually the method of choice in such cases. When Miss Manners advocates anything remotely gentle, she is taken to task by the Blunt and Brutal school, who argue that nice is too subtle to be effective, that it prolongs the pain or that it is too good for people who have wasted one's time. And who, she suspects, feel emboldened by the fact that these are strangers.

None of this convinces Miss Manners that it is decent to tell another human being, "I could never have the remotest interest in you, so just go away."

She still prefers something vague and face-saving, such as "I find I have a lot of obligations right now, which I hadn't fully realized when we got in touch. But it was very nice meeting you."

If this results in an unwanted invitation, it may have to be repeated. But it is still preferable to slash-and-run.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper color choice for thank-you notes? I am ordering for my son's high school graduation, and the choices are wt/silver, wt/gold, or ivory/gold. Also, I heard one time a thank you note should not have 'Thank You' printed on it. Is this true?

GENTLE READER: Black or blue-black. That is to say that it is the ink your son uses that matters. As you have heard, the words "thank you," should never be printed, but must be written by hand, along with some elaboration. If the choice you have been offered does the job for him, Miss Manners urges you to reject it, despite the fetching colors.

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