DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am just entering the dating world after the end of a 25-year marriage. With careful consideration, I find that Internet dating sites are a viable way to meet potential suitors.

It seems that the standard practice is to exchange e-mails at first, followed by telephone conversations, and it may progress to a daytime meeting, perhaps at a coffeehouse. Presumably this is so that if the first meeting has you realizing you have made a mistake, it will not drag on for hours.

The other reason is that you can still remain somewhat anonymous and be in public for the sake of security. I really do not see anything wrong with the arrangement, since I do not see myself meeting strangers at bars, and that waiting for my married friends to introduce me to someone has not been successful.

However, sometimes I find myself at the public meeting place knowing that (a) the person has misrepresented himself in some way, usually by using a photo of a more fit and youthful time in his life; (b) I have failed to find out some information about this person before the meeting that is obviously a "deal breaker" in my quest for the right person; or (c) I do not feel any chemistry between us; perhaps the conversation is awkward and a chore to find pleasant things to talk about.

Several times in one of these instances, the gentleman has shown an interest in going out on a real date. They have all been very nice men, but just not someone that I want to spend any more time with. What is a nice way to tell them that I just don't see any point in going out again?

GENTLE READER: "Nice" is not usually the method of choice in such cases. When Miss Manners advocates anything remotely gentle, she is taken to task by the Blunt and Brutal school, who argue that nice is too subtle to be effective, that it prolongs the pain or that it is too good for people who have wasted one's time. And who, she suspects, feel emboldened by the fact that these are strangers.

None of this convinces Miss Manners that it is decent to tell another human being, "I could never have the remotest interest in you, so just go away."

She still prefers something vague and face-saving, such as "I find I have a lot of obligations right now, which I hadn't fully realized when we got in touch. But it was very nice meeting you."

If this results in an unwanted invitation, it may have to be repeated. But it is still preferable to slash-and-run.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper color choice for thank-you notes? I am ordering for my son's high school graduation, and the choices are wt/silver, wt/gold, or ivory/gold. Also, I heard one time a thank you note should not have 'Thank You' printed on it. Is this true?

GENTLE READER: Black or blue-black. That is to say that it is the ink your son uses that matters. As you have heard, the words "thank you," should never be printed, but must be written by hand, along with some elaboration. If the choice you have been offered does the job for him, Miss Manners urges you to reject it, despite the fetching colors.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor and I do not share the same political beliefs. I try to be respectful of his political leanings. He, however, has been bombarding me with e-mails that include attachments that smear the candidates of my choice. Most are not backed by sound research, but he believes they are based on fact. The e-mails are accompanied by such statements as "Lord help us if this *&!*#$% is elected president, lol!"

I try to answer in a nonconfrontational and civilized manner but have lately taken to either deleting the comments without responding or simply writing "thank you."

This same neighbor has never, and probably will never, express these views in person. E-mail seems to give him permission to be as insulting and disrespectful as he wishes.

Does our right to free speech give us the right to be rude? Any ideas on how this situation should be handled? I'm all for free speech, but I have my limits!

GENTLE READER: Actually, free speech does confer the right to be rude. As well it should, Miss Manners believes.

Wait -- she has not lost her mind and started defending rudeness. Nor, for that matter, your tiresome neighbor.

The problem is that although you and your neighbor hold opposite (and commonly held) opinions on the regulation of behavior, both are dangerous. You hint at limiting free speech, while he acts on the notion that there should be no limits on doing what one has the legal right to do.

What about respect for the opinions of others? What about tasteful language?

In other words, what about -- etiquette? That is the essential, voluntary, but highly necessary system that is supposed to prevent people from exercising rights in such a way as to be needlessly offensive to others. It does not even seem to have occurred to your neighbor that offensive behavior is an ineffective way to make one's own case.

This is not someone with whom you should attempt to argue. Be grateful for the Delete button.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have four sons, and when they give me a gift for birthday or Mother's Day etc., and if it's not in the presence of the others, I don't know if I should tell the others about the gift. I fear that they will feel bad if the gift is a lot more expensive than what they gave me.

I don't usually mention that they gave me a gift. But, yet, I don't want the giver of a gift to me to think I am not proud or grateful. Maybe they would want me to tell the others. I just don't know what to do.

GENTLE READER: You would get the same (bad) effect by saying, "Look at the car your brother gave me" as by saying, "That car? Oh, I don't know, I just found it in the driveway" -- before adding, of course, "Thank you for the handkerchief."

Presumably, these are grown-up sons, and it is not up to you to spread or to conceal what they do. Your job is to keep your own focus away from the expense, and to greet their presents with equal graciousness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe I have made an invitation mishap. My family and I just moved into a new house over the weekend, and some of our friends came to help in one way or another. My husband is in the Air Force, and one of the men and one of the women he works with came to help.

Here is where the situation gets sticky. The man who helped is married, and his wife watched my daughters that day; however, he is currently having an affair with the other Air Force woman, who also helped. Everything is already out in the open, and the couple is in the process of divorcing, but still living in the same house, just separated.

My problem is that I have invited everyone who helped us over the weekend to dinner this coming Saturday, including the couple and the single AF woman, among a few other people. I honestly did not think about the situation between the others before making my invites. I only wanted to show my appreciation for all of their help.

What should I do? Do I retract my invitation from either the husband, the wife or the mistress? Or, do I simply hope they can all behave as adults and forgive me for putting them in such an awkward situation?

GENTLE READER: Let's not get overexcited about the drama you feel you have staged. They created this situation, not you. And since they are conducting their shifting arrangements in public, living in the same house and yet -- at least so far -- not killing one another, you are unlikely to find blood on your sofa.

Miss Manners would understand your alarm better if it had to do with the awkward situation in which these people put you, as apparently approving of the behavior of the new couple. However, it is too late to put a social ban on them now that you have accepted their help. The best you can do is to seem innocent of their private lives, and merely welcome them as your friends and their own, ah, roommates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can settle a dispute between me and my roommate. For our upcoming graduation, our school has distributed six tickets to each student, as there is limited room for the ceremony. I have spare tickets and while I am giving two to my friend, I am contemplating selling the others. My roommate says that I am wrong in making the ability for others' loved ones to attend contingent on their ability to pay me, especially because I am not using them. I say that if some people want to bring more than their allotted six and are willing to pay, I am still in the right in selling my tickets.

GENTLE READER: Your roommate sounds sweet. Perhaps he opposes the marketing of food on the grounds that people have to eat whether or not they can afford it.

Miss Manners takes a more worldly view: that it would be mean to charge friends for a favor that costs you nothing, but not so to put a commodity you happen to have on a wider market.

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