DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been divorced for 10 years. I have family members who seem to enjoy telling me how much they disliked her.

My former spouse and I are not friends, but we were married a long time, and at one point we did love/like each other very much. I consider my family's put-downs as a personal attack on me. What can I finally say to stop this rudeness once and for all?

GENTLE READER: "Please! You are speaking about a lady who was my wife."

Said in the tone of an offended gentleman ready to fight a duel to protect his lady's good name -- only the tense of the verb has been changed -- this will flabbergast your relatives. They are obviously so used to spouses bad-mouthing their own former choices as to think you would enjoy this. Miss Manners congratulates you on being too much of a gentleman.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a veteran Las Vegas blackjack dealer, I've been involved in a heated discussion with my colleagues concerning the tipping practices of losing gamblers. Casino tipping is always a hot topic because it's how we make most of our living.

It is not, however, the same as tipping a food server or a valet, where gratuities are usually offered for services rendered. Quite often, at gaming tables, large amounts of money hang in the balance and can be lost in the blink of an eye, seriously affecting the financial well being of an individual or a family.

Many of my co-workers expect to be tipped even by losing players because they say it has everything to do with etiquette and good manners. I say this is a ludicrous expectation on the part of the truly selfish.

Unfortunately, in the world of casino gaming, there's no rhyme or reason to the tipping practices of many players. I've been tipped by people who have lost, and I've been stiffed by people who have won.

I would never expect a gratuity from a losing player, and those dealers who do should seek employment in a different profession. I say the expectations of etiquette and good manners should have acceptable limitations, especially when it concerns a person's bank account. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Certainly not that only the fortunate should practice good manners. But also that your colleagues have unrealistic expectations.

It is true that polite people tip routinely, knowing that those who perform certain services do not get their full wages from their employers. But, as you point out, the service you perform is not quite like that of a food server. If the food is bad, the waiters should not be penalized (although they often are); complaints should be made to the restaurant management.

But you and your colleagues don't just deal the cards. You represent the house, which is, in effect, the gamblers' opponent. And although you personally have not acquired the money that was lost, it may be difficult for the gambler to make that distinction.

Besides, he feels fresh out of money. Miss Manners agrees that you are wise not to expect more.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever proper to stir one's food with an implement at the table? My husband criticizes me whenever I do it.

Most commonly, I will use my fork to lightly toss salad in my personal bowl after applying dressing. It does not bother him to eat some bites globbed with dressing and others entirely dry, but I prefer mine more evenly distributed.

More recently, and I fear I may be incorrect here, I used my spoon to stir the soup once or twice in the bowl to aid in its cooling. He insists that one must not stir at all, and only blow on the soup collected from a single dip into the bowl by the spoon.

I would be willing to abide by this, except I have difficulty predicting how much blowing is necessary when the soup's temperature varies widely from surface to deep, such as for a thick soup that has been sitting out a bit after heating.

If I stir it, the temperature equalizes, and I can at least use a consistent amount of blowing for each bite. What are the allowed methods of eating (too) hot foods?

GENTLE READER: If you and your husband would kindly stop churning up your dinners, Miss Manners would like to give you both a small etiquette lesson. It will give everything a chance to cool off.

Blowing on the soup is, if anything, worse than stirring it. Even if he is skilled enough to do it without, ah, increasing the volume of the soup.

But if you move your food around so blatantly as to annoy your husband, you have an etiquette problem, in addition to the problem of annoying your husband. It is not proper to stir your individual portion of soup or salad -- and anyway, salad is not stirred, but tossed, although you shouldn't do that, either.

However, Miss Manners does not want to be responsible for your burned mouth or ruined dinner, so she will teach you how to cool or mix your food dexterously.

With soup, you take a spoonful and then hold it absent-mindedly while you tell your husband about your day. Nature will do the cooling job in time. As for the salad, you spear a dry leaf with your fork and then rest it in the dressing, which is on top. When you lift it to your mouth, the job will have been done. And all without anyone's annoying anyone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am delighted that at age 39 I am expecting twins and plan to inform family and my work team in a couple of weeks after another checkup with my doctor.

Could you please help me find a way to politely avoid answering the inevitable inquiries as to whether these are fertility twins? (They are.)

GENTLE READER: "I'm so happy that you are taking an interest in our babies. We will of course proclaim their birth. But we are not proclaiming their conception."

(And you needn't have told Miss Manners; she would not have dreamed of asking.)

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every Easter, my sister-in-law has an indoor candy-and-small-gifts hunt for all the adults and five children. My husband refuses to look, so I find his items for him. I feel uncomfortable as the women keep getting me small gifts, but I only get things for the children, and a host-hostess gift, along with a contribution of food for the meal. I feel like a curmudgeon for not wanting to spend the money on such things, and I've never enjoyed shopping, even if it is just for cute, inexpensive items and food gifts (for the men).

Is it OK to refuse to get things for the older children (now 11-29) and just get one thing to hide for our granddaughter, age 2? Or should I be more cooperative and give gifts to all those who give them to me?

GENTLE READER: You hate this event, don't you? And so does your husband.

Miss Manners won't bother to ask why you nevertheless attend. It's a family tradition.

That is all the more reason that you can get into trouble messing with it, especially if you do so obviously pursuing only your own advantage -- taking but not giving, except to your own granddaughter. You either fully participate or you don't.

The way to escape is to make it clear beforehand that you are skipping the hunt, either by saying you would love to come to lunch but can't stay or by skipping both. If you merely sit it out on the premises (unless you can persuade your husband that it's his turn to be the family hunter and gatherer), they will still bring you little presents.

Perhaps after a year or two, they will simply count you out, and you can then endear yourself by staying but cleaning up from lunch while they have their hunt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My friend and I are having a discussion about "Who gets Grandma's diamond ring?"

She insists that it is written somewhere that the first granddaughter always inherits Grandma's rings. I told her that maybe it was a custom in her family but I have never heard this from anyone else. Have you ever heard of this "Custom"?

When my Mother passed away I got her rings, but my friend insists that my niece should have gotten them because it is a rule. She almost said "a law" but then retracted the statement.

I have only one granddaughter, and someday in the distant future (I hope) she can have my rings if she wants them, but if I had more than one granddaughter (like my friend), I would pass my diamonds on to the one who deserved them most.

GENTLE READER: Assuming that we are not talking about legally entailed family heirlooms (Miss Manners has been escaping into Victorian novels again), there is only one place where this decision is written. In Grandma's will.

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