DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that it is spring, I am receiving the annual round of e-mails soliciting financial pledges for various walkathons, marathons and other sorts of -thons in support of illness-related charities. My friends do not have the illness they -thon for; usually it's a parent or sibling. I do not respond to these requests, if only because I have an expensive chronic illness of my own and extremely limited resources. I also have an ethical qualm about these charities. My illness has its own charity that sponsors a -thon, too; I am a member of that organization, but I have no idea how the thonning benefits people suffering from the illness.

Still, I feel callous for not responding; some of the requests come from people who have been at least emotionally supportive during my illness. Are the requests best ignored, or could I respond with a note expressing my best wishes, with thanks for their support?

GENTLE READER: But surely you have been thanking these people all along for their emotional support, and offering your own as it may be needed?

That you certainly owe, but not financial support of their causes, however worthy. You have your own, and they surely understand that when they do mass canvassing. No apologies or explanations are necessary.

But Miss Manners believes that you owe it to yourself to find out how the money is spent that you donate to the charity connected with your illness. Usually, it is marked to support research, rather than going directly to patients, but you should be able to get that information, as well as the figures on how much is first deducted for overhead, salaries and the event

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor of mine recently delivered an "extra batch" of her fudge that she was making for a bake-off. I was disappointed to discover that the fudge she had made came with walnuts, almonds and peanuts, all of which I am allergic to. Not wanting it to go to waste, I took it to work, where visitors to my cubicle were happy to help themselves.

When my neighbor saw me the next week, she asked how I enjoyed her fudge. I stated, "Unfortunately, I am allergic to the nuts that were in the fudge, but I'm sure it was spectacular." She was absolutely horrified by my response and called me "rude and ungrateful." I'm not quite sure what I had done wrong. How could I have better handled this?

GENTLE READER: You did not get off to a good start. "Unfortunately" is not the first word a benefactor wants to hear about her offering.

Granted that your neighbor should not have asked, and she certainly should not have upbraided you. But her original intention was to be friendly, and you opened with a negative reaction.

Couldn't you have rearranged your words? "I took it to the office, and everyone just loved it. I was so tempted, but unfortunately, I have an allergy to nuts." You could even have omitted that last sentence, unless you felt it necessary to head off future deliveries -- a problem you no longer have.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a man who was invited to a baby shower for the first time. Unfortunately, I think my inexperience with baby showers showed, and I'm worried I've made some mistakes in etiquette.

I received an e-mail from a stranger, with an attachment of a picture of an invitation to a baby shower to be held for a close friend the following week. It indicated where the expectant mother was registered for babywares.

With only a week's notice, I already had a prior commitment that day, plus the baby shower would have required me to travel a great distance. I sent my regrets through a reply to the stranger's e-mail. Later, a real invitation to the baby shower arrived at my home, but I did not reply, thinking I had already passed along my regrets to the hostess.

I feel awkward and ignorant because I'm not sure what was expected of me. First, how important are baby showers? Should I have canceled my previous commitment to attend (as I would have done for a wedding or similar affair)?

Second, how and to whom should I have sent my regrets? I received the invitation initially by e-mail from a stranger, so I had assumed she was the hostess and I should reply to her via e-mail, as well.

Third, what should I do for my friend? I only speak with her once or twice a year, so I don't know if I should call, write a note or go onto the baby registry to get her a gift (or all three).

I'm sure there are other things I've done wrong, too, and I've been upset thinking I've offended. This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I've just been invited to another baby shower (my second ever) but want to be sure I get this one right. What was/is expected of me?

GENTLE READER: Please don't panic. Miss Manners doubts that this is the first party you have attended that has been planned by ladies.

Normal social rules apply: You answer the invitation in the form in which it arrived to the person who issued it. You did that when you received the e-mail invitation. The oddity of its turning out to have been a preview of a paper invitation is not your responsibility. Nor need you worry about not attending. However overblown showers have now become, they are not ceremonial occasions.

But don't you normally congratulate your friends when the occasion arises? Whether you do so by telephone or mail is not important, and since you are not participating in the shower, a baby present can wait until you hear of the birth. But to ignore her news itself would be callous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to furnish the wine at my grandson's wedding -- which I was happy to do. The leftover wine I brought home, and I stored it. My grandson says it's their wine. I say it's mine. What's proper?

GENTLE READER: What could be more decorous than a grandmother and grandson fighting over leftover booze?

It would be proper for you, as the elder, to put a stop to this debacle by allowing him to take it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette between a wife and "the other woman?"

My husband had an affair, which I recently found out about. He said he ended it, and we are working on restoring our marriage. It is hard to re-establish trust, but I'm willing to try.

My big problem is that the "other woman" works with him. Even though he claims no one knew about it, I would be surprised if it was the big secret he would like to think it was.

How am I supposed to act when we go to company events or parties? I hate the idea that these people are looking at me with pity or contempt. I don't have any friendships with any of his colleagues independent of him.

And I have no idea how I'm supposed to act with the other woman, since there was no confrontation between us, and I am taking my husband's word for the fact that he broke up with her. There is a four-day company vacation trip with spouses included in a few weeks. Please tell me what to do.

GENTLE READER: Go and have a good time.

Not likely, Miss Manners supposes. And she promises not to annoy you by urging that you put aside your problems. Even less likely.

What she means is that you should go and look as if you are having a good time. That won't be easy, either. But if you make the effort to maintain a pleasant and open air and to engage other people in conversation -- including, or at least not pointedly excluding, the O.W. in your geniality -- you will find afterward that you did have a satisfactory time.

This will not be because you forgot. (Miss Manners keeps her promises.) It will be because the people who didn't know about the affair will now not believe it if they do hear; the ones who heard will be saying that your husband must have been out of his mind, and with any luck, the O.W. will have an overdue sense of shame.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday, I was waiting in line for approximately 15 minutes to be seated at a restaurant. The woman standing behind me was so close, her handbag kept hitting my back. I turned around twice and gave her a dirty look. She then came and stood beside me.

What can be said or done to discourage people from crowding me like that?

GENTLE READER: And what can be done to discourage people from going around issuing unwarranted dirty looks?

Just a guess, but Miss Manners doubts that the lady was banging her handbag against you for sport. She is not likely to have known that she was doing it. So a civil statement, delivered with an understanding smile -- "Excuse me, but your handbag has been knocking against me --" would have brought forth a cessation of attack and an apology.

Miss Manners wishes that once in a while, people would give one another the benefit of the doubt.

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