DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've initiated a disagreement with my husband about a response to, "How are you?" But since promising I'd prove myself correct, I've developed doubts.

He says the proper response to "How are you?" as a greeting from a waitress, clerk, or coworker is "Good. How are you?"

I said this is just a nicety and gets a simple nicety for a greeting in return such as "How are you?" or "Good Morning" I say the response doesn't include an explanation, however well you actually are.

He says leaving the "good" off is cold.

I said that manners aren't necessarily warm, they're just mannerly.

I'm wondering if I'm mixing this up with the simple "How are you?" offered upon introduction to a new person? I mean, instead of saying "Nice to meet you" -- because you don't really know yet if it is a pleasure or not yet when you first meet someone. Maybe I'm wrong on both counts?

GENTLE READER: Let's call it a draw. Both of you have the right basic idea, and both of you are slightly confused about wording. Miss Manners finds this understandable, because the wording has evolved through usage without any regard to consistency or even meaning.

The important thing is to make a pleasant acknowledgement when addressed. (Pleasant is neither warm nor cold; just pleasant.) Either of your comments qualifies, although Miss Manners doesn't quite care for your husband's -- and many other people's -- use of "good," which refers to character, rather than "well," which indicates health.

But "How are you?" is not the same as the conventional remark exchanged at introductions, which is "How do you do?" with no answer given. Yes, yes, the meaning is the same, and they both seem to be questions -- but didn't Miss Manners warn you? (No answer to that is required.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to refuse a table being offered you by a hostess in a restaurant? Is it polite to simply say "this table is not acceptable, please seat us at a nicer table"?

I feel like I have stamped on my forehead "Please seat my family and I or my friends and me next to the kitchen or bathroom door." I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me! Just last night my five good friends and I had reservations at this French restaurant. They seated us in a back, windowless room, not decorated, at the kitchen door and another storage-room door covered by curtains that they kept running in and out of.

What should you do when this happens?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what you suggested: Ask politely for another table. Why would you hesitate?

Miss Manners fears that you may be caught up in the popular but peculiar notion that restaurants are more than commercial establishments that serve food to what they hope is the satisfaction of their customers. Instead of fearing that the hostess will retaliate by telling everyone that you have terrible table manners, you should assume that she will be grateful to make your visit more pleasant.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a friend's 30th birthday party, I, like many of the other guests, brought a gift. Normally, my friend and I e-mail or speak on the phone quite often, but after the party, I did not hear from her for well over a month, so I phoned her yesterday.

I phoned her only to catch up -- not to inquire about whether she had received the present. Frankly, I had nearly forgotten I'd given her one.

But my friend immediately brought up the gift, saying, "I'm really sorry -- I kept thinking I should write you a thank-you note, but I thought, 'Well, people from my culture don't really do that.' I never write thank-you notes for other (insert members of my friend's ethnic group here). But I guess maybe you would expect one."

After I got over my momentary surprise, I simply assured my friend I had not phoned her to ask about the present but that I was glad she had indeed received it. (Later during the phone call, she also thanked me for the present and said she liked it.) However, I was at a loss how to reply, to say the least, to her assertion that people of her ethnicity do not send formal thanks as well as her possible implication that people of my ethnicity somehow "expect" formal thanks -- as if I would be having too-high expectations of her or imposing some onerous burden.

I should add that my friend was born here and has lived her entire life in this country, speaks fluent English in addition to her parents' native tongue, and has a college degree (though she did grow up rather sheltered and in a community comprised overwhelmingly of her ethnic group). She also has several other friends and colleagues who do not share her ethnicity.

How does one reply to such comments?

GENTLE READER: Since you were not certain that your friend had even received the present, and had no idea about her reaction to it, Miss Manners gathers that this is not a question of supplementing verbal thanks with written thanks. There were no thanks at all until you happened to call.

Therefore Miss Manners would reply:

"Really? Tell me more about your culture and its rules. Do people keep giving presents and doing favors without any feedback? What stops them from getting discouraged when their efforts are met with silence? Or is it not the custom to be either generous or grateful?

"Do you follow all the customs of your culture? Even if they are repressive by American standards? Even if they seem rude to other Americans? How do you handle it when people who don't know your customs feel hurt?" And so on.

She would ask this in a gentle, teasing manner, but truthfully she is appalled by this increasingly popular excuse. It always seems to be used to get out of doing a basic courtesy, never for performing an unexpected one.

Furthermore, she has found that people who make this excuse are rarely experts, or even well-versed, in the cultures they claim to represent. On the contrary, they are only too ready to slander these cultures by claiming that they do not practice the universal trait of thanking.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother taught me not to mess with a lady's purse, but when I go to socials, I often find all of the available seats occupied by purses and coats. The ladies are chatting in the kitchen while the men are standing on sore knees in the living room.

Are these chairs reserved for the ladies whose purses occupy them? Where should the ladies properly place their coats and purses? Am I allowed to remove a purse or coat and put it in its proper place?

GENTLE READER: You gentlemen would be less uncomfortable if you stopped standing on your knees, Miss Manners would imagine. And if you understood that messing with a lady's purse means opening it, sitting on it, tossing it across the room and, in extreme cases, stealing it, but not carefully placing it out of your way, but where she will be able to find it.

Gentlemen may not appreciate the fact that there has never been a satisfactory solution to the problem of where a lady should park her purse. If she puts it on the floor, you will step on it. If she puts it on a table, you will spill your drink on it. If she keeps it on her arm, it will tire her and also hit you in the wrong place if you try to hug her.

Coats are another matter. Presumably there is a closet, or you gentlemen would have strewn your own coats on chairs. So why don't you hang up the ladies' coats? For that matter, why didn't you do so when you and the ladies arrived?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be getting married in a few months' time and have been having a hard time picking out wedding favors within our budget that will make it further than the garbage can once our guests return home.

We have allotted $1 to $2 per guest. Our gift budget does not lack as a result of money being improperly allocated; we have needed to find many ways to cut corners.

My fiance and I have thought to instead donate the money to an organization which does research on a terminal illness, to which we lost his mother a couple of years ago.

Do you think that our guests would appreciate the sentiment or be miffed that they were not given individual gifts? Would we be better off giving each guest some cookies or candies?

GENTLE READER: Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.

Donating money for medical research is a fine idea, if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.

You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then decided against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.

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